ethera

I think I have BDD.

There are a few things I'd like to change about my appearance.


The earliest "trait" that made me self-conscious was my indented chest. I was always afraid to be shirtless in front of people.

Over the years, I've gotten over it a little bit once in a while.


However, I've always wondered why I didn't have more or better relationships with girls.

Sometimes it seems like they're attracted to me, but it never goes anywhere. Either I'm too shy, or they don't remain interested.



I have decided that I either need to be better looking, or "more substance".

I need to get the acne scars on my face fixed ( lasered ). They're not that bad now, but I had really bad cystic acne in high school.


Also, I have an overbite, which makes my chin look small, especially with my rather "Roman-ish" nose ( I don't think it's too big, I just think my jaw looks small ).

Some people try to suggest that I might not be trustworthy, and I think it's because of my face: maybe I look "weasel-ey", and then people associate that with dishonesty.


My eyes are a bit crooked I think ( maybe not as bad as Shannon Dougherty's but she's attractive in plenty of other ways, so it's not a problem for her ). I realize that this probably can't be fixed very easily, so I want to just try to get the other things fixed.









It hasn't been all bad; there are worse cases I'm sure. But I've always been a bit shy withdrawn and isolated.

Growing up I had a couple of girlfriends for very brief periods of time, nothing sexual happened. The rest of the time was like a famine as far as female social relationships.

After high school I was lucky enough to get with someone I was really attracted to, someone I'd fantasized about. We began a sexual relationship, and I eventually married her. But along the way, I'd wonder why she was attracted to me when it seemed like so many others weren't interested.

Have sex with her was better than the fantasy, but I always worried that I enjoyed it more than she did. I didn't often feel that I was "pleasuring" her, so much as I was having my way with her ( which was still very satisfying, gratifying ).

She was very limiting in the information she would give me about pleasuring her ( and I feel that some of it was actually dis-information, for fear that I'd take my "prowess" somewhere else: for example, she'd tell me to bite her clit/labia during rare cunnilingus. I think she wanted me to be ignorant, and didn't want me to be too confident ).

Sexy and beautiful as she was, I began looking for flaws in her ( reasons that she would let herself be with me ), whether my opinion, or her perception.

I decided her hips/vagina were a bit wide, and that she sought affirmation with a "small-ish" male ( genitally speaking ), maybe such as myself, a notion which both relieved and disturbed me.

I never knew what to think of myself that way, but now that I think about it, I think she thought I was a bit "small" ( from my research, I'm above average in length and girth department ).

Anyway, that notion made me want to find other partners, for the sake of my own affirmation and experimentation.

It never really happened. One girl I got with ( but never had sex with ) had beautiful, large, yet amazingly firm breasts ( they were natural, and she was a 19 year old virgin ) but her butt was kind of "tight". She was pretty, but not in the same way as my ex wife.

I decided not to mess with her because I wasn't willing to commit to her, even though I'm sure I would have greatly enjoyed to have sex with her.





Basically I just feel like I'm not attractive/dominant enough, to the women I'm attracted to.

I don't seem to fend off bullies/competitors well, even if a girl likes me at first.

I feel like if I was more attractive, then I wouldn't have to worry so much about bullies and hecklers, and that girls would be more assertive in approaching me. i.e. the burden would be less on me to "present" myself to them.


I feel like I either need to be better looking, or else I need a bigger-"looking" penis ( it can appear very small when non erect ).




I don't totally dislike myself though. I feel attractive sometimes, just not very sophisticated when push comes to shove.


There are things I like about myself: My height, my body shape ( broad shoulders, long arms, long torso ) my chest hair, my eyes ( not their structural situation in my face ), my dark hair ( although it has thinned a bit )



I am often alone and isolated. I avoid social situations. My work and academic life have often suffered, never really getting anywhere, and my social life has been next to nothing, for a very long time.



That's why I think I have BDD.