I think I'm losing it... - Mental Health Message Board

greeneyes109 · 09-11-2005, 09:19 AM

My husband had a heart attack 10 days ago and I knew it would happen eventually because he has had blockages repaired with stents over the past 10 years and has never taken care of himself or quit smoking. I was fine while we were in the hospital, but now that he's home I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly looking through the trash for cigarette butts, (he claims to have stopped) sniffing his clothes to see if I smell smoke, peeking out the window everytime he goes outside, even trying to look through the keyhole of the bathroom door when I think he's been in there too long! I know this isn't normal, but I don't know how to stop. At night I keep my hand on his chest to make sure I feel him breathing and he even held his breath one time just to scare me and try to make me laugh, but I can't seem to move on to normal life like he seems to be doing. I'm afraid for him, and now I'm afraid for me too. A hopeless desperate feeling that I can't seem to shake. I have no idea what to do. Can someone please help?

Ruth6:11 · 09-11-2005, 09:44 AM

Hi Greeneyes - I'm really glad you stopped in here.
You are having a VERY NORMAL reaction to your husband's heart attack. You lost your mom not long ago at all, and now one of the other most important person's in your life has come so close to also dying.
This is one situation where grief and fear do NOT equal a mental health imbalance!!
Grief/fear are NORMAL. They can last a long long time. It took me at least a year or two to even begin to get to feeling 1/2 ok after my dad's death. You've been hit by a one-two punch.
If you happen to have a Hospice organization in your area they have grief groups there for people like you and me. It helped me alot. I went to one about 6 months after my Dad died and most for most people there it had been a year and they were finally beginning to cope enough to even get to the group.

Your husband's heart attack must have scared the holy you know what out of you.
If my husband had had one within 4 months of my Dad's death I would have been more of a mess then a already was.

My opinion? You're ok, but you're grieving and you're scared. A hospice group or a grief type counselor might really help. But unless you're not functioning totally I'd steer away from meds if at all possible. Fear and grief are two normal things that take time to get through....

I'm trying to come up with a really awesome response if he tries to "fool you" again and pretend he isn't breathing. Chest compressions and mouth to mouth might be too enjoyable for him!

Honest, give yourself some time & some understanding!! And don't hesitate to come back here. If they ship us over to the Grief & Loss board I'll see you there!

greeneyes109 · 09-11-2005, 03:29 PM

Thank you Ruth, for the reassurance. And yes, it did cross my mind that God would not be so unfair as to take my husband after just taking my mom. How could I even want to go on after that? As far as the meds go, his doctor and mine prescribed Zoloft for each of us, but he has no co-pay, so we can really only afford one prescription of it. I am actually filling mine with my co-pay and he is taking it. I am going to take your advice and look into some of the support groups here in my town. I thought I might also try the churchs even though I haven't been to church in many years. I tell you, this past couple of weeks has felt like the end of the world to me. I am in Louisiana, just west of New Orleans, and all of the death and devastation I've seen has just added to everything I was already trying to deal with. My husband's heart attack happened the day after Katrina hit and the hospital was so full, and the city was so full of people just wandering around. I still can't believe it. Even now, when a moment of peace kind of sneaks into my mind, I don't let myself feel too good because I know that reality will come charging back in. It's almost easier to stay miserable! Well, thanks again for the kind words, and I may try that mouth to mouth thing if he tries to scare me again. Thanks for the smile!

Ruth6:11 · 09-12-2005, 08:42 PM

ALOT of church's would be empty If we all decided not to go to church because it has been awhile since we've been there!! If you do give it a try, I'd love to hear how it went... I've been trying to find a new church home for years now. I know it would help to have that faith/support.

You have been thru hell my friend. You are actually due a real anxiety/panic attack although I hope you don't collect on it.
I live in tornado land and I count myself lucky compared to living in the way of earthquakes or category 4 & 5 hurricanes. In a way you've helped put a face on what it going down there for me. We know there are hurricane victims - but don't stop to think about the fact that there are heart attacks going on too.

And keep in mind how strong you are.
Giving up your Zoloft so he can have it.
Finding help for starters here at HealthBoards.
Dealing with your Mom's death AND you husband's heart attack.
Not crawling into a corner which is what I would be doing instead of plugging away like you are!!

You've got Survivor written all over you - you're just to close to read it yourself!
Hang in there, be sure to let me know how you're doing...
Ruth

greeneyes109 · 09-13-2005, 06:01 AM

Thank you Ruth, for the encouraging words! When I look at what you've written, I feel like a survivor! I've been back to work for two days now, and I thought I'd be a basket case, just worrying the whole time I was there, but it was actually good to get back to doing something normal. Today is my husband's followup visit with the surgeon who removed his gallbladder (did I mention that while we were in the hospital he had a gallbladder attack too? Unbelievable!) He seems to have recovered from that surgery pretty well. Next week we go for his echocardiogram and to talk to the cardiologist about his upcoming bypass surgery. We haven't talked about it much with him because I'm afraid to freak him out or cause him to get really depressed and just refuse to have the surgery. I'm going to let the doctor do the explaining. There is a way to bypass an artery now by making an incision between two ribs, so the rib cage doesn't have to be sawed open. I hope my husband is a good candidate for this type of surgery. All he can think about right now is how bad he wants a cigarette. He walks around holding this little stick like a cigarette and even puts it in his mouth like one. I feel so bad for him, but have no idea how to help. He had a friend from his job come over and actually ask "do you mind if I smoke?" And of course he said no...I would NEVER have done that to someone who is trying to quit! Well, thanks again, Ruth! You've kind of become like my therapist here! Please feel free to send me a bill! : )
Roxy