It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Mental Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-28-2006, 08:23 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 6
Leanne_123 HB User
friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

I am beginning to suspect my closest friend of being a pathological liar. He's told me so many unbelievable stories in the past and whilst friends pointed out they were probably lies, I denied this and kept my niggling doubts to myself. His lies have had a huge impact on my life and as a result I often suffer from stress. For example, a year ago, he told me he had cancer and a few weeks later that he had given up treatment as it had spread. At the time I had no reason to doubt him. Each week he would disapear off supposedly to chemotherapy and come back and sleep all afternoon. It seemed fairly realistic. However, none of the other signs were there. he never lost his hair or looked ill and since 'giving up chemo' he has appeared the picture of health. And once when he told me he had been in hospital for a week i found out he was actually at his visiting his girlfriend for the week. He had told me he'd split up with her several months before! The latest addition to this story is that he needs a new liver. Back when i believed his story I thought long and hard and offered to donate him part of mine. He refused and since then there has been no mention of liver transplants. I think he panicked and has decided to drop this story! hes also told me he plays for a professional rugby team (despite being ill! And despite us never being allowed to see him play.) He told me his parents are dead and he has been left to run the family businesses and that he inherited their millions. He usually seems so believable and he goes to great lengths to show proof for his stories but they still dont add up! Im really scared to confront him as i dont want to lose his friendship! This is a specially delicate issue as we are moving in together in a few months time with our other friends. I want to get him help but I dont know how! Especially as I dont have proof that he is lying (though it seems very likely!) I would appreciate advice form anyone who has been in a similar position or who has some ideas as to how i can help my friend as Im getting so worried about him! I find that most of the advice I get from my friends is biased. They just get exasperated with him and accuse him of being selfish where as Im convinced there has to be a medical or psychological issue behind all of this. Please help if you can!!! Thank you

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-29-2006, 01:31 PM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Dover Tennessee
Posts: 610
emeraldeyes114 HB User
Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

I feel for you and the situation you are currently in. I too have known someone who was a pathological liar and it hurt to know or to just suspect what he said might be a lie. With my husband he grew up with a family of many brothers and sisters and often went unheard. He believed his lies and that made it harder to deal with. I would confront him and often he would continue to lie even the truth was out of the bag so to speak. I really think that there are issues of why people lie in such ways. Perhaps their childhood was not that ideal and they want to be thought of in good terms. Somehow it seems almost impossible for them to quit the lie when they live it. The lies ended up destroying a marriage and we have since separated. I wish I could offer some valuable words of wisdom but you are on a path that is not heavily treaded by many. If you confront them it might turn out badly simply because they may feel that all they have are the lies. Perhaps letting them know you care and that you are there for them might be enough and what you suspect. Be honest, open, and supportive as much as you can. I have a feeling that there is more going with your friend then even you might be aware of and perhaps they are afraid of going for help or don't realize what they are doing to those they care so much about them. It is a hard call and I wish you the best of luck. Let me know how it goes. Emerald

 
Old 01-29-2006, 02:48 PM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 6
Leanne_123 HB User
Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

Thanks so much for your reply emerald! It means a lot to know that other people have had similar experiences. Last night I broched the subject with him. We didn't get hugely far with it and both ended up very emotional! He admitted the smaller lies that I had proof for and was very apologetic but mainly I think because he thought he was losing me. I suggested that maybe he had lied to me about other bigger things (though didn't specify which) and it would be better to get it off his chest and to trust me. He promised me he hadn't lied about other things but then he got really upset. When I tried to explain that I was asking out of concern not to be accusing or bitchy like other people have been in the past about his lies but he said he couldnt see the difference. It was so frustrating as i feel until I get him to admit there is a problem, i cannot help him to get help. i'm thinking of getting some professional advice soon as everyone else is giving up on him and i feel it is now my responsibility to get him better!

 
Old 02-01-2006, 05:14 PM   #4
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: nowHere
Posts: 92
i-be-peabody HB User
Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

I have a friend who does this too. And she's someone who is special to me so of course it makes it difficult to broach the subject with her. I think you're brave for bringing it up with your friend. My friend has so many other problems (anger, self-centeredness and self esteem issues, OCD, that kind of thing) that it's hard to bring this up with her and not have her get angry. She gets so angry so easily and has been known to hit people if they upset her (she's done this to me and other friends of ours) She's also a screamer. So I don't bring it up but it can get kind of difficult at times. I just responded to another post about this very subject and I'd like to know more about it myself so I can know the best way to bring it up with my friend. (She's in my upcoming wedding this summer too) She's also really, REALLY, REALLY sensitive.

Since I have my own issues with mental health, I really want to be gentle bringing it up. I know what it feels like to think people are against you (though our reasons might be a bit different) I love her and want to help, she just has to be readyto accept it.

peace
pea

 
Old 02-02-2006, 10:01 AM   #5
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 6
Leanne_123 HB User
Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

Thanx for your post pea! I am sorry to hear you are suffering the same problem as myself. I know only too well how hard it is to cope with and the decision as to whether to speak out or not is a very difficult one to take. It took me months and months to make it and even then I only took tiny footsteps towards sorting the problem. My fear was also about his reaction. When people have said things to upset him in the past, he either shuts them out and closes off to them completely or he can be fairly volatile and can say hurtful things. I think its a protection thing. he's never violent though. The only person hes not as defensive with is me. Hes always very gentle with me and is more likely to get upset rather than angry. We both have strong feelings for eachother so maybe that is why he treats me so differently. But it was still a risk and im glad i made the decision to say something as even though i dont feel any progress has been made, I feel as though I am doing something to help. Its so frustrating to sit and watch helplessly as i did for so long. So I would encourage you to talk to your friend eventually.

As for understanding compulsive liars, its a very grey area. I had a row with another friend about this only earlier today. He is worried about me as I am in so deep with my friend and he himself has written my friend off as a selfish liar who hurts everyone he cares about. It was so hard hearing these things said about someone who I care so much about but having talked to other people who knows someone with this disorder, its so important that we stand by our friends and try to understand them and not take what they say an do personally. Easier said than done ofcourse! From what Ive discovered during my research, pathological liars may have a chemical imbalance in their brain which can probably be corrected with drugs or they are reacting to a troubled childhood, low self esteem etc. Thearpy is often effective for this. They need help not criticism thought this is hard when the person hurts you over and over! They also very often believe their stories completely and are very defensive when asked about it so if you talk to your friend, be prepared its very unlikely she'll admit it straight away.

so my advice is talk to your friend but do it very sensitively. Wait until you have some sort of proof about a variety of lies so they cant just deny it. Explain you dont judge them but you worry and that its no reflection on who they are. Dont expect miracles straight away. keep at it and maybe offer advice about getting professional help. Im intending on visiting my GP to find out what help is available so when my friend eventually admits the problem, I will be armed with information for him. Be patient and good luck. Keep me updated.

lea

 
Old 02-08-2006, 11:26 AM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 6
Leanne_123 HB User
Question Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

hey, its me again. Ive recently had a rather upsetting conversation with my dad about my friend. he told me no matter what i do, i will not be able to help my friend as he is beyond help. he said i should get out whilst i can and look out for myself before I get dragged down by him. I was really upset that he thought this but at the same time I can see his point since all my friend ever does these days is give me grief. He's recently done some stuff which is unrelated but has hurt me a lot and our friendship is on the rocks now. Obviously i def cannot help him when we are not close and spend more time avoiding eachother than seeing eachother but i dont know if I can forgive him for what he has done. In some ways, its tempting to take my dads advice and cut ties but I get so sad at the thought of not having him in my life. I am so attached to him. has anyone any thoughts on this issue? Is it worth salvaging my friendship with someone who hurts me time and time again?

 
Old 02-14-2006, 11:37 AM   #7
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 7
Twisted Blue J HB User
Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leanne_123
hey, its me again. Ive recently had a rather upsetting conversation with my dad about my friend. he told me no matter what i do, i will not be able to help my friend as he is beyond help. he said i should get out whilst i can and look out for myself before I get dragged down by him. I was really upset that he thought this but at the same time I can see his point since all my friend ever does these days is give me grief. He's recently done some stuff which is unrelated but has hurt me a lot and our friendship is on the rocks now. Obviously i def cannot help him when we are not close and spend more time avoiding eachother than seeing eachother but i dont know if I can forgive him for what he has done. In some ways, its tempting to take my dads advice and cut ties but I get so sad at the thought of not having him in my life. I am so attached to him. has anyone any thoughts on this issue? Is it worth salvaging my friendship with someone who hurts me time and time again?
I'm not expert, but I think here is what you have to consider. You can't change him. He is hurting you more often than not. A toxic sort of relationship. If he is causing you more pain than good, then it is healthiest for both of you to break it off. Maybe let him know he should try to get some help for himself and just let the friendship go. It can be very difficult, but it doesn't make you a bad person or friend if you remove yourself from a harmful person and relationship. If someone makes you feel bad so much, then you will feel better not having that person in your life in the long run. It will be hard at first and you can cry and use support from friends and family, but I promise over time you'll see you made the right decisions. But don't take my judgement as your own. I say just look at what good he does in your life compared to what bad. More bad? Then really, why put up with it if it's only hurting you and not helping his problem either. Just my two cents. Good luck.

 
Old 02-21-2006, 03:34 PM   #8
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 6
Leanne_123 HB User
Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

This is prob the last time i will post anything on here cos I guess my story has come to an end. Me and my friend had a talk today. We were both hoping to sort things out but it soon became clear there was no trust and without trust, what is any relationship? I told him I thought he lied and even broached the fact id been given proof his parents were alive and that he was not ill. He gave me some proof of his own but although im confused and worried i got him wrong, I am fully aware that our friendship has fallen apart. I had naively hoped he would admit his problems, get help then we'd live happily ever after. It doesnt work like that. I feel like ive lost my right arm. i feel as though ive let my closest friend down. But i also felt I had no choice. He saw that too, in fact it was him who 1st said it and in the end we left on good terms. Id been avoiding the issue as long as i could. Its over for us but i still wish I could have helped him so for anyone reading this whos in a similar situation, dont take my word for it. follow your own hearts and do what you think is best. Things broke down in my relationship but if I could do things again i would do them differently. But now Im just trying to focus on life without my soulmate. Thank you for all the advice some of you have given me. Its helped just to know there are people out there who understand. thanx again, lea x

 
Old 02-21-2006, 03:40 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,417
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

I'm sorry for your pain, but you didn't really lose anything but an illusion.
It's time to pick yourself up and move on and don't give it any more thought.

 
Old 05-17-2006, 09:21 PM   #10
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 1
4daLoveofSis HB User
Unhappy Re: friend suspected of being a pathological liar! Help please!!!

Hi everyone. I have a younger sister who is a pathological liar. It seems like it started when she was in her early teens and since then it has grown out of control. She doesnt care if people call her a liar, she just becomes very loud and angry and will stick to her story until the end. I became worried when I returned home from bootcamp and my mother told me all that had went on during the first year that I was home. I wanted to cry for my sister becase I didnt understand why se was telling such lies. Apparently, my sister was lying to her ex-boyfriend telling him that she had a child for him and would cuss him out because he wouldnt give her any money for a child that she imagined having and he could never see. She even went as far as calling his parents at work to tell them that she had a child for this guy and he was not helping her take care of the baby. My mother found out about all of this one day when she was on the city bus and she ran in to my sisters ex boyfriend. My Mom said that he had been trying to reach her but my sister always said that she wasnt at home. He went on to asking my mother if my sister had a baby. My mother replied NO. She doesnt have any children. He told my mother that my sister had been calling him harrassing him about coming over to see his child, but whenever he went over she lied about the baby being with someone else for the night. He told my mom that my sister was calling his parents telling them that they have a child together. My Mom said she just put her head down, not knowing what to say. She finally, told the boy that he needed to cut my sister off because she has a problem and she was obviously telling these lies to keep him around. The boy was so hurt because he was giving her money and he was highly concerned about a child that my sister made up in her mind. She was using my babies toys and clothes to make her storie seem real but could never produce a physical child. Another one of her lies is the straw that broke the camels back. My sister called me and told me that she wanted to join the military like me and that she was tired of working these dead end jobs. I explained to her what she needed to do and I told her I would help her. I jumped on a plane that weekend so that I can go with her to the recruiters office to make sure she knew what se was getting in to. After talking with the recruiter, he said that she needed to brush up on her math and he said that he would help her so that she can obtain a good score on the ASVAB. Three weeks had went by and the recruiter was visiting my sister at home to help her wth her algebra and give her a pre-test to see where she stood academically. One day I was talking with my Mom and I said Ma, did sis graduate from Highschool? My mother said she told me she had graduated but didnt want to go to her graduation, so they were going to mail her diploma. I said, Ma has sis ever shown you her diploma? She said No, she keeps telling me it must have been lost in the mail. Right away I called the recruiter and I told him to get my sisters transcript to make sure that she graduated. He called me yesterday and told me that she never graduated, se was 10 credits shy. I was ******. I apologized to him for my sister waisting his time. She waisted my time, and the recruiter's. I have not confronted her yet because due to the privacy act, he wasnt supposed to tell me. But I explained to him that I think my sister is mentally ill and this would prove that she is indeed a Compulsive liar. I'm afraid for my sister. She has lost friends and family because of her lying and I dont know what to do. Oh to top it off her father did the same thing. He took my mother through so much with all of his lying, for no reason. You dont even have to ask this man about anything, he would ust strike up a conversation full of lies to gain anyone's attention. Thank God my Mother rid herself of him a long time ago. But' now my little sister who is 23 is following in his footsteps. No matter how many lies you confront her abot she will deny it to the end. What should I do. I lve my sister and I dont want to see her get her for telling a lie to someone.

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:30 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!