Mental Abuse by parents? Not sure. - Mental Health Message Board

bowhunter9 · 07-21-2005, 09:03 PM

I am so depressed I dont know where to begin really. I need someone to talk to about how I am being treated by my parents. They go in cycles where they are just down right cruel to me, they get these kicks about 4 times a year.

Last time they had me so depressed was when school was done for the summer and my job was only working weekends. I was only getting about 23 hours a week, but I was looking for another job. They said they didnt want me sitting around the house all day (i understand that completely). The VERY next day, I had a job working 35 hours a week and makeing pretty good money for a 23 year old full time college student.

Now they are all over me for being irresponsible. I go to school full time, work 30-40 hours a week. Coach two programs of youth sports (in fall and spring-summer). They said I been in college for 5 years I should be done (which I do agree, but I messed around for a full year, and transfered twice). Which honestly sit me behind about two years. They dont seem to believe this.

They tell me I am dirty, because I dont clean up after myself (which sometimes I dont). But my 32 year old brother who got divorced lived at home for a while and he was just as bad. But they didnt say anything to him at all. They would complain about my room being dirty, and I would say yes it is, but I really want to know why you want say anything to Bobby when his is dirty. They can never seem to answer that or they respond "Bobby is never home". Who cares if he isnt home, his room is still a mess.

I think they are more laxed on him because they know he is ready to settle down and find a woman and have a family. They want grand children so bad. They know with me, that is not in my near future, so they think they can say things to me that hurt my feelings.

They also know i am a home body. I left two colleges because i thought home life was more fun. I think they think I depend on them (which I do, without them i couldnt make it) and they know I wont leave home because I dont have anywhere to go. Where as Bobby could move out anytime he wanted because he had the full time job to do so.

I just feel as if my parents are tired of me. I try to talk to them and they just say I am a smart *** or irresponsible or I dont clean up after myself. I can never talk to them when they are in these kid of moods without them being very cruel.

My feelings are hurt very easily, and for a while i kept thinking I am overreacting. But tonight I am very upset. I dont know how to talk to my parents, to let them listen to my side of the story. They just want to rip on me or call me a smart ***. They dont want to hear what I have to say.

I need some kind of help. I am sure this dont make sense, there is a lot on my mind right now and it is all just flowing out. I want so bad to move out, or quit school, just to show them how I dont have to listen to them. But this will go on for about two days and then it will be all blown over. I just dont know what to do.

I can admit I am very irresponsible when it comes to myself. Now if something needs to be done for someone else and they are depending on me, I am getting it done for them.

I sometimes dont keep my room the cleanest, but its never anything to bad,

I just want to know why they are quick to point out what I am doing wrong, but wont point out to what Bobby is doing.

I need help. please.

*Versailles* · 07-21-2005, 09:31 PM

I'll deal with this frequently as well, my father always told me I was lazy when I was growing up, when in fact I actually suffer from severe mental problems and learning disabilities. I am now getting help, but he still keeps constantly mocking me about my problems...I get this everyday, he calls me a ***** a lot and it always lecturing and screaming at me (even though I do clean up after myself, and I do work a lot, and I do take care of myself).

I just have one question...if you want to move out...what's stopping you??? You obviously have a good job...and can always get a student loan if you need to. If your parents aren't going to listne, get out!
It does sound like you could use some motivation to be a little cleaner, but your parents shouldn't hassle you about things.

Just make sure to make good choices.
Hang in there.

Ruth6:11 · 07-22-2005, 06:05 PM

Did you ever see a mother bird shove one of her baby birds out of the nest so that it would have to fly?
I agree that it sounds like your parents are trying to do their job - which is actually to raise an independent child who can live on their own.
If you think of the roof over your head as THEIR house then it makes more sense when they complain about your cleanliness.

Maybe its time to get a plan in place for living on your own - before your parents have to take it up another notch!!

bump_girl · 07-26-2005, 01:12 PM

Bowhunter (and anyone else who's relating to him)

You're 23. Your parents would like you to move out of the house now. They don't want to tell you this because the love you (otherwise there spurts would be more than 4x per year). My brother and I were kicked out at 16.

Wanna hear about karma, though? My mom lost her home (long story) and while there are all sorts of legal problems going on she's been occupying my youngest's room for a YEAR now and isn't paying me a red cent. (she's mean, too). I get like this with her. I don't want to force her out. I am angry that she's not taking care of business. I'm angry that when I make suggestions, they're not good enough for her to listen to; it's too much work for her.

Sounds sort of like a parent/child relationship, right? Believe me, listen to what they have to say and FULLY respect what is going on in there lives. They really are just like you, just older. They're still cool. They just know what could happen. Would you WANT your parents to run around sleeping with everyone and working for minimum wage? No. They can't let you down, so don't let them down. Just give them an ounce of credit and respect. Listen to them as people.

Bowhunter, it sounds like you actually do listen to your parents. But, it's not abuse. Not really.

As hurtful as this is going to sound, move out. Your parents aren't perfect. You obviously think they have as big of a heart as your do, but they do not. They might be looking forward to you moving out. My mom will never admit it but I was her biggest burden. Unthinkable, isn't it?

Good luck. I know all of you will make it past this!

ritzylady77 · 08-01-2005, 08:46 AM

Hi Bowhunter,

I would just like to put my two cents in. While i was reading your post, i was thinking "my god, no parent should treat their child that bad". Parents are supposed to be supportive, there for you when you need guidance, and not belittle you or make you feel like you are not worth anything.
Perhaps they might be wanting you to get out on your own, but in my opinion, they are going about it the wrong way for sure.
For example, if one of your friends wanted you to do something, and they kept calling you names and putting you down, would you do it out of the niceness of your heart? I know that i wouldn't.
When the ones that you are supposed to trust treat you this way, what do you think is going to happen as you get older? I see ramifications of this type of parental behaviour first hand where i work, and it is not pretty. Mind you, it is much worse with the children that pass through those doors, including physical abuse, but mental abuse is the same, and although physical wounds may heal, it is the mental scarring that is with you for life and is very difficult sometimes to overcome.

If you have tried speaking to your parents about this, or anything, and they act the way that they do, i would suggest that you just get out of there, for your present and future well being. It will be difficult at first on your own, but in time it gets easier, and it will be much better in the future.

There is a huge difference in the way that parents "push" their children to succeed on their own, or force them to feel like crap, and think that they are helping. Fortunately, I have had the luxery of being brought up by very supportive parents, who never called me any names, and were very helpful if i needed any guidance. And i have also seen the other end of the spectrum, how it impacts those in adulthood. The latter should be how all parents choose to raise their children.

I hope that this post hasn't offended anyone in any way. I just feel very adamant about treating children well, because the effects later on could be devastating!

Take care,