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Old 10-18-2005, 03:16 PM   #1
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So many issues...what am I dealing with?

Hello. I posted yesterday on the Relationship Health board regarding my relationship with my boyfriend (I'm 39, he's 44). One person suggested I check out information regarding bi-polar disorder, but when I looked into it further, he seems to exhibit many traits from many different disorders. I know that he has been diagnosed with PTSD and a few different types of depression. I also know that he stopped medication on his own and only goes to therapy sporadically. What I also know is that he is draining ME physically and emotionally and I'm so confused...sometimes I think he is such a nasty, unworthy "you know what" and then other times I feel guilty and sometimes I feel insecure, as if some of his behavior wouldn't be occurring if I behaved differently. I guess I'll list some of these behaviors; maybe someone can shed some light on this and I can begin my journey of either repairing this relationship or maybe get some help in getting out.

-Alcohol abuse (drinks almost every day...often breaks plans with me to hang out at the local bar until it closes)
- Insomnia (never wants to go to sleep...often has to drink to go to sleep...sometimes gets in bed and can't sleep, so he goes on the couch and stays up late and then sleeps all day)
- He's retired from the military (4 years ago). Is using disability and retirement and is proud of the fact he doesn't work and has no desire to work. He putts around his place all day, or sleeps, or goes sailing or watches t.v. and then speaks of how stressful his life is.
-is neglectful and volatile to his kids. leaves his 12 year old (he gets him every other weekend) and goes out drinking
- lies to me and b.s.'s me all the time...makes up excuses why he can't come over and then i find out he was out all night drinking.
- has a volatile temper...has thrown several items in the harbor in a fit of temper...slams things around...drives crazy...curses and yells in a fit of rage over small things
- talks down to people...can be very condescending and patronizing
- gets loud and obnoxious and rude in public...tries to be the center of attention, even if it means being an a******. acts embarrasingly.
- treats me like cr** in front of others...yells at me in public and in private.
- often completely ignores me when we're out...treats me like i'm not there while he struts around and talks to everyone else.
-alternates between that and being very loving and affectionate and overly zealous in expressing his love for me...in public and private.
- often has "manic" episodes where he talks a mile a minute and acts goofy and childish.
- often has times where he says he's depressed and moody...withdraws from me...but doesn't have a problem being in the bars.
- can be cheap as can be...bad tipper, etc., but then spends money on really expensive stuff, but then nickels and dimes me on things.
- sometimes yells at me if i "call him too much," (in his words), says he needs his space, he's not chained to his cell phone, etc. he literally blows up over it.
- he'll yell at me and act terribly and then call and say "i love you, i'm so sorry," and then say he wishes he was still at my house and hadn't left (we only live 7 blocks away) and wants to come back over...then doesn't call back and winds up at the bar.
- has three kids with problems...one daugher is an ex-junkie on the verge of going back with many other issues, a son who is constantly suspended for inappropriate behavior and is so manipulative and a liar and another daugher who also has problems.
- always seems to have the urge to make me see that he is better than me in many ways.
- doesn't appreciate the fact that he does, in fact, have an intelligent, hard-working, attractive, outgoing, fun, loyal girlfriend...when others tell him that or say that to me in front of him, he's like "yeah, whatever." it seems he hates when i get attention of any kind. he'll go out if his way to be "shocking". he acts like a clown sometimes.
- shows absolutely no concern, whatsoever, over anyone showing to much attention to me...won't try to protect me or defend me...i don't expect him in any way to beat people up for me, but he wouldn't defend me if need be. i also don't expect him to be jealous, but he absolutely would not care if a handsome stranger came in and started hitting on me...it would almost make him act cockier. i wish i could explain this.
- to be perfectly honest, and i don't know how to say this without sounding arrogant, but he is no don juan by far and i am known to be above average in attractiveness...according to my friends, have men waiting in line for me to get out of this situation...but he is always the one that acts so arrogant and like a big shot. he's kind of, for lack of better words, nerdy looking, but looks at himself in the mirror and talks about how handsome he is, etc. i've actually had people say "that's an odd match, he must be great in bed or something, or he must be really sweet to you..." not that i care about looks, i like the way he looks, but he has the arrogance of jude law or brad pitt...it's strange.
- i've heard in his past, before me, he "messed" with A LOT of women, usually much older, not so attractive, but a different one every other night, almost as if he was trying to prove something.
- he gets fixated on tasks or projects, takes forever to finish but is manic about it, then depressed when he has nothing to do, but refuses to find a job or take a class or something and when he does, he neglects it.
- he engages in a lot of "teenage" activities...it can be nice, but it's also annoying to have an almost 45 year old man obsessed with skateboarding or video games or acting like a juvenile.

oh, there's much more, but i should stop because it's already probably too long. do these things add up to anything? any advice? i'm on an emotional rollercoaster, being lied to and yelled at and verbally abused and ignored one minute and then showered with love the next. And he likes to say that i'm the one with the problems...always talks about my issues and always says all his ex-girlfriends were crazy. The common denominator is him, right? I feel stuck...I've tried to end it a few times to no avail. Any advice? I am at a loss and exhausted.

 
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Old 10-18-2005, 06:15 PM   #2
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

Sounds like you married my ex husband, lol. Oh my, where do these men come from??
That was quite a list, I hope you intend to stand your ground and set boundaries. People like this don't change unless they love you. If someone loves you enough they will change, believe it or not, and will also be quilt tripped into doing almost anything for you, lol. WHY? Because they know they messed up big time.

Either tell him to straighten up for the love of God, or tell him good-bye. Please don't allow this kind of abuse from any man. Be safe.

 
Old 10-19-2005, 04:47 PM   #3
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

I'd actually suspect bipolar disorder. I don't think it's coincidence that you described him as being "manic." The childish giddiness, the rapid speech, the violent outbursts, the fixation on projects, the increase in activity, the loss of inhibitions- definitely sounds like mania to me! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but I'd seriously think about getting him evaluated for bipolar disorder. Does he also sleep less, think he's "on-top-of-the-world", or have grandiose delusions? If so, I'd almost guarantee it was mania. And the fact that he's officially been diagnosed with depression, and is now acting risky and grandiose, seems to clinch my suspicion of mania. If he indeed is bipolar, the quicker you get his mood stabilized with medications, the quicker he will be back to normal. Since he's experiencing all of these symptoms that suggest mental illness, I really doubt that this is how he really feels about you. I understand how frustrating it is to live with someone like this- my idiot father most likely had Narcissitic Personality Disorder and possibly bipolar disorder (definitely has alcoholism and compulsive gambling), so I know that life with this kind of person is hell. However, my father purposely was verbally abusive, obnoxious, and neglectful from the NPD- only the outbursts, the mood swings, and the strange sleeping habits (which I have inherited in the form of possible cyclothymia, thank you very much) were possible symptoms of mania. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Good luck and God bless!
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Last edited by GatsbyLuvr1920; 10-19-2005 at 04:52 PM.

 
Old 10-19-2005, 07:26 PM   #4
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

thanks gatsby. i'm sure you're right about bi-polar, and i've also suspected narcissistic personality disorder as well. he has a very frightenly inflated ego for someone that doesn't really have reason to, not that anyone really does. it's almost like nothing else and no one else matters to him. in times that he's awful to me i'll say "you made me feel bad" or "you hurt me" and he'll say "i can't MAKE you feel any way, that's your fault if you feel that way." he's mean and nasty and volatile at times. during a time when i attemped to leave him in the past, he said terrible things about me and to me, sent hateful text messages and emails, etc. deliberately hurtful and evil. if someone pisses him off, she is that fat/ugly/crazy b**** or that stupid, moronic *****. really hateful stuff. the thing is, he has been to therapy many times, and he has been on medication. he has told me several times that he refuses to ever take medication again and he never goes to therapy. it is impossible to have this dicussion with him. if i even SUGGEST he needs help he turns into a wild animal and tries to say it's me that needs help. when i asked him a question last night about his behavior he punched himself in the head and screamed at me and said i was making him crazy. when i mention his drinking, he says "you mean OUR drinking problem?" i have no drinking problem and he knows it. he's just got me so twisted around i'm actually physically ill, i look awful and my self-esteem is so low i CAN'T leave him...i've tried. i want to, i know it's best, but he makes me feel like i'm at fault...like i'll be nothing without him. i know that's not true, but it makes it so hard to cut it off once and for all. do you have any suggestions on how to successfully end a relationship with someone like this...and we live in the same neighborhood, know the same people and frequent the same places? thank you so much. i need some peace in my life.

 
Old 10-19-2005, 11:32 PM   #5
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

Yeah, the vindictive crap he's pulled would be NPD, not mania. Yes, manic persons will become violent and initiate fights, but they only do it if they feel that they are being "provoked" such as being interrupted during one of their ramblings. The stuff he's said to you and the ego, of course, sound just like my father, unfortunately. To give you a VERY brief idea of what a cruel idiot he was, I'll give you two examples:
when my mother asked him if he loved her, he replied, "Apparently not";
when I was 10, we went to Disneyland, and while my mother was in getting hot dogs, he asked me at the table, "Do you love Daddy?" I replied, "I don't love the way you've been acting," to which he fliply responded, "Well, I'll just leave then," and proceeded in leaving me in the middle of a Main Street restaurant. My mother came out to find me in tears and him all the way down towards the park entrance where I couldn't see him. The literal abandonment of the metaphorical neglect I had to endure for the ten previous years...
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Old 10-20-2005, 05:51 AM   #6
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GatsbyLuvr1920
The literal abandonment of the metaphorical neglect I had to endure for the ten previous years...
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
Oh my God, that sounds so much like him it's unbelievable. I'm so sorry you had to endure that with your father; that couldn't have been a great way to grow up. That is exactly the kind of behavior my bf exhibits..."fine, i'll leave then!" that kind of thing. So many things are falling into place. Thanks for writing; I really do appreciate it. I'll keep you posted.

 
Old 10-20-2005, 06:11 AM   #7
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

Yeah, unfortunately, it sounds like we're dealing with one-and-the-same. You were right- my childhood sucked, but I wouldn't change it because it definitely made me who I am today. I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of person; I know how frustrating it is. Also, on a sidenote, I saw your other post mentioned that he was trying to make you insane- wow! Does that sound like my idiot father! My mom believes (and I'm in agreement) that he tried to make us both go crazy (successful) so we'd leave- that way he'd be able to say, "They left. I don't know why- nothing I did..."
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Old 10-20-2005, 06:58 AM   #8
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

it's so similar i can't believe it. my friend says he's "gaslighting" me. remember that movie?

He thinks: "you're the crazy one. That's why it won't work." That is really what he believes. When I split up with him before for a few weeks, he sent me a text message that said "go peddle crazy somewhere else." Sent me an email calling me a "nag hag" with "issues."

Nice, huh?

 
Old 10-20-2005, 12:24 PM   #9
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

i ended it. broke up with him. he's picking up his stuff from my house and dropping off my key on saturday. i'm exhausted.

 
Old 10-20-2005, 12:50 PM   #10
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nannie8
i ended it. broke up with him. he's picking up his stuff from my house and dropping off my key on saturday. i'm exhausted.

 
Old 10-20-2005, 04:02 PM   #11
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

I agree! You're free from this hellish existence! Just wait until the initial feelings of guilt subside- you won't believe how much better your life is! Six years after we left, this August, I officially wrote him off, and it feels great! If you need to talk, I'm here! God bless!
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Old 10-23-2005, 08:01 PM   #12
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

thanks for your support. today was TOUGH. i went out friday and night and saturday night with my girls and had a great time...i felt great, light, liberated. we changed the day he came to get his stuff to today instead of yesterday. god, it was hard. we talked for two hours and i think that he truly believed i was going to take him back. he told me how much he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, that i am a remarkable woman and that he is miserable without me. he apologized for being awful to me. i also had the opportunity to FINALLY tell him everything that bothered me..my chance to vent since i never got to before because his issues always took precendence. he said he was going to try to slow down or quit drinking, get back on his meds and get back into therapy. i told him about the issues i had with his son and the way he let him get away with being disrespectful and rude to me. we talked until i was exhausted and i swear i almost weakened. but i didn't. he said "let's take a break from talking about this" and suggested we talk again tomorrow. the ONLY thing that kept from saying okay, or saying "stay tonight" was a voice in my head saying "he's telling you everything you want to hear, he's maniupulating you again, don't fall for it." i barely held on, i tell you. but in the end i said "i think it's for the best that we stay broken up." i also pointed out that if we ever got married, he wouldn't be able to escape the way he does now and it would be 10 times worse. i pointed out that i didn't want to marry someone that at any given moment would say "i'm going to go to honduras for a month" or "i'm going to take off to florida for two weeks" or "i'm going to escape to my boat." i said a lot of things. he said "every time you get angry, you want to break up." and i said "no, you're not hearing me. it's not because i'm angry. it's because i can't take being yelled at, treated like crap and having you vent all your frustration and anger out on me. i'm sick of being completed ignored when we're out in public. i'm sick of you yelling at me in front of people. i'm tired and i just can't take anymore." he kept trying to rationalize everything, like he didn't want to admit it was his fault. finally he said "i'm very sorry. i love you." i told him i loved him too and we hugged and he sadly walked out the door. i feel awful. i know this too, shall pass. but in the meantime, how do i deal with this crushing guilt/sadness and questioning if i did the right thing?

 
Old 11-21-2005, 10:56 PM   #13
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Lightbulb Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

You DEFINITELY did the right thing. It took me 11 years and the final straw was when he did something neglectful to our child. I have never regretted regaining my life and realizing that I was a unique, good, and deserving woman. I finally was able to leave the verbal abuse behind where it belonged and not in my head where he tried to plant it. You will get through this and realize only he can change, not you.

 
Old 11-22-2005, 02:25 AM   #14
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

hey are you dating my ex???? hehehe, sounds like he has a touch of NPD with bi polar too, exactly like my ex....I wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating on you too....my ex used to do all of those things you listed and more, like now he's started measuring his clothes before theyr'e washed as he got so neurotic about them shrinking.....I know this doesn't make sense to normal people...hehe. i have literally just broke up with him after a year and a half, and I feel so good and so free....please do not stay with this man anymore....I know any amount of friends/family/strangers can say this to you but you must believe it. I have just freed myself and I can't explain what it's like....you need to get your confidence and appreciate yourself a little more, that's what I have learned...because if we don't have respect for ourselves then no-one else is going to are they??? I urge you to get out and learn to like yourself again....I'm sure you know your'e worth more than this Good luck

 
Old 11-22-2005, 06:22 AM   #15
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Re: So many issues...what am I dealing with?

There is NO way you are unworthy enough in life to deserve this kind of inhumane treatment. You worry about what it is you are dealing with and the way I see it you are dealing with an animal. The list is too long. If he wanted to change, he would have done it long before you. I would heed your friends advice and get the hell out while you still can.
I don't think your job is to analize his problems and try and justify them. I would analize your own reasons for staying.
hugzzzzz (cuz you sure as hell need them)
hell

I just now read the rest of the postings here and say GoodJob in getting out. I know it is hard and all but you will thank yourself in the end.

Last edited by hellonwhls; 11-22-2005 at 06:27 AM. Reason: misread some of the post

 
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