stevie_23

Hmm, well no, I don't think I have BDD. I'm not overly critical of how I look and in many cases I actually think I look pretty hot, but I sort of do check semi-regularly to see if I still look ok. (cause sometimes I'll leave the house thinking I look great, and then hours later happen to catch myself in a mirror or reflective glass and my hair has moved so it looks stupid, or there's something in my teeth or I have mascara on my nose or something!) But no, I don't always look in mirrors or go out of my way to make sure I look alright.

For me it's not so much that, but more about I have this mental picture of how I look to others and so...it's like, if I'm waiting in line in a store to pay or whatever, I'll be constantly aware of how I'm standing. Usually with hand on hip cause it's more comfortable and I feel SO stupid and uncomfortably nerdy standing with both hands/arms just hanging down by my legs.

Or if I'm with friends even and we're just hanging around talking, I'll be forever aware of how I might be appearing to them, and will always try and do things to make myself look my best, like...subtle (I think!) things like...having my eyes open wide sometimes or looking upward when thinking or talking to make the eyes look nice and big and bright, or smiling a certain way to minimise gum-lines or big teeth etc...or keeping my eyes relaxed so I don't look weird or too staring or whatever..this will always be there, these thoughts, even when I'm talking and listening.

It doesn't stop me doing things I like doing or normal things...like some people don't like to eat in front of others or look "ugly" or embarrassing with others, but I don't mind that...I'll look stupid if it's for a purpose (humour or necessity, etc) and not really care.

But then, also, if I pass a mirror and see I don't look as good as I thought I did when leaving the house, I'll feel very disappointed and uncomfortable. Also, if I'm with my friends and I don't feel like I look attractive for whatever reason (bad hair day, not enough or the right make up, clothes not quite perfect) I feel SO uncomfortable! I just don't enjoy myself and can't relax and I feel somewhat inferior.

Which leads me to my last point. Like, I had a job interview the other day (which I got and start my new job tomorrow, woo hoo! Totally nervous though! *gulp*) and my main concern was not the actual content of the interview (what I'd say or be asked, etc or what would actually happen) but how I looked. It's like, I didn't felt I looked my best so I was slightly uncomfortable the whole time. It's like, if I feel I look really good, I automatically am more confident. I guess this part is normal, but...I just feel I'm more extreme than just that.

And like, tomorrow for my first day, I've got my outfit ready and I'm expecting to look VERY good indeed, which will get me through my nerves. BUT if I don't feel I look good (if my hair just won't work in the morning or my clothes don't fit right), I will feel SO much worse! I'll feel inferior and even more nervous.

It's almost like I hide behind my appearance...like, at least that's something I can control. If I can't control the job interview, or my first day at work, or anything I do beyond my immediate comfort zone of home, at least I can do everything in my power to at least try and look good, you know?

I have actually written a previous post here about OCD, but I don't think I have it or at least not very much anyway. I am a bit of a control freak though. I HATE being uncomfortable and in situations I do not want to do. I go into 100% stubborn and refuse to do it mode. And if I have to do it anyway? I freak out and have a violent tantrum.

Anyway...I have babbled on too long as usual!!