Psychosis - Will I ever get out of this hell intact? - Mental Health Message Board

JuanVicente · 07-22-2005, 08:35 PM

I don't understand my thoughts at all, my point of view on everything including life in general is completely out of place and unrecognizable, my self-esteem level is beyond zero, my personal taste is completely not what it usually is, and it's all very unstable in the way that any thought I have could fall into these categories depending on what the context is. It comes to the point where I get a phobia of how I might think about something or what might happen to a certain thought and I eventually become delusional about the thought and it's put in the furnace with the rest of them. My whole entire feelings, point of view, personal taste, etc. are not what they usually are, I feel like the old me has died and I'm scared I'll never be 'ressurected'.

I have such guilt for anything my mind could conjure up, including having these feelings and not accepting them even though they don't completely agree with my feelings entirely, and my urge to be the way I used to be is clouded by feelings of "If I want to feel the way I used to be then I'm not being honest since it's not my natural feeling to be that way at the moment".

I'm a loner and I'm a musician and I love arts like music, movies, reading, that sort of thing, it's my passion, but my personal taste isn't what it usually is and I have no interest at all in those things, no urge to have anything to do with them. My outlook on life feels like it was whiped clean by something and my head is such a mess with disorganized thoughts and feelings.

One thing that's weird is that the phobias I usually have about everyday things go on full throttle and then they could go to a very peaceful, almost numb stage where I don't even feel cautioned to them and that's scary. In many cases I could reason with the phobia and think "Alright, I feel content now but I am still cautious" yet this time I don't feel that caution.

The desire to be who I used to be makes me feel guilty of being dishonest since my head is completely out of it's comfort zone and I would be "faking" being the me who I remember myself as if I tried to sift through the false thoughts and focus on what I know the truth is to be.

Is this common with psychosis? I've cut out on caffeine, I'm making better sleeping habits, I'm also taking some natural vitamin stress reliever and I'm trying to eat better, but I'm still pessimistic. Will I ever get out of it? I want myself back

Will I ever get my mind back fully intact or will I still have some scars that could take a long time to heal? I feel like an "air" head when it comes to trying to do something like watch a movie, read, etc. when I feel any kind of calmness or peace at times. By the way, I'm taking L-Theanine to calm me.

EDITS: The last three sentences were added.

frozeninside · 07-22-2005, 10:00 PM

I know what you are trying to say. I have so much confusion that it is hard for me to even put it in to words, so I give you credit for being able to explain it so well. My mind is always racing. I question the point of life all the time, like-why does anything matter if we're just going to die anyway? I think way too much, that's half of my problem. But I can't stop. I don't know what else to do with myself. It gets to the point where I feel unreal and everything around me feels like some sick movie. I don't think what you're going through is psychosis, because from what I understand, you need to be delusional and hallucinating. I think you are most likely in the midst of depersonalization/derealization. I've tried everything from anti-d's, to therapy, to journaling, to natural supplements and exercise...nothing works for me. I recently changed my major to psychology and I am truly passionate about it, but sometimes I wonder if I will be able to stick it out, you know? I'm reading Modern Man in Search of A Soul by Carl Jung right now, and I am absolutely fascinated. For the time being, at least I have something to pursue. That would be my only recommendation-find something that gives your life a sort of direction and meaning. Keep us posted.

JuanVicente · 07-22-2005, 10:35 PM

I don't have hallucinations, but my delusional way of thinking is what got me here, and it's gotten worse for the past two years and I feel that this is the next big step in my anxiety problems getting worse.

It has come to the point where the delusions aren't just about what goes on around me, it has now affected my ability to think straight because now they're false ideals about what I'm feeling.

I've experienced depersonalization and derealization before. The depersonalization moments have happened when I would look in the mirror late at night during bathroom breaks. I would feel like I was being watched yet at the same time I felt like I was the observer. Just imagine hiding in your house and someone comes in and lives in it, meanwhile you're watching them and hiding. Mix that with the feeling of being spied on, both at the same time, and that's what I felt. I was scared of even looking at my own limbs because I knew it was a presence in the room and as much as I knew the presence was mine, I was scared as hell of the fact that I knew a human(me!) was in my bedroom at night.

frozeninside · 07-22-2005, 10:42 PM

Yeah, I feel like I'm always hovering over myself, watching everything I do and say. It's getting to be really annoying because I am never really living "in the moment." I get that creeped out feeling from the mirror late at night too. It's like, where did this person come from?? I don't know...ughhhh

GatsbyLuvr1920 · 07-23-2005, 09:46 AM

These thoughts could be OCD. Do you have clear-cut delusions and/or hallucinations? If so, it's not uncommon for OCD and psychosis to occur simultaneously. The reason I think you might have OCD is the fact that you have phobias and that you have "guilt conjured up by the images" your mind creates. Many people with OCD believe that they're schizophrenic (I did, too, at one time) because their thoughts are so bizarre, against their nature, and are impossible to control. When you have disturbing thoughts popping up in your mind all day and you can't stop them, you do feel like you're losing your mind...

-GatsbyLuvr1920-
"Sometimes I get these feelings, Katie, about things that may not really be there. Sometimes I feel like I'm losin' my mind, and if I did, it would be like flyin' blind..."
- Leo DiCaprio (as Howard Hughes)