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Old 12-05-2005, 03:58 AM   #1
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It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

Man, where should I start...Im a male and I just turned 18 and I think I've got some serious problems here...

First of all Im 100% sure I have OCD. I do wash my hands all the time, I cant go to bed without washing them like 10 times because the moment I pull my blanket over me I feel like my hands are kind of sticky or too dry and I HAVE to stand up and wash them or I cant go to sleep cause of the restlessnes.

I also have an Anxiety disorder...when I would walk to school I'd take the longer way to school to avoid talking to some people I know because I fear that I might say something stupid and stuff like that, theres more too but Im sure you know what I mean...

Here is my main problem though, I noticed that im doing very very weird things ...like in the middle of the night when i start thinking of something I stand up and start walking around the house and dont know why, I feel like a robot because of that. If I think of something exciting or remember some funny memories I'd just stand up and walk around imagining it, I realize its tottaly freaky but I just continue to do it!

Sometimes, actually very frequently, when Im bored I start making up stories in my mind and organize them like they are a movie and my thoughts have to be exactly how I want them or I "re-think" them. I know this sounds plain freaky but thats the best way I could explain that! (this has been going on since I was maybe 10 or 12 years old.)

now MOST IMPORTANTLY, I seem to have big problems doing certain things, I miss work the most out of everybody probably, If I wake up and I feel my bed is really comfy, there is no way I can leave for work, just the thought of me having to stand up and take a shower and get ready and stay there for 5 hours makes me sick and there is no way I can get up! For normal people its easy but for me it seriously feels like there is no way for me to get out, if I dont like the thought I wont get out. I remember having to go early to a doc appointment and my mom woke up really early to get me up to prepare and I actually told her to re-schedule it, thats how bad it is, you cant imagine how much I ****** her off.

Same with school and homework. I would get home and say I would do homework but I just cant. its as if im afraid to do it or like there is some kind of barrier in my thought that prevents me to do the homework, I just wont do it and I find everysingle way to avoid it...no matter what it is. My parents think im lazy but im sure there is something else behind that.

Im also very disorganized. My life is a complete mess right now, im going to graduate a year later now because of these problems and Im extremely depressed because I have a hard time making friends because of the way I am. When I talk to someone I awlays try to act like the way they want me to be or how I think they'd like me. In my head i always imagine that i should be original but I cant be around people because I always lie to them about alot of things. I should be happy because I've got a few very good close friends who I love alot and who constantly make me laugh but it aint helping here, something is missing in my life.

Another thing is that im very easily hurt. Not only if its me but if its somebody else! I'll explain what I mean...At work we had a new chick and she's about my age and has a hearing aid and some speech disorder, she also doesnt have any sense of fashion and wears the most awful clothes. It broke my heart when I saw her and how she was nice to everyone but that it had to happen to her and how she doesnt deserve to be retarded. There are alot of nice people though who talk to her and are nice but it still hurts really badly. I dont see how I can live like this and what made me feel sorry for people so much!?

Please, if you have ANY ideas on anything please respond...or if you got simmilar "problems" like I do tell me what your psych said and it might put me at ease just knowing it. No, I havent been to a psychiatrist yet because to tell you the truth, I dont feel like telling him everything, I thought of how it would be and how long it would take and I keep thinking that i might forget to mention something and where to start and so on! To me all this sounds kind of like severe OCD if worse!

Last edited by DarkChange; 12-05-2005 at 04:15 AM.

 
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Old 12-05-2005, 05:45 AM   #2
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

OMG! You sound JUST like me, a fellow obsessive-compulsive! I don't have contamination fears (I'm a "pure obsessional", so I have few noticeable compulsions, only mental compulsions), but you are the first person I've ever read on here who has the EXACT same thing I do- the whole "can't-do-your-homework-or-get-out-of-bed-because-you're-paralyzed-with-fear-and-perfectionism" thing! Why do you think that, at 8:42, when I have a class at 9, that I'm on here?! Is it because I'm lazy? No! I procrastinate due to horrible panic attacks and compulsive avoidance. Have since I was a little kid; it's very difficult to face the situation. I also have something similar to you with the movie quotes- I don't re-organize them, but I have to say movie/TV quotes/songs that are stuck in my head perfectly, with the proper intonation before I can stop. Tres annoying... I also find it interesting that you, too, like me, are 18! Are you a senior or in college? I'm a college freshman this year- no more stress than high school, it's the same high level every freakin' day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I'm a neuroscience major, and know a lot about OCD, not only due to my own OCD, but because I hope to find a cure someday. God bless, and write back soon!
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Old 12-05-2005, 07:45 PM   #3
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

Ah so THATS the word for it. I was wondering what word to use when describing my type of OCD but "pure obsessional" sounds perfect. Well its nice meeting someone with pretty mucht he same thing, Im a highschool senior and I cant wait to get out and go to college but im terrified I might not be able to study because of my problems here, I think a psychiatrist is the best solution and I want to be on meds just so it can make this hell go away.
Oh and about that thing you said with the movie-quotes and having to say them perfectly and stuff sounds exactly like me too, I was emberassed about it but I dont see why I should, we are all human, right? Im sure we're not the only ones with this. A close friend of mine has OCD I think but he is wreck...he constantly has to do weird movements and says excuses like "oh my god, i just had the chills!" I feel sorry for him too and im thankful that I havent gone that far yet...
Really cool that you started college and what you're going for is awesome! I wish you the best and really hope the OCD wont get in the way of that because colllege is like the most important thing.

I probably have like a million questions but I just cant think of any right now, Ill probably post when I do!

Actually I do have a question, I just thought of it now...there isnt just one type of OCD, right? what I mean is that do all people with OCD have it from anxiety? or could it be just pure obsessions like some of my symptoms? (but most anxiety related as you have noticed.) Things like the repeating of phrases and movies and songs in your head so it sounds perfect and stuff...what could cause THAT? Because in my head they do have to feel and sound perfect it still sort of sounds like perfectionism so thats probably still anxiety related....man, im so confused.

 
Old 12-06-2005, 12:27 AM   #4
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

DarkChange- Don't be fooled- though your friend may have overt compulsions, in my opinion, us pure obsessionals live a worse hell. Think about it: everyone who sees your friend can see that he has OCD; he has obvious compulsions, and they're noticeable. (Since he keeps having to do the same movements and suddenly blurting out the same phrases, I wouldn't be surprised if he has Tourette's or a mixture of both Tourette's and OCD; the two are notorious for being closely related.) For people like you and me, however, many think that we're "faking" or "exaggerating" our symptoms or simply just think we have something wrong so we can use it as an excuse to get out of doing things we don't feel like doing. Because I only have mental compulsions (praying, tapping rhythms to songs, having to repeat the songs over and over, obsessive ruminations and analysis- I try to find a reason for everything, and if I begin to doubt one of my strong beliefs, I have to find the reason, and then prove it wrong- and counterimages- fixing a "bad" image to a picture of a "good image") no one ever sees the stereotypical OCD-er, the hand-washer, the door checker, the one who needs to have everything perfectly aligned. It's horrible- since they don't see the overt symptoms, and the bizarre violent, sexual, and blasphemous thoughts are extremely hard to explain without sounding schizophrenic, nobody understands what we go through. At my worst, when I was 12, before I even had a clue that I had OCD, I would literally get home from school at 3, and have obsessions for eight straight hours, until I went to bed. And, of course, since I'm hyper-honest, my compulsion was to confess all of the thoughts to my mother, especially before bedtime, so I'd have a guilt-free conscience to go to sleep. Also, I'm a messy person, not because I like to be, but because I either don't have time, or more likely, it takes all of my energy to get out of bed when I'm really bad, and doing even the simplest of things such as cleaning my room, makes me nervous. Why do you think I'm on here at 3:00 in the morning? Is it because I'm slacking off and don't feel like doing my homework? No- it's because I have a lab practicum tomorrow and I also have to register for my spring classes tomorrow, and the stupid, crappy website hasn't been working, and I'm already catastrophizing that the website won't work for me, that all of my classes I want will be filled up, that I'll be the only one who is in this situation, etc. I know for a fact that I'm not going to be sleeping hardly at all tonight. I woke up at 1:30, and I've been up ever since, going through waves of panic. Anyway, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is categorized as an "anxiety disorder", so the thing that defines it, even more so than the types of obsessions and/or compulsions, is the anxiety that we sufferers feel during an obsession (more so for us pure obsessionals) and/or during a time when a compulsion cannot be performed (more so for the hand-washers and such, who as far as I have read, don't have "actual" thoughts like you and me, such as one of mine- suddenly thinking, "I wish my mom were dead", or hearing, "I hate God"- but more of a "feeling" that something isn't right, or "What if my hands are dirty? I should wash them!"). Despite all of the different subsets of OCD, including contamination, checking, seeking reassurance, pure obsessional, scrupulosity, ordering/arranging, hoarding, doubting, ruminating, and counting, we all share the basic symptom- "Something's wrong, and if I don't fix it, something terrible's going to happen, and it'll all be my fault!" For washers, this comes in the form of "If I don't wash my hands, and I touch somebody, they'll get sick and die!" or for people like me, I'll have the horrible thoughts listed above, and I'll think, "I don't mean that, but what if God punishes me for what I thought? I know He knows it's not my fault, but what if my mom really will die if I don't pray for forgiveness/neutralize the thought for her protection?" OCD is, in my opinion, the most severe of the anxiety disorders, and I'd categorize it as the fourth most debilitating mental illness:
1. schizophrenia
2. bipolar disorder (manic-depression)
3. depression
4. OCD
We all are perfectionists, another trait of the disorder. Almost all OCD-ers have a high sensitivity to fear, a high rate of scrupulosity and/or feeling responsible when something goes wrong, and a tendency to become fixated on anything. I'm the perfect example of this- whenever I watch a movie I really like for the first time or discover a new hobby, I latch onto it, learn everything about it, and perfect my knowledge on it. I was on another forum, just for teens, and one post was on favorite movie quotes, and it astonished me that the ones who quoted my fav movie, "Chicago," didn't know the lines. I can practically recite the whole movie perfectly, along with my other favorite movies, but that really opened my eyes to my strange "talent" of sorts. I find it very intriguing that you are in the same boat as me, both mentally and developmentally, and I really enjoy talking to you. As far as what causes you and me to have to do the quotes in our heads, or makes some people wash, and others have to check to make sure the stove is turned off properly, it's all due to a messed-up brain circuitry, which causes the symptoms, which in turn, causes the anxiety. There's a part of our brain called the basal ganglia, which contains the caudate nucleus, putamen, and globus pallidus, and it's thought to be the center for the formation of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. This makes sense, especially when you consider the functions of the basal ganglia- to filter out extraneous sensory information, to smoothly integrate and coordinate motor skills, and to help with timed/habitual/rhythmic procedures that occur automatically. Other parts responsible are the orbitofrontal cortex (the area of the brain right behind the eyes) and the amygdala, the main "fear center". Also, theories surrounding the neurotransmitter serotonin are also believed to cause OCD- that's why the main medications for the condition, such as Zoloft and Prozac, are called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI's). Don't blame yourself! OCD has been proven to be a neurochemical condition! Simply, our brains think too much- brain scans have shown that all parts of OCD-ers brains are much more overactive, even at rest, than normal people. If you have any more questions regarding OCD, I'll certainly be glad to help. That's another area where I have ironically become fixated and had to know every possible aspect about the illness. Besides, that's what I want to focus on in my career, and I'm actually writing a research paper for my physiological psychology class regarding my theories on causes of OCD. Hang in there- I definitely know what you're going through! Write back soon!
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Last edited by GatsbyLuvr1920; 12-06-2005 at 12:41 AM.

 
Old 12-06-2005, 04:00 AM   #5
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

Wow, first of all thanks for the great info, I really did read through all that because it was pretty interesting, especially the part about the brains and what parts do what when it comes to OCD. I noticed one thing that we have in commong again, which is the "what if god punishes me for what im thinking or for what I just thought." the thing is thought that im not really religious, I want there to be a god though because I dont want to die and just not exist forever...the thought of that really freaks me out and because of that I have another obsession, whenever I think of that I keep saying things to myself to do the most out of my life and then I just call up random people and ask them if they went to go somewhere with me or hang out so I dont waste any time of my life doing nothing. Anyways, back to what I was talking about. Like I said sometimes when im alone and I get weird thoughts I would freak out and hope that god wouldn't punish me or strike me down with lightning when there is a thunderstorm or so. It's been pretty bad because I remember last year, when there was a monsoon here, there was really bad lightning. like almost every two secs or so, and I live in phoenix AZ so lightning is the worst here, well at least thats what I've head, and when it was lightning I would stay away from the fridge, anything electric, away from the windows, close the curtains because I thought it would kind of be like a barrier against the lightning. I'd constantly watch my parents and sister because I wanted them to be safe and stuff, and most importantly I kept on freaking out because I thought "I know I've been bad to my parents but please dont strike our house down!" Its that bad...

Well do you think its treatable at all? and im really curious, are you on meds at all? and are they helping? I really hope so because I dont want this to go on till I die. I've read that hair pulling and teeth grinding are common in severe OCD and by me its the hair pulling thats bad. It just feels good when I run my fingers through my hair and feel it plucking off and I sometimes even brush it with my hands or play around with it just because I want to. Its gotten a problem because since I have longish blonde hair (to my ears), its VERY noticable on the floor so when my mom sees it she'd be like "why is there hair on the floor! wait, I dont even want to know, just clean it up OK!?"

Do you have any of those symptoms? hair pulling and stuff like that?

on the 17th this month im flying to germany to see relatives and I want it to be a great experience and I want to have a good break away from everything so I thought of visiting a psychiatrist so I can get some meds to try to fix me up (I dont even know if OCD is treatable! what if mine is not caused by that serotonin but because I was born with it!? just thinking that removes all hope.) Anyways, I have Xanax but Im too scared to take it because I keep thinking it might slow my heart down too much since It IS a muscle relaxer. I remember my normal doc gave me tripple the dose I was supposed to get and when we wanted a refill he was like "Who gave you such a high dose!?" and of course I told him that he was the one but he diddnt respond and just gave me a much much lower dose. I dont even trust anyone anymore. I just want medication that doesnt mess with my heart or anything vital.

I dont know what else to put in...I thought of alot more things but I forgot them, ill just post them some other time. good luck with your exams and stuff and I wish you the best! oh and w/b when you can.

PS: I forgot something, you said that our brains are overactive (OCDers) when even at rest, I notice that im very compulsive when im resting too but are you also reffering it to sleeping? I can get many weird random dreams at night and they can cause alot of depression too! I'll tell you what happened about...a month ago? or more I think...I had a dream about a certain person that works with me. they really liked me and we had a great time together and they really liked me. You know how dreams feel SO real? well have you had a Love dream before? thats what I had at that time, the warmth I felt in that dream and the love too made me fall in love with that person badly! I almost wanted to cry when I woke up and realized it wasnt true I was so dissapointed, I would then constantly try to look my best and even think of ways I can gain attention at work for them and It cause so much depression seeing them everyday, and knowing that they dont even feel anything for you...thats what my dreams do to me when they are like that. Im over it though...it took more than a month thought because I kept on dreaming about it even more. I had dreams that they diddnt want me anymore and that I begged them in from of their mansion while they are ignoring me completely. Just plain crazy. tell me what you think about dreams and OCD, if they have anything to do together because its clear that I was totally obsessed with that person!

 
Old 01-22-2006, 11:03 AM   #6
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

the two of you are just like male versions of me.... its uncanny!!!!!!!!!!! On thurs i skipped an appointment with the psychiatric nurse that ive waited for ages to get.... cos i didnt know where to start. Iv read so many posts that i can relate to parts of but dont know what to do with the info. Iv always had this "thing" that i call my counts.... i count up to 8 all the time. i cant sit still and either tap against my teeth up to 8 or tap my foot in certain patterns. When im in the car i count each lamppost we drive past up to 8 then start again. Dya ever watch ally mcbeal?? I laughed so much at her "theme song"... i hear songs and bits from films over in my head too. But not just thinking about the things- its like ive got an exact copy of the thing on a cd in my mind and i hear it exactly how it is. If some1 speaks to me or interupts me then i have to start again. Im also a tooth grinder.... i never considered the possibility of them being connected. I never thought about OCD cos i had only heard of the handwashing, door checking etc. I live in scotland and these things arent so widely talked about.
Even silly things, like last year i became veggi cos i became obsessed with everythin i ate. I would gag at the thought of certain things for no real reason. I cut myself cos i need the control it gives me, and iv just assumed that controlling my food is on the same level, but its not a conscious thing- i just physically cannot put meat in my mouth. Maybe not connected but feel like it to me.
im so sorry for jumping in the middle of ur thing, i just couldnt believe when i read ur posts. Ive decided to print out all my posts and show them to the psych nurse.... i dont know what to say but all my thoughts since october are here so i guess this is a good way to start.

Like i said, iv jumped in, but u guys have really helped my like u wouldnt imagine!!
xxx

 
Old 01-22-2006, 11:24 AM   #7
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

Actually, I'm female! lol! But, yeah, what you said about having the exact copy of a song stuck in your head, hearing the exact rhythms and orchestrations- that's me. I also have this weird talent where I can not only hear the songs/movie quotes perfectly, but bend my voice to mimic/repeat them down to the tiniest little nuances of emphasis. Very strange, but I think this ability is more related to my Asperger's than my OCD. The OCD comes into play because I have to do it "perfectly" or I have to start over, and I can't quit until I do it right...
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Old 01-22-2006, 11:31 AM   #8
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

oops........... im so sorry!!! i didnt even look!! lol
Sorry

 
Old 01-22-2006, 04:38 PM   #9
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

Don't worry about it! lol! It gave me a laugh! Struggling today from intrusive thoughts and songs stuck in my head...
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:35 PM   #10
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

just had a wee look at DarkChange's first post and he said he's male... guess thats where i got my idea
Do u have comforting thoughts or songs that come up a lot? Like faves?

 
Old 01-23-2006, 03:12 AM   #11
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

None of my thoughts are comforting! lol! They only cause me torment...No, I have comforting movie quotes, but not songs. My songs change day-to-day, and if I'm having a lot of songs stuck in my head, hour-to-hour. It usually increases right after I buy a new CD, but I get at least one song in my head daily. The only time it interferes is when I have to read for school. I'm one of those people that needs complete silence to read or complete, jumbled noise (like in a crowded auditorium where it's just a mesh of voices and sounds), and I also keep re-reading over and over to make sure I understand something (also OCD), so when the two combine, it takes me hours to just read ten pages of new material. I had to read 30 pages in my history book last night, a subject I love (it's my minor), and it took me around 5-6 hours... But as far as the quotes, my favs from "Aviator" and "A Beautiful Mind" usually win, most likely because those movies are the only ones that I relate to with the whole mental illness/isolation issues.
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Old 01-23-2006, 10:13 AM   #12
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Re: It seems like I have OCD but this could be something FAR more complicating.

I have schizophrenia, not ocd and so it's not totally the same but I completely understand some of what you're saying. And I'd like to relate, if you don't mind.

First of all, I have severe social... well idiocy is the only way to explain it. (This is why I love message boards. Talking in installments I have time to think, to reflect, to change what I've said. No one interrupts me, no one ignores me. My words are the same as everyone else's, in a way.) I will cross the street if I see someone I know coming the other way because I'm so terrified of talking to them and dealing with that kind of situation. I don't like to go out or hang out with friends because its' like they all speak a language I can't understand. like there's some inate, personal THING that makes human interaction GO, so to speak, that I'm severely lacking. LIke there's a big glass wall between me and the rest of the world. But it's not lonely, as you'd think. I'm very happy looking in at others. I just wish people wouldn't make fun of me or be afraid of me when I DO try to reach out. I'm a gentle caring human soul, I think

Disorganization is the bane of my personal life. My memory has suffered since I became ill. I actually have/had a very powerful memory and when it started to fail me, it was really scary and humilliating. I have enough trouble organizing my thinking... forget my home and time!!

You know what's funny? I don't think we're talking the same thing but when you say you write movies in your head and they have to always be the same... well I make montages in my head to music! this is one of my favourite personal creative passtimes. I could listen to music forever and make montages to go with it. And once I have a song on the go, the montage always stays the same, I just improve on it in ways I think would be good. But ths isn't a problem for me... it's fun! Maybe you could look at it like that! This could wind up being a career path for you!!! If you can look at it in a positive way.. you sound like a really creative person and you could use this perfectionsim and creativity to work to your advantage. Maybe? This is being rather presumptuous but just a humble suggestion

As far as your not wanting to do homework.. like you want to try but there is this barrier.. Could it be possible that you're afraid to try because you're afraid to fail? I understand this a little. Right now I have a book ready to send off. And I've been procrastinating and putting it off and making excuses. And when we sat down and really thought about it, we realized that I just couldn't deal with the rejection if I try. I've already published but they were jsut poems. NOt a whole book. If I don't send it, no one ever has to know that I had the "audacity" to try and I have nothing to lose. I'm not worse off than I am now because I've lost nothing. If I send it and don't succeed. I've lost everything. As long as I don't try anything, I'll never be worse than I am at this moment and it feels safe to stay where I am, rather than try to go out on a limb and have it break from under me. This is how I feel. This is why I don't always try.

But is all that really true? If I don't send it, in fact, I've lost more than I'd ever know. I'll never have that chance again and life is only so long. Go out on a limb! That's where all the fruit grows.

But these are just some things that you said that spoke to me.

peace
pea

 
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