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Old 06-10-2006, 06:22 PM   #1
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Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

First before I go any further if your sensitive to these matters for any reason please beware this might not be good for you to read. Nothing will be graphic or anything but just be aware this "might" be hard to read.

My nephew Chris has told me this afternoon all that was done to him and I'm just shocked that "anyone" could do something like this. I was also suprised he did tell me today as he tried this morning before getting sick. This was very hard for him so I feel required to make sure I handle this correctly. He sucked it up throwing up trying to tell me everything and I'm very proud of him for gathering that strength and yes I told him that. Also he is almost 8 years old now and he was abused when he was 6 years old.

He was abused by another older little league player at the baseball park near his old home. He was always in walking distance to the park by the way. Chris said he got him to go to the park by showing him baseball cards for the first few months. Chris told me that he took him into one of the storage rooms to show him a few more baseball card collections stored in their and when he went in the storage shed he forced him down and put tape on his mouth and tied him up. Chris over the next hour or so told me everything he did to him and I won't say everything on here but he did everything you can imagine to him. Chris told me he left to see him after lunch (around noon) and when he let him go it was nightfall and in the summer it doesn't get dark until around 8pm. He doesn't know what time it really was just that it was dark. This boy drove him home and my brother told him thanks for taking him to the park and to his friends house. This sick boy actually told Chris's parents he was taking him to the park and his friends house and would pick him up and bring him home. Chris told me he told him he would kill his parents if he told anyone so its no wonder he held this inside for so long.

My problem is I don't know who this kid is as I can't ask Chris's parents as they are dead now. Chris did tell me he knows what team and number he played on and his first name so that is the only thing I can go on now. But now remains the other problem which is the fact that without evidence they won't take the word of a screwed up kid who just lost his parents and so on and so forth. I am going to at least call the little league department and tell them the year, team, number and name of this player and inform them of what happened. I will make sure to tell them I understand he can't prove it but I know without a doubt it happened and they need to at least be aware of this. They might be able to find out if other kids are spending alot more time with him.

Also right now I'm just trying to think about how to help him but I just have no clue what todo next. I don't know what to say to him or what todo for him. I'm just very helpless and clueless and nothing ever before has been this way. Even if I didn't know what todo I at least knew where to look to start and figure it out but not this time. My other problem is that I have no idea exactly how old this kid is. I asked Chris if he could tell me who in our area looks close to him in age. I gave an example of a younger high school kid he knew, an older one and a middle school kid in 7th grade. He told me he looked more like the 7th grade kid. So that is what confuses me is that Chris is telling me he looks like a 12-14 year old which is making it hard for me to believe. I even went as far as to ask Chris how much taller he was compared to him and Chris said he was only a little bit taller than him. I even asked Chris to tell me if he had a lot of hair in his privates and he said he had just a little more than he does now. I know these aren't the best questions to ask him but I had to ask them to find out how old this kid is. Chris has a very little bit of hair so this other kid having just a little bit more makes it even more likely he was just 12-14 years old.

Oh and just to make sure you all know when I say this kid drove him home it was with an ATV not a car. So as of now I'm just trying to process all of this information and hope I can figure out what todo next.

 
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Old 06-10-2006, 07:41 PM   #2
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Dear Mark

WHy did he tell you all this? I mean what was the reason he told you now? Did something set him off? YOu mentioned that he got sick....sounds like he may have PTSD. Does he even want to talk to anyone else. I note that you are a man, and you tend to want to focus on the abuser and bringing him to justice, and protecting other children from him... THat is great, but the steady focus should be your nephew.
Do you feel like this has effected his schooling, attitude, friendships? So much to find out about what effects this may have now. Don't push him...he may close up all together. If you make too much ruckus with this he may have detrimantal reactions... Slow and easy.

 
Old 06-10-2006, 08:15 PM   #3
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

I'm not exactly sure why he told me all of this but he did. His doctor and I asked him about a drawing he made and we both asked if anyone did anything to you that you felt was wrong and he went all nuts throwing stuff around the docs office. I later told him nothing he said to me would upset me or gross me out and when he was ready to talk he can talk to me or anyone else he wants.

Also he is suffering from PTSD but for an entire different reason and yes while I am concerned about protecting other children from him my main and total focus has been on Chris and only Chris. I hate to just direct people to read but this is too complex to try and explain all of this as we go so I suggest you search my username and read the threads I started that covers all that is going on so you can better understand all of this.

Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 07:40 AM. Reason: If you are clearly responding to the last poster, quoting the post is not needed.

 
Old 06-10-2006, 08:22 PM   #4
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Good idea..Thanks I will do that.

 
Old 06-10-2006, 10:13 PM   #5
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Mark,

I am glad you suggested that I read previous posts....What this child has been through really puts to the test "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" Is it safe to assume that he is still in counseling? I wonder if he has told his counselor any of this. I think it is important to his treatment that this be known if he is seeing a counselor.
I am only identifying because I too was sexualy abused as a child from the age of 5-13. Looking back at my childhood, I see the outward behaviors that manifested themselves, and as a teen. I do know that it has and always will have an effect on my life. How could it not.
As for your young man, I would wonder if he simply shuts down..emotionaly. I truly am not sure what my response would be except to reassure him that none of it is his fault. Children tend to internalize these things and blame themselves.Make sure he understands that you are glad he told you about this because it helps you understand him better.
Shame will most likely be a big part of this, and may be a big part of the suicidal issues.
I hope your mom is recovering well. God Bless you, as you are a savior for this boy.

 
Old 06-10-2006, 11:04 PM   #6
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Yes he is seeing a doctor or several doctors that are helping him with these issues. It was his doctor that told me about the drawing he felt was related to sexual abuse. I've called the doctor today and she has setup a 4 hour appointment for the both of us to talk about the abuse. Most of the time will be spent with the doctor talking just with me getting all the information. After she will start working with Chris both with and without me in the room.

I have told him many times while he was telling me what happened that he did nothing wrong. He is having severe problems with shame because he told me lots of it felt good. Can you imagine a child being tied up, raped against his will while at the sametime not understand why some things feel good. I'm sure you know what these things are even being a female but this will be very hard for him to understand. I told him the good feeling he had isn't wrong at all and natural but what is wrong is what this person did not what your feeling. I also told him your body only understands what it feels and doesn't understand who or what is doing the touching. Trust me he fully understood what I was saying because he finished by telling me the quote "so I guess I can't choose what I feel in that area" and I said right away yes that is correct.

I felt I had to address that specific issue right away but make sure I was very carefull in how I explained it all. I felt by waiting he might feel I had no good answer and that it was wrong to feel that way but I didn't want to tell him that. You know what I mean by all of this.

I did tell him I was very happy and glad that he told me what happened and I also told him that nobody should have to figure this all out on his own either. I told him that it will be hard talking about it but I will help him every bit of the way. I also told him that if he thinks or feels anything he doesn't think he should think or feel or if he doesn't understand it he should ask me so I can answer it. I also told him that he might ask me questions I don't know the answer to but I will do everything I can to find out the answer.

The problem now is that he is now having nightmares that are waking him up several times a night. He woke up about 9pm last night so I let him sleep in my room so I used the computer and watched some TV until he woke up again about midnight again. Right now he is watching TV as I type this now because he just can't fall asleep again. He is looking tired again trying to keep himself awake so I'm hoping by 3am he will fall asleep again so I can get a couple hours sleep.

I will say that he is very close to his breaking point. I'm amazed he was able to handle as much as he has so far but at somepoint it will become too much for him. I'm hoping this will be the last of the issues popping up and he can start to heal with all issues out in the open ready to work on. Right now he is very fragile and extremely sensitive and as a result he can go from crying to extremely angry at a moments notice without warning.

Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 07:40 AM. Reason: If you are clearly responding to the last poster, quoting the post is not needed.

 
Old 06-10-2006, 11:46 PM   #7
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

I can not imagine you feeligns of helplessness.. Watching him fall apart before your eyes and not know what to do for him. Frankly I am not sure anyone can know for sure what he needs. Something he IS getting from you is that he must be beginning to feel safe with you. If there is one very important thing in a childs life, it feeling safe. VERY evident that he wants to sleep in your room, he feels as though you can protect him.
Also I wonder if you are able to have any real fun time with him.....like all parents, I am sure you try, but it is difficult when you are raising kids alone let alone kids that have been through seriously difficult things....Did he talk to you about his suicide attempt? I wonder if he could identify the reason or reasons he though that would be a solution.
I am not sure there is anything more you can do. It sounds like you have it covered at home and any outside intervention he might need. Just dont let him see you overwhelmed...
Again...is your mom able to offer any assistance with him?

 
Old 06-11-2006, 12:45 AM   #8
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Dear Mark,

I am so proud of you both! I will tell you from experience, I was molested at 5, 15 and assaulted by a massage therapist at 23....the last was the worst because it dredged up feelings I can't even describe. I couldn't function for a week, I did nothing but bawl and puke. It was awful. Almost a year later, I finally faced the perpatrator and had it been much sooner, I wouldn't have been able to hold up to what that creeps attorney did to me on the stand. It was awful...but I won and it gave me some closure.

That's when I found the therapist I had told you about that specializes in traumatized children.

And one thing he explained to me is the confusion the kids feel, even adults because some of it does feel good...it's not because they secretly wanted it but because it involved acts that are meant to feel good...granted, when done willingly....so just because something felt good, doesn't mean he asked for it or should carry any shame in it.

He was not old enough to know and he was definitely not strong enough to fight back. Many males hold a different type of stigma to this...either they're gay, wanted it or shouldn't have been a 'sissy' and LET it happen to them.

For girls, no matter how traumatic, it's still more acceptable for us 'fragile' little things to talk about it, but boys, it's seem are supposed to come out swinging no matter what.

I would ask Chris how he wants you to proceed. He may want to confront his attacker at some point in time...he may want to be face to face or in a letter. I am impressed with his being able to say how this happened, because what happened to him is above and beyond what most deal with in molestation/rape...to be tied up and have this done over such a long period is awful.

It may also make him feel responsible on some level for his parents death. By that I mean, they were threatened and now they're dead, maybe he did something wrong that lead to their dying...does that make sense? It doesn't logically, but from a kid's viewpoint, it sure does.

The throwing up may happen for awhile. I threw up every time certain shows came on or songs, because it took me back to that place and it was awful.

Since Chris likes to draw, I would buy him an art set of his very own and encourage him to draw or write what he's feeling and let him know that he doesn't have to share it with you if he doesn't want to.

Also, let him know you will help him set boundaries and give options should he ever be exposed to danger like that again. Because a child like him is likely to become a victim again...predators can sense it and pick up on it easily.

The positive side to this is that your influence will greatly effect how he is seen by predators. Kids with strong bonds and trust like you two have are less likely to be sought out because the odds are, they will be exposed. So keep it up, you are changing his life and I know he's going to be fine. This is just one other thing to get through and you are doing great.

Again, don't second guess yourself...I am not easily impressed, and you have impressed me! LOL

He may want to keep talking or he may just want to get on with things since it's finally out in the open. I suspect you will see a softer boy in front of you now that the horrendous secret isn't his alone.
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Old 06-11-2006, 01:13 AM   #9
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

I know he feels safe with me as I think I'm one of the few uncles that spent just as much time with him as his parents did. His parents spent lots of time with him so that is saying something. I never understood why but I always felt very close to him ever since he was born almost fatherlike but I never really felt I was his father either. Its hard to explain even to this day but I always felt that even wanting my life to be for the most part alone and in control I knew I had to be a big part of his life. I'm not that big of a believer in fate (I always believe its the choices we make in life that decide where we go and nothing is set in stone ahead of time) but I'm not so sure if I believe that anymore. I still don't think everything is set in stone but I do believe our path in life is set in stone but we can choice what we do within that path if you will. I think I spent so much time with him simply because I spent so much time with my brother but I'm sure glad I followed that urge.

This hasn't been that great of a period for fun and I'm hoping soon he will ask todo something fun. He knows he can ask todo almost anything but he never wants to not even swaying him into it will work. He is very closed off from everyone except me and a couple others like his docs. I also did talk to him about his suicide attempt but all he would say is when he did it he just didn't care anymore. That was the best way he could explain how he felt. My mother really can't help now and I haven't told her yet about this as she also is very fragile and she needs time before she can handle this. Don't worry I will be telling her and she will be very supportive but she is very very fragile right now even more so than Chris is if you can imagine that. Think about it she lost her husband since 18 years old along with her oldest son.

Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 07:41 AM. Reason: When replying to a post it's not always necessary to reply with a quote.

 
Old 06-11-2006, 01:35 AM   #10
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

The feeling good part is his biggest problem right now and I'm still not sure if he really believes me on that yet. He trusts me yes but its still hard for him to accept he couldn't control those feelings. Many people do have in their mind that boys should fight back and even more so when its against a little bit older boy who isn't that much bigger. But I'd ask them if they could stop a person who you think 100% a good friend when jump on you from behind and lay on you as he ties you hands and feet up. Sorry but it ain't gonna happen and until people in general understand how these things happen they shouldn't make judgements. I'm not saying you or anyone else on these boards said this but just saying in general.

It was very hard for him to say what happened and I ended up letting him finish telling me in the bathroom. I was amazed that he did tell me all he did but he sure did spill his guts and that isn't a saying either because he did. He did tell me he doesn't feel at fault for his parents deaths and that is one of the few things he did say. He understands it was a drunk driver and would have happened no matter what and that is about the only thing he fully believes today.

Yup the throwing up is a big problem for him lately. He did get to sleep around 2:45am but woke up a little before 4am. I knew he was going to wake up as about 15 minutes before he started to roll, turn and mumble. When he woke up he yelled for me and threw up all over the floor and cried for the next ten minutes or so. I'm just posting on here as I just cannot sleep and I will need to see his docs and find some meds to help him sleep without dreams because this is becoming 4 dreams each night and to be honest I might start puking if I have to clean it up again.

He does have a drawing set which the docs gave him to bring home. They give all the kids both drawing sets and notepads to write in. He isn't doing much drawing but he has been writing lots but I told him I wouldn't read it and I haven't. He will let me read them when he is ready but I think its important he can trust me.

I will help him with the outside world but one thing at a time for now. I must help him enough to want to go outside before we start talking about dealing with the outside world. Oh and he will want to talk about this more trust me on that because you know the signs but right now he has said so many things he is so overwhelmed that he is now shut himself down from all feelings right now. That is also something you notice and see in his eyes. He is just trying to survive right now you know what I mean.

Oh and I still have no clue how I'm supposed to handle all of this....good thing we have doctors that deal with this stuff because you sure need 7 years of training to even start to have a clue how to handle these cases simply because if you don't handle it correctly it can do more damage than doing nothing at all.

Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 07:42 AM. Reason: When replying to a post it's not always necessary to reply with a quote.

 
Old 06-11-2006, 07:45 AM   #11
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Mark, it isn't the doctors who are handling this...believe it or not, it is you. You are the middle man who is making sure this child gets everything he needs. Most people don't do this. I know for a fact. After it all came out, my mom took me to the police station and I had to talk about it a lot there, but after all that, I was never allowed to bring it up again, or she'd get angry.

You have all the training you need in your heart. I do believe, from what you said about how you have felt about him from the start was seriously to prepare you for just what's going on now. Imagine how it would be taking on a child you didn't have such a bond with? I do believe in fate, as well as choices. I believe we are destined to go through certain things, but it is up to us how we deal with it and what we choose to take from it.

I understand about the puke thing! LOL My suggestion, keep a pot/pan (my 4 yr old throws up regularly due to some health issues, so I keep giant ziploc baggies in my truck, purse, everywhere....he pukes in it, zip it up, throw it out and I'm on my marry way) near by so he doesn't hurl on the floor or bed. Just let him know ahead of time that you have them in places so if he wakes up and needs to throw up, he can get to them instead. It will help a lot.

Ginger helps with nausea, but I don't know if it will help him, just because of the reasons he's throwing up. Altoids mints, chamomille and peppermint also help.

I agree with your thinking on pushing off a friend. It's a relationship you're supposed to be able to trust. I was in the same spot with the massage therapist. As he didn't use force, he manipulated me, our 'friendship' and his position to hurt me. It caused me so much pain because people would ask if he hit me, subdued me in some other way, etc. The honest answer was no. He exploited his position of 'authority' and his job to hurt me...it was the most damaging thing to me...because he was up there with other professionals that you seek out to help you....and all he did was help himself. It's horrible.

As for having no clue how to handle this...let me just say, that for a clueless man, you are doing better than someone with years of training just for this, would do. I don't know how to tell you to handle it...the short answer is you just do and that's what you're doing now and doing fantastic at it.

God bless you and Chris and I'll check back soon.

Angel
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Old 06-11-2006, 08:15 AM   #12
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Thank you for the advice and support. Oh and I do have buckets he can throwup into but for some reason he always wakes up on the wrong side of the bed when he gets sick and I don't have more buckets to put on both sides. I only got one but I will pick up a couple more very soon. Also he doesn't feel like puking all the time its just a sudden onset all at once caused from talking about some of the issues or from nightmares.

On the other topic I will just keep trying and do the best I can and hope it turns out for the best. Also I fully understand your issue with how a person can abuse you with just the power. They don't even have to touch you and that is also something many people don't understand is that a person can be abused and suffer just as much without ever being touched.

Last edited by moderator2; 06-25-2006 at 07:42 AM. Reason: When replying to a post it's not always necessary to reply with a quote.

 
Old 06-11-2006, 08:24 AM   #13
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

I was touched, but it was due to his position that allowed it and created so much doubt in me. I was sure about 90% of what he did, so the other 10% that didn't seem right I let slide because everything else he did had a reason...what an idiot I was. But, on the flip side, I'll never be that dumb again...I hope.

As for the buckets...go to the nearest dollar store. A lot of times they have those little bathroom garbage cans that are the perfect size.

On the puking...I'm almost positive the only warning he gets is a hot feeling in the pit of his stomach, it ties in knots and then be lets loose...it's an awful feeling and although it starts in the pit of your stomach, it reaches all the way to the top of your head, your toes and finger tips...it just radiates out. Sometimes a cool washcloth helps get rid of that feeling. I also always kept sprite on hand because it settled me after my episodes.

For me, it lasted a week straight, but it was immediately following, so I don't know if it will be the same for Chris. I hope his is done soon, it's an awful reminder of things. I also have what I call physical flashbacks...not as much of the episode, but the physical feelings it caused afterwards...the puking, knotted stomach, etc. Sometimes a smell with do it (he burned certain candles and wore certain cologne), certain shows (that I was watching when it started as a child), certain songs, for the same reason...so he may have reactions to things without even realizing it.

I would encourage him to write in his journal about anything that sets him off, it may help identify triggers and possibly learn how to control the reaction to it. Once you've identified something and know the reason why, sometimes it's easier to deal with it.

I wish you both the best of luck, give the little man a hug for me and tell him Angels are watching over him ....angels of all kinds!
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Old 06-11-2006, 08:25 AM   #14
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

Another thought Mark, you are doing great at posting how you're dealing with it, do you have any direct questions you want to ask any of us? If you do, feel free, it may help. As many of us have been in Chris' sneakers.
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Old 06-11-2006, 08:32 AM   #15
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Re: Advice on dealing with sexual abuse of nephew:

I do have a question. How do I go about getting some sleep. When I'm tired I'm always kept awake with Chris and when he is fine and dandy I'm too wired to fall asleep. I've been going on I think almost 30 something hours without a minute of sleep and I'm still wired.

 
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