Maud

My daughter's been married for over 20 years to a man who intensely dislikes me. All was well the first 4 yrs, until my husband and I cut off the money--we'd been supporting them. My daughter told me that her husband raised the roof, said we had the money, we just didn't want him to have it. We never had a lot, and even if we did, we felt it wasn't our responsibility to support his family.

Our son-in-law had a decent-paying job when he married our daughter. In spite of the fact that our granddaughter was born the lst year of their marriage, he felt free to quit his job and get another--and another and another, etc. etc. He must've had 20 or more jobs since then. His boss picks on him, company policy is unfair, his commissions were capped, he can't do the work (bad back as long as I've known him), he had an accident, and so on. This guy's also accident prone away from work, but insists on riding motorcycles (and spending money on cycles) even though he admits it hurts his back.

Our daughter feels sorry for poor Jimmy and his constant bad luck, and cheerfully works to keep them solvent and Jimmy happy. She once borrowed 10 dollars from me so he make a quick cycle to trip to Florida. She says she doesn't want to go on these "vacations" with him because they sleep in tents at the race track.

Our granddaughter is into high school sports. Her mother is not allowed to cheer at games because Jimmy thinks it's unladylike. She's broken up with Johnny 3 times now, twice by mutual consent, the third time he kicked her out. He kept the house, my granddaughter, the family pets. My daughter got a dreary 2-room furnished apartment and their new car that wasn't paid for, I pointed that Jimmy hadn't given her a new car, he'd given her a big monthly bill.I went for counselling, our daughter wouldn't even though it was free. I was told he fit the pattern of the abuser to an astonishing degree. They went to a counselling session the next day where he threw his arms ups in an epiphany, shouting "I'm cured. I'm cured." My daughter went back with him the same day. He'd had their entire house redecorated, just the way he wanted it, while my daughter was gone. It's beautiful, she likes it, but she had no opportunity for any input or suggestions. She did have the next 5 years to pay for it all, because Jimmy quit his job again.

Over the years Jimmy has found ways to torture me. He has my husband correctly pegged as a good-natured, easy-going guy and me as being the strong one in the family. I was in college when my granddaughter was born. Jimmy would ask me, in front of my husband to babysit, I'd say no, my husband would say, "Why not, you can help them out, it's your granddaughter." And I usually ended up babysitting.

Then the money flow dried up, Jimmy had to work, and he got depressed, talked about suicide, according to my daughter. Things got worse for me. My granddaughter said I said bad things about her daddy. I didn't, not to her. What ever he was he was her father and I wanted to have a good relationship with him. But she began to say things like, "May I have a clean towel? My daddy says you don't change them often enough." And, "My daddy told me not to drink anything in your house because your dishwasher doesn't rinse the soap out of the glasses."

Jimmy arranged for Sara to the state police cadet camp for a week. He told my husband and me that we couldn't attend ending ceremonies for the kids, parents only. My daughter goofed and showed us pictures of all Jimmy's relatives who were there. Jimmy said he'd said it because he didn't want to make me feel bad, he knew I couldn't go, I'd just had a knee replacement.

Now my granddaughter has just had her first baby. I'm not allowed to pick it up, but must wait patiently until someone hands the child to me.I have fibromyalgia and do get dizzy from time to time, but as I told my granddaughter, "I would never never do anything to hurt your baby."
I feel that my granddaughter gets her attitude toward me from her father. My daughter also becomes very abusive toward me on occasion, which I also blame on her husband's influence. I was physically and emotionally isolated from my daughter and granddaughter for 20 years because of this guy. I don't want to be cut off from my Great-grandson. But short of keeping my distance, what can I do?[url]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/icons/icon5.gif[/url]