I don't understand my thoughts at all, my point of view on everything including life in general is completely out of place and unrecognizable, my self-esteem level is beyond zero, my personal taste is completely not what it usually is, and it's all very unstable in the way that any thought I have could fall into these categories depending on what the context is. It comes to the point where I get a phobia of how I might think about something or what might happen to a certain thought and I eventually become delusional about the thought and it's put in the furnace with the rest of them. My whole entire feelings, point of view, personal taste, etc. are not what they usually are, I feel like the old me has died and I'm scared I'll never be 'ressurected'.
I have such guilt for anything my mind could conjure up, including having these feelings and not accepting them even though they don't completely agree with my feelings entirely, and my urge to be the way I used to be is clouded by feelings of "If I want to feel the way I used to be then I'm not being honest since it's not my natural feeling to be that way at the moment".
I'm a loner and I'm a musician and I love arts like music, movies, reading, that sort of thing, it's my passion, but my personal taste isn't what it usually is and I have no interest at all in those things, no urge to have anything to do with them. My outlook on life feels like it was whiped clean by something and my head is such a mess with disorganized thoughts and feelings.
One thing that's weird is that the phobias I usually have about everyday things go on full throttle and then they could go to a very peaceful, almost numb stage where I don't even feel cautioned to them and that's scary. In many cases I could reason with the phobia and think "Alright, I feel content now but I am still cautious" yet this time I don't feel that caution.
The desire to be who I used to be makes me feel guilty of being dishonest since my head is completely out of it's comfort zone and I would be "faking" being the me who I remember myself as if I tried to sift through the false thoughts and focus on what I know the truth is to be.
Is this common with psychosis? I've cut out on caffeine, I'm making better sleeping habits, I'm also taking some natural vitamin stress reliever and I'm trying to eat better, but I'm still pessimistic. Will I ever get out of it? I want myself back
Will I ever get my mind back fully intact or will I still have some scars that could take a long time to heal? I feel like an "air" head when it comes to trying to do something like watch a movie, read, etc. when I feel any kind of calmness or peace at times. By the way, I'm taking L-Theanine to calm me.
EDITS: The last three sentences were added.