having thoughts of hurting people.... - Mental Health Message Board

j.m. · 06-29-2006, 05:25 PM

....knew that would be an attention grabber.
but seriously, for several years, i feel as though most people can't stand the sight of me for whatever reason.
well, let me clarify: some people always give me serious or dirty looks and are rude towards me for no apparent reason. and i personally feel i'm not paranoid because one of my friends have confirmed to me they've noticed that too.
i'll give a few examples: there's times i could be talking to someone on the street and i'll notice that someone going by in a car or whatever would just sort of give me a disgusted look, like the other day i was riding the bus here in Hollywood , and sometimes it gets pretty crowded, you have all sorts of characters on board, now i consider myself to be just an ordinary person but this girl that was near the front of the bus singled my face out of all the weirdos, bums and "regular" people and sorta glared at me then turned and mumbled something not very nice about me to this little girl she was with (found out later it was her daughter)well, to make a long story short, i approached her and asked in the nicest possible way if i had offended her and why did she do what she did. she got pretty nasty with me instead of reasoning with me. the bus driver almost threw both of us out, but she ultimately prevailed in the situation since another girl jumped to her defense and said she wasn't doing anything.
the thing is she more or less admitted what she did by saying something to the effect of "if i was giving you a look what's the big deal" well, the thing is i just merely asked her WHY and she got really defensive about it.
y'know, i don't mind so much when it's a guy, i could give a care, but when it's a female, it really aggravates me. i carry alot of emotional scars from this sort of treatment. no woman finds me attractive and i really don't understand why. i'm tired and fed up with constant rejection.
even when i was doing security awhile back (i haven't worked since), this was always happening to me on the job, but of course i had to keep a tight lip about it.
i mean i was doing a job, i wasn't just a bum standing around, y'know and i'm getting all these harsh looks from a lot of people. i don't know what the hell goes through their minds, and if i ask i never get an answer, just in alot of trouble.
sometimes i'll be crossing a busy street and i hear a "click", you know what i'm saying?
i don't know how anyone would cope with this everyday. if i'm the ugliest mofo on the planet (which i'm not) OK, so what??? it seems the "love club" doesn't want me as a member.
people feel they have the right to do what they do, but yet i don't have the right to stand up for myself. go figure.
it has turned me into somewhat of an angry person. i do try very hard to find peace of mind but it's not very easy and especially now that i have health/digestive problems(that's for another forum, i know) it's been pure hell these last few months. i'm only 37, and already i feel like my life is over. i feel old and useless. there's no hope in sight. believe me it's not a pleasant feeling.
some of my "friends" have turned their backs on me even though they claim to understand how i feel.
Sometimes i wonder if God is punishing me for things i've done.

well, that's just one of many, MANY worse incidents.
thank God for this forum. i just want to know what is everyones take on this.
it can't be all in my head. you just have no idea.

Rainboe · 06-29-2006, 11:18 PM

I'm so sorry about how people have been acting toward you. It's very strange that so many random people would single you out and give you dirty looks. Even though your friend has confirmed that you're not paranoid because they've seen it too, maybe there is a LITTLE paranoia. Also, maybe people around where you live are just in a bad mood. I visted California a year ago (I was born there) and I found the people to be cold and rude. I don't think that everyone is like that at all, just in the area I was in that's how it was. It just depends on the culture of an area. While I was there my usual southern friendliness was useless, and even when I smiled at people while passing them I got a strange look in response. If moving is an option, you might consider it. It might improve your life, health, and your self-esteem. Just remember there are people out there that won't look at you like you're scum. Take care, hope things work out for you!

strongernow · 06-30-2006, 10:17 PM

I sometimes have that problem too but I am wondering what are some good friendly places to move to?

Rainboe · 06-30-2006, 11:28 PM

Oklahoma is fairly friendly. Sure there are mean people, as there are everywhere, but people I've met here tend to smile at others and be pretty polite. Really, at all places you have your good and your bad. I guess I wasn't rich looking enough to be in the area I was in. Not enough plastic surgery!

Edit: I've also heard Disney World is friendly!

MillaRose · 07-13-2006, 09:10 PM

hey J.M,

Hope you doing well

I've had issues with the whole "Why are people looking at me so much today?"
but i've come to realize that it's always on a day when i feel extra self concious and insecure and i keep looking at people to see how they're lookin at me. The thing is, on a day you're feeling like that, Guess who you're exchanging glances with? People feeling the same as you, which is why your getting that reaction. (and nosy people, but they size up everybody)
People i think are like animals almost. They can smell /sense when you're weak. Some poeple will just give you a bad look if they think it will bother you.
Keep your headup J.M. And always think "There's nobody here any better than i am " People will sense your confidence and the fact that you don't care even a little bit what they think of you. You don't need strangers to affect your mood. They mean nothing. Try to focus on who matters in your life. And make sure YOU are up there on the list.
Take Care
Hope this helps
Milla