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Old 06-20-2006, 04:21 PM   #1
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Lightbulb What do I have?

im 18 finally and am gona go to the docs. ive bin searching for nearly 4 yrs what cud possibly be wrong and have never found an answer. its beyond hormones now, i am old enough to recognise what is normal and what is abnormal. ive done sum research, im not diagnosing myself but i wana know if ne of u guys have ne suggestions-id like to hear ur stories.

i am and always have been very shy and quiet, im very nervous in social situations, i sumtimes dnt speak cos i know ill say sumthig stupid, if i do i make an *** of myself at times. i do have freinds however-just my wee group.i hate being centre of attention, i shake and get panic attacks if i have to read out in public. i feel extremely detatched from every1, in social conversation sumtimes i find it difficult to respond appropraitly, like i forget social skills, i cant read others right and i assuke they dnt like me, i analyse every little detail of what is said and what may be said, i live in fantasies were im at ease with pple and have invented relationships with them, in conversation sumtimes i think i project the wrong tone and character of myself, i dont know how to regulate myself or how other percieve me therefore i dont understand how to respond to them. its like i have no sense of me on the outside or inside.i am very inconsistant and can jump from topic to topic-sumtimes thru nervousness.

ive always bin rather tantrum prone. to strangers im quiet and afraid, but at home i was a nightare child. i was that child screaming in the supermarket on the floor, kicking my legs and pulling at the shelves, id grab hold of other trolleys, if any1 tried to pick me up id kick and hit them, id scream my lungs out hysterically. if i was locked in the car for being bad in the shop id kick and beat the windows and the backs of seats while they r driviing. i wud thro things at home, not small things(like a play kitchen set or a wendy house),id kick the walls and run at the doors banging off them and screaming, id stamp on the floor up and down screaming, if pple r watching tv id turn it off. when i was told off or shouted at, or smacked id push it further, i am rather stubborn with them and wud carry on,i wud just repeat myself over and over again till i was smacked and sent to my room(were id throw stuff and kick the walls and door-i broke the door once too).i was aged like 3-8 were did all this anger come from? my parents did everything, i cant blame them for being at their wits end, i did deserve what i got obviously, but i remember just having no control over the anger i felt, i genuinley beleived i was rite, i felt hurt and angry at the same time, i was so horrrible the things id scream and do, yet if i was left r in trouble i was deeply hurt-i as soo frustarted. i grew out of this obviously, i still have rages tho. not as much, im known in the house as the snappy one, who will argue. there are tiffs alot but everyso often there is a major blow off were i scream in my parents faces, if they smacked me(which doesnt happen much now cos im too old) i hit them back(i shudnt dot that i know), i go to my room and cry cos im so furious i cant contain it, i cut and bang my head off the wall over and over again-not hard just to focus, i am on the floor again. i cannot calm down but then i realsie im furoius with myself.i get spakred off so easy, i feel it burning inside me but i usually cant hold it in, the only other way is to cut.

my relationships r crap. im 18 and have never had a proper boyfriend-how sad. i cannot be interested(im not gay i just feel nothning), i kiss pple wen im out but thats it. i feel distanced and dont want them near me or in my business. i also feel i am inept to it, i cant form these relationsjips easily, its very stressful and i cant socially manage it.

my past may have sumthign to do with it, i was badly bullied at school for no reason other than i was different cos i was quiet,they chased me with knives, then the teachers were mostly the same-bullies. i cudnt do the work or understand it, i was the youngest in the class and had the worst attention span, i was known as the day dreamer. i was sent to the special class for a while to get extra help but that didnt last long. then wen i was 9/10 a boy of 15 kept taking me off and touching me and getting me to touch him-we were sposed to be playing hide and seek.i think this si the reason i feel angry at boys sumtimes just for beihg boys.

i have hidden depression for 3 years, its cleared now abit-im just always numb now, im generally negetive and nothing seems exiting now everything is dull really, i dnt cut much now, i have also battlled eating problems and almosty commited suicide once but changed my mind when i was looking out the window ledge. i feel i cud never hurt those i love, i wd die for them. i am so afraid of loosing them i worry alot wen theyre not ther, if theyve bin killed. i get intrusive thoughts at times of gory images, and morbid thoughts alot, i used to turn light switches off and plugs and stuff as a child but not noticably much. i twitch a bit also my body parts(looks weird). pleas help i know tis sooo long but im so confused. this has not changed in 4 years, i need an answer. i have cyles sumtimes were my mood is fine, numb then bang a period of deep depression. sumtimes tho just thought the day i get a sudden anger, or depression moves in and i think of suicide, yet other times im so happy. i exercise alot and try to east rite but nothing works. i worry cos i hurt alot around me when im in a mood, but i cant control it, i hate myself and the person at the time but i dont want to be rejected by them-i have a massive fear of rejection/plz help xox

 
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Old 06-20-2006, 11:52 PM   #2
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Re: Cud this be BPD????-long plz help

Hello again!

You do sound somewhat like me at times...though I think you're more disturbed by how you feel than I've ever been. I find my symptoms more interesting than troubling, but that's obviously because they're not very extreme.

I too am sort of strange socially...like...it's sort of related to another thing, I always feel I'm being watched...not in a paranoid way, but like, just that I'm always super aware of how I'm looking and acting, etc...and I feel 100% self conscious all the time. So much so that I never act truly myself...I don't even know who I am. I always sort of adapt what I say and how I act to whoever I'm with. I know everyone does that, but...yeah. I do it to the point where I honestly do not know who I am.

Also, I have certain friends who are my real friends and I'm ok and comfortable around them, but...actually it's only really 2 people now. My partner and my ex-partner who is also my best friend. We've been best friends since we were 14, so half our lives. Pretty cool. But all my other "friends" (and I don't mean that rudely. They are lovely people and good friends, but I am never myself or comfortable around them so do not let them in really) don't really know me...

Like, I remember thinking a while ago that I had several people who I always saw (like in my group) like, 1-2 times a week or whatever, who were my friends, and yet I really had not progressed in terms of our conversations and friendship beyond the first few times we met, and yet we'd known each other for YEARS. That's a bit odd, I think. It's like, I'm friendly and ok when I first meet people (quiet and shy, but still ok) but then it just stops and never goes any further, no matter how much I see them or how long I know them! And they must think it's weird as well, or that I myself am weird, but I never sort of let on anything...I just keep acting as normal (or ABnormal as the case may be), cause I find the whole thing really embarrassing.

And to be really honest, I wouldn't really be overly upset if I never saw any of these people again...like, I'd be SAD but...meh. *shrug* I'd get over it. Only my best friend (and partner of course) would I be incredibly upset over.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sociopath, but then I doubt it. But I think maybe the reason I can't usually progress in relationships (any relationships, not just romantic ones) is because I am never comfortable being myself, and so I always am waiting to sort of see what others are like and then adapt myself accordingly...but if I'm not sure what they're like themselves cause I don't know them well enough cause I don't give anything back to them in terms of conversation, then I can't really adapt, can I? And this is why I just...can't often think of anything to say to them...

Also, I'm usually just not that interested. *shrug* I'm sort of...I'm basically impossible to get to know on any level beyond superficial unless I really WANT you to know me. If I want to show you who I am (which I did with both my partner and my best friend), then you'll know me (if you stick around long enough). I also need a heap of time. Like, I really doubt I'm ever gonna make any more friends now who I'll be able to be myself with. I only made my best friend 14 years ago because we were in all the same classes together all the time so it was easier to get to know each other.

Like, another example is my boss who I (well, former boss as I left 2 weeks ago for another job with more hours and money *sad*) really liked and worked with for over 2 years. Basically, I am quite attached to him INSIDE my head, but he would not know this as I hardly said anything the whole time! I sort of allowed myself to think this wasn't that strange (I mean, I DID speak. We'd sometimes have conversations. It was just me and him in the office for most of the time I worked there), but then when 2 more people joined us (who I also really liked but couldn't express it), it became really clear that I was weird, cause they were normal and suddenly there was a LOT more normal, relaxed conversation going on.

So...yeah. I think I am socially retarded (someone actually called me this in high school. I was also bullied, though never physically, just constant sort of made to feel embarrassed and stuff...but I was SO quiet and already weird that I don't really blame them to be honest)...I think you may have generalised anxiety disorder perhaps, with a social phobia...but I don't know...

 
Old 06-21-2006, 02:26 AM   #3
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Re: Cud this be BPD????-long plz help

hey its so strange how much u sound like me. i was quiet and pple even my parents kept telling me to speak, to this day they still do those dumb retarded impressions of me trying to speak to pple or running away from them.

i too notice the difference in rekationshjips from me. its hard cos in my head i really like these pple and have a fantasy freindship of how id like it to be, but then others just come and i look like a ****. like one of my jobs, i was the only one working with the boss too and then sum1 else came in and suddenly altho id bin there for a year, this person was there a day and the two wudnt shut up, i felt really crap and boring. i think i appear cold and distant to others, then sumtimes sarcastic and rude. sunmtimes ill put on a defense were i feel i have to sarcastically offend the person b4 they hurt me./ for example , i was talking of my b-day party and said to sum, yea ill have the pple close to me there who im best mates with, and then say to others to come and if they do great, if they dont they can shuv it! but the thing was i was not actually bothered in the slightest about who wud miss my b-day party, i was more protecting myself cos i felt id look like a loser if sum didnt come.

see i thougt u have to have like panic attacks walking round in public for generalised anxiety diorder or can it just be ur overall perception of things. ive always bin a bit weird, i think i come off weird and i cannot form relationships well.im the same, i have maybe 3/4 freinds i cant be alone with, then the rest its awkward. i just dnt get past small talk and if i do, i have to push myself to be sum1 else. i become superficial and either have to gossip about sumthing know nuthing about or just agree and nod with pple-which i dnt like doing.i worry about how i look constantly, i get annoyed and sumtimes dnt wana go out cos i feel ugly that day, i feel like every1 is watching me and i have to keep up a constant show.its down to the way i walk, sit or even just look about me. im glad im not the only one?? ne other experiences-ne1 else any too? xox thanx

 
Old 06-21-2006, 02:53 AM   #4
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Lightbulb Soo confused..ne adult autistics?? plz help.sorry its long

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im 18 finally and am gona go to the docs. ive bin searching for nearly 4 yrs what cud possibly be wrong and have never found an answer. its beyond hormones now, i am old enough ojn stuff but im soo confused, im not diagnosing myself with anything but i wana know if ne of u guys have ne suggestions-id like to hear ur stories.ive always bin different and abit inconsistant in mood and a bit erratic.i just want ur opinions please so i can get a feel for it.

i am and always have been very shy and quiet, im very nervous in social situations, i sumtimes dnt speak cos i know ill say sumthig stupid, if i do i make an *** of myself at times. i do have freinds however-just my wee group.i hate being centre of attention, i feel like every1 is looking at me, i shake and get panic attacks if i have to read out in public. i feel extremely detatched from every1, in social conversation sumtimes i find it difficult to respond appropraitly, like i forget social skills, i cant read others right and i assuke they dnt like me, i analyse every little detail of what is said and what may be said, i live in fantasies were im at ease with pple and have invented relationships with them, in conversation sumtimes i think i project the wrong tone and character of myself, i dont know how to regulate myself or how other percieve me therefore i dont understand how to respond to them. its like i have no sense of me on the outside or inside.i am very inconsistant and can jump from topic to topic-sumtimes thru nervousness.

ive always bin rather tantrum prone. to strangers im quiet and afraid, but at home i was a nightare child. i was that child screaming in the supermarket on the floor, kicking my legs and pulling at the shelves, id grab hold of other trolleys, if any1 tried to pick me up id kick and hit them, id scream my lungs out hysterically. if i was locked in the car for being bad in the shop id kick and beat the windows and the backs of seats while they r driviing. i wud thro things at home, not small things(like a play kitchen set or a wendy house),id kick the walls and run at the doors banging off them and screaming, id stamp on the floor up and down screaming,id hit people if they tried anything to stop me, scratch-i was like a wild animal! if pple r watching tv id turn it off, id throw things everywere. when i was told off or shouted at, or smacked id push it further, i am rather stubborn with them and wud carry on,i wud just repeat myself over and over again till i was smacked and sent to my room(were id throw stuff and kick the walls and door-i broke the door once too).i was aged like 3-8 were did all this anger come from? my parents did everything, i cant blame them for being at their wits end, i did deserve what i got obviously, but i remember just having no control over the anger i felt, i genuinley beleived i was rite, i felt hurt and angry at the same time, i was so horrrible the things id scream and do, yet if i was left r in trouble i was deeply hurt-i as soo frustarted. i grew out of this obviously, i still have rages tho. not as much, im known in the house as the snappy one, who will argue. there are tiffs alot but everyso often there is a major blow off were i scream in my parents faces, if they smacked me(which doesnt happen much now cos im too old) i hit them back(i shudnt dot that i know), i go to my room and cry cos im so furious i cant contain it, i cut and bang my head off the wall over and over again-not hard just to focus, i am on the floor again cryng and i punch my legs as hard as i can till theyre bruised and swell up, i pull my hair too sumtimes and scratch my nails down my face and in my head.. i cannot calm down but then i realsie im furoius with myself.i get spakred off so easy, i feel it burning inside me but i usually cant hold it in, the only other way is to cut.

my relationships r crap. im 18 and have never had a proper boyfriend-how sad. i cannot be interested(im not gay i just feel nothning), i kiss pple wen im out but thats it. i feel distanced and dont want them near me or in my business. i also feel i am inept to it, i cant form these relationsjips easily, its very stressful and i cant socially manage it.i have a small group of freinds of about 3 or four that i am comfortable with, but alot of my thoughts i must keep in my head cos theyre strange.

my past may have sumthign to do with it, i was badly bullied at school for no reason other than i was different cos i was quiet,they chased me with knives, then the teachers were mostly the same-bullies. i cudnt do the work or understand it, i was the youngest in the class and had the worst attention span, i was known as the day dreamer. i was sent to the special class for a while to get extra help but that didnt last long.i cud never grasop nething-my big broplem was maths but then they said i was crap at english too and most other things-now im going to study english at uni so that was rubbish. but i am hopeless at maths. then wen i was 9/10 a boy of 15 kept taking me off and touching me and getting me to touch him-we were sposed to be playing hide and seek.i think this si the reason i feel angry at boys sumtimes just for beihg boys.

i have hidden depression for 3 years, its cleared now abit-im just always numb now, im generally negetive and nothing seems exiting now everything is dull really, i dnt cut much now, i have also battlled eating problems and almosty commited suicide once but changed my mind when i was looking out the window ledge. i feel i cud never hurt those i love, i wd die for them. i am so afraid of loosing them i worry alot wen theyre not ther, if theyve bin killed. i get intrusive thoughts at times of gory images, and morbid thoughts alot, i used to turn light switches off and plugs and stuff as a child but not noticably much. i twitch a bit also my body parts(looks weird).i laso get obbsessed, over lots of things, books,tv shows, charachters and very often people. i invent little worlds in myhead, i invent relatiionsips with people, i spend days in these little worlds and id rather be doing this alot than bering in the real world.if i get obsessed over sumthing i talk constantly about it, it annoys pple sumtimes but i spend hours searching the net, getting pics and the the rest of the time thinkig about it. pleas help i know tis sooo long but im so confused. this has not changed ive always bin weird and different., i need an answer-i cannot tell ne1 tho, to sum i know well they forget and i look normal, i dnt ract to them with anger really tho-just at home weirdly, others see me as strabnge or distant- a bit random at times.. i have cyles sumtimes were my mood is fine, numb then bang a period of deep depression. sumtimes tho just thought the day i get a sudden anger, or depression moves in and i think of suicide, yet other times im so happy. i exercise alot and try to east rite but nothing works. i worry cos i hurt alot around me when im in a mood, but i cant control it, i hate myself and the person at the time but i dont want to be rejected by them-i have a massive fear of rejection/plz help xox

 
Old 06-21-2006, 07:03 AM   #5
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re: What do I have?

I'll be 19 in August, and I was just recently diagnosed with Asperger's, so if you want to ask me any questions, feel free!
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Old 06-21-2006, 07:44 AM   #6
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re: What do I have?

oh boy! you have a lot on your plate dont you!

first of all i dont think that i would dismiss the depression just yet. feeling numb is often a part of that. if you havent already i would suggeast you get some counciling about what happened with the bullying and that rotten 15 year old and i would 100% agree that that has an impact on your relationships with guys now.

as far as being autisic goes, you could have aspergers or something related or it could be something like ADHD as well which there is some leaning towards that being on the autistic spectrum as well. definately get some professional opinions. i know that my husband is driving himself crazy trying to figure himself out right now so if you are ready for some anwsers i say let the doctors know how serious you are about wanting to know and that you are ready to do whatever testing and therapy it takes so you can get you life under control.

i really do wish you the best of luck and i hope that you get those answers you need.

 
Old 06-21-2006, 08:41 AM   #7
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re: What do I have?

I read your entire post amd I have to say that to ME (and I'm certainly not a professional) it sounds a lot more like either depression or ADHD. You should definately see a therapist. Good luck with finding the answers you seek.

- Kim

Last edited by MrsBlack; 06-21-2006 at 08:42 AM.

 
Old 06-22-2006, 12:55 AM   #8
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Re: Cud this be BPD????-long plz help

Yeah, I honestly think if I hadn't met my best friend back in school (and all my other friends are really through her. She made the friends and I was always with her so I was also their friend. All except one, who I've known since I was 6, but even with her I dont feel normal anymore) and if I hadn't met my partner on the net, I'd have NO friends!

I have had 2 long term relationships, my ex and my current partner. My ex I was with for 4 years and we're still best friends as I said before. My partner now we met on the net over 5 years ago and have been living together for almost 3 years. I do feel comfortable with her, which is good...I mean, when you live with someone you kinda have to or you'd never be able to relax! But I really do think if I'd not met her online, with the anonymity (I'm SO much more talkative here than in person) and also the length of time to just get to know each other, we'd not be together today. If we'd met in person, we'd not even have spoken. And it wouldn't be anything to do with her. Just me - cause I can't establish relationships with people beyond an incredibly superficial level.

I also have this thing where I hate talking to people in front of people I'm comfortable with...I have had this for so long. It's like, the more comfortable I am with someone, the worse this is. Like, I hate ordering in a restaurant or talking to people in shops or in the street in front of my partner or best friend or parents. HATE IT! I don't mind it when I'm alone though.

What else is there...hmm, so many things! lol. Nobody makes fun of me like they seem to do with you. Do you find that makes things worse or easier? I don't know how I'd go with that..hmm...I'm just in denial about it outwardly. Never mention it ever, though people MUST be aware of it.

I think I also appear a bit cold and distant...like, you know how I mentioned my former boss? Well, when I left I said I'd drop in the following week (as I had a week off before starting my new job) and I'd see him then and get my reference and stuff from him...you know, so I could say goodbye more properly. Cause all I said when I left on my last day was See ya! Like normal...cause I thought I'd be dropping in. But I've not gone in yet, and it's now 2 weeks ago..*sigh* I really want to see him (and the other 2 people who I also didn't get a proper chance to say goodbye to) but...I've sent him a text msg and also an email and I've been getting all these calls on my phone, but I ignore them cause there's no number showing up. I never answer calls without a number. I hate it. I always must know who is calling before I answer. So it could be him, but I won't answer...so...I mean, what's that!?!? It's not that I'm avoiding answering because I don't want to talk to someone else in case it's not him. It's more a case of I'm avoiding it incase it IS him, cause I don't know what I'd say and feel awkward. *sigh* I worked with him for 2 YEARS, you know? And yet I'm behaving this way? So stupid.

I'm 27, right? Most people my age are like, climbing the corporate ladder and stuff...I work part time as a typist. I LOVE working part time cause I get my own time to do what I want, I don't have to get up early and I don't get home late. And although I also love material things, right now I choose to have slightly less money and more me-time. But it seems to me that as I've "progressed" in my working life, I've actually done the opposite of what most people are supposed to do. I began as a legal secretary at age 21, then went to be a secretary somewhere else (cause I moved to a different state)...where I had less responsibility...then I got my job with my boss I mentioned where there was even less responsibility and NO phones, WOO! (cause I HATE talking on the phone to people at work...especially in front of anyone) and now my new job is even less again! So it's like I'm going backwards...you know? Like I'm semi retired at age 27? And yet I'm not rich. I really can't justify why I refuse to work full time...lol. Except that I just don't want to.

And then what worries me is that maybe I need a whole heap of free time so I can go back into my own little fantasy world which is comfortable and comforting to me. The real world stresses me out a lot. I mean, I'd love not to have to work at all, but unless you win the lottery that's probably not gonna happen unfortunately. But yeah, like, I just find it really exhausting to have to deal with reality for any length of time, and being around people I can't relax with makes it even worse.

Lately also I've been spending so much money on clothes...my credit card bill is like over $7,000 and that's kinda scary. I can't bear to pay it off cause then the money in my bank account will go down, but if I don't it'll just keep rising...*gulp* And yet I keep buying more clothes...

Sometimes I wonder whether I EVER actually see reality, or if everything is in my own little world...but then I stop thinking like that cause I begin to feel like I'm going crazy. Then I tell myself it's like this for everyone. No reality is objective or fact, you know? Everyone sees every single thing differently and perceives things differently...

But yeah..

 
Old 06-23-2006, 08:00 AM   #9
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re: What do I have?

I'm so glad that you found a place to express your feelings. It sounds like you are having a really tough time right now. I know it may seem hard to take the next step, but maybe you should think about seeing a counselor. I am not on the autism spectrum, and I do not suffer from depression, but I did suffer from Panic Attacks. I tried therapy to learn cognitive behavior skills to help get rid of my panic attacks, but for me, it was a chemical thing. I needed medication. I never thought that I would be on a medication such as Prozac, but it works for me. I was having daily panic attacks until I went on Prozac, and now I have not had one in over a year. The reason I share this with you, is because I want you to know that their is hope. When you are having such a difficult time, it may be because of a chemical imbalance in your brain. With the right meds, or the right type of therapy, you may find that you feel better. Good luck to you, and keep us posted.

-Steph

 
Old 06-23-2006, 11:33 AM   #10
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re: What do I have?

It;s great you are able to express yourself here.

In my opinion, your tantrums as a child could be anything; possibly not related to any disorder at all. Although, I did the same as you. I was a quiet kid but I was a nighmare when I didnt get what I want.

At first, it sounds like anxiety isues; possibly Social Anxiety. It all sounds too farmiliar not to be.

As for being on the Autistic spectrum, that could be debatable. I would definitely get a professional opinion. It could be posible that you have Aspergers, ADHD or even PDD NOS.

It also sounds like depression. As said before, depression has a numbing feeling just as you described. The depresiion may be fueled by everything else though, but it still needs to be treated.

I am an adult with Autism (as well Anxiety and past depression), so please, if you have any questions dont hesitate to ask.

SGH

 
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