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Old 07-04-2006, 11:27 AM   #1
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MyPlague HB User
Creating a fake "reality"

I wasn't sure where to post this, so I'll go ahead and put it here.

After a recent "break off" with a girl, I'm starting to open my eyes to alot of things about myself. One of the most important things I've figured out is that because I sustained pretty substantial emotional abuse from my mom as a child...I learned a set of "survival tactics".

Let's see. I learned to lock myself in my room to avoid rejection. I learned to lie about things I didn't even NEED to lie about to my parents (really everybody) to keep from falling short of their expectations.

I learned that eating made me feel better, in the short term. And later on so did being wasted drunk everyday.

I learned that my dreams were far better than reality ever could be so I lost myself in them and refused to come back out.

I learned that if someone knocks on my door they automatically want to invade me and go through all my stuff. Thus the reason I keep my door locked all the time, and get this sudden rush of anxiety when someone knocks.

But most importantly, when I locked myself away from the world I created to a degree an imaginary one. I know it's not real. I don't think it's schizophrenia because I still know the difference between reality and non-reality to a degree, but am only just NOW opening my eyes to the fact that it's not normal.

I created things in my mind to make up for things that I either didn't have or didn't exist.

Thus "imaginary" girls in my brain. Yes I went after real ones too....

But even still, I had been hurt by the "ultimate" woman in my life severely... my mom. I had already begun to imagine women in my mind then. But then as the years went by, I began experiencing the same type of pain through love interests...and it progressively got worse. So my mind progressively made someone up in itself that would never do these things to me.

Takes on different "figures". But it's the same "person" no matter what my brain chooses to physically make her look like.

I just figured that last part out last night.

Not sure what to do.

I can't get "her" out of my mind.

I think this is another dimension of why this latest girl and I fell apart. There's alot of different dimensions that ultimately complicate it and lead up to it's explosion....or implosion I suppose.

Aside from her, I haven't had any prospects in 4.5 years for girlfriends. I haven't had sex in that same timeframe either. I seem to lock myself in my room, away from the world now, unless I was drinking...but I've decided to stop drinking for a long time.

But I think, in the same way my mom set a ridiculous amount of expectations for me, I set a ridiculous amount of expectations for this girl. And I honestly believe I began to compare her to the "imagined" person in my mind. And neither she, nor any REAL woman could EVER live up to what my mind has created.

It's, in reality, progressively disconnecting me from the world.

It's like...I created these survival techniques and false realities when I was younger, that have carried through as an adult, to avoid dealing with life. Alcohol was the same way for me.

To keep life at bay....

To avoid rejection and abandonment...which in reality..is a part of real life.

Becuase it was too painful to deal with.

I'm most concerned with this fake reality, and this fake "person". What exactly is this? Is this a specific brain disorder, or just the result of alot of psychological damage?

How do I get this stuff out of my head?

 
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Old 07-04-2006, 01:09 PM   #2
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strongernow HB User
Re: Creating a fake "reality"

Hey I am actually working on a mental health degree and here is what I think. You do not have a brain disorder but in order to test for that you should get evaluated by a neurologist and a board certified psychiatrist.

But here is what I think. I think you have an avoidant personality disorder with Schizoid and Obsessive features. I think your Schizoid and avoidant features are pretty strong. I'd suggest you do some online research. And Schizoid persona does NOT mean Schizophrenia which is a much more severe delusional based and psychotic disorder. This only tells you what your personality is like and what you will do in order to not suffer. It only makes sense to do what you do. But it is a disorder only because your strategies work because they keep you happy to a degree but at the same time you are missing out on some better opportunities. The behaviors and thoughts you have are probably constant and rigid (not changing) which makes it a disorder. I am not the person to teach you how to live your life better. But I would love to offer suggestions.

I think Dr. Phil's Audiobooks on Self Matters and Life Strategies are some of the best advice you could ever get for a realitivly cheap price.

If you have money to spend then find a Board Certified Behavior Analyst or Cognitive Therapist that works with personality disorders.

There are some online psychological help seminars on tape that you could find and purchase online.

Making a plan to get out of the house and go places you think might be pleasent. Like a garden, a water park, a swimming pool , a church or even attending an educational seminar on romance and dating!

I hope this helps. Let me know what your up to.
Good luck.

Last edited by strongernow; 07-04-2006 at 01:13 PM.

 
Old 07-05-2006, 08:07 AM   #3
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Posts: 178
MyPlague HB User
Re: Creating a fake "reality"

Quote:
Originally Posted by strongernow
Hey I am actually working on a mental health degree and here is what I think. You do not have a brain disorder but in order to test for that you should get evaluated by a neurologist and a board certified psychiatrist.

But here is what I think. I think you have an avoidant personality disorder with Schizoid and Obsessive features. I think your Schizoid and avoidant features are pretty strong. I'd suggest you do some online research. And Schizoid persona does NOT mean Schizophrenia which is a much more severe delusional based and psychotic disorder. This only tells you what your personality is like and what you will do in order to not suffer. It only makes sense to do what you do. But it is a disorder only because your strategies work because they keep you happy to a degree but at the same time you are missing out on some better opportunities. The behaviors and thoughts you have are probably constant and rigid (not changing) which makes it a disorder. I am not the person to teach you how to live your life better. But I would love to offer suggestions.

I think Dr. Phil's Audiobooks on Self Matters and Life Strategies are some of the best advice you could ever get for a realitivly cheap price.

If you have money to spend then find a Board Certified Behavior Analyst or Cognitive Therapist that works with personality disorders.

There are some online psychological help seminars on tape that you could find and purchase online.

Making a plan to get out of the house and go places you think might be pleasent. Like a garden, a water park, a swimming pool , a church or even attending an educational seminar on romance and dating!

I hope this helps. Let me know what your up to.
Good luck.
First of all thank you for your response.

I did some research, and while I think there are more dimensions to my issues, I matched every single symptom related to that disorder.

At the moment I don't have medical insurance, not until I start back at my job in a couple of weeks, and it may be a while before it actually takes effect again. So I can't find a therapist at the moment, and I'm on an extremely fixed budget until paychecks start coming in again so I can't buy those tapes yet.

Am I supposed to try and ignore this imagined stuff and "fight" it? Try and force it to go away? Or am I supposed to just go with the "flow" of it for now and wait until I can find a therapist?

 
Old 07-05-2006, 11:37 AM   #4
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strongernow HB User
Re: Creating a fake "reality"

First talk more about the imagined stuff. Are these hallucinations? Or purely deep and detailed day dreams? Are they positive and cheerful day dreams? Or eerie and creepy stuff? Because if it eerie adn creepy and bad then you'd want to try and modify your day dreams and see yourself completing tasks and goals that you need to in your life. So change it in a way so that you are associating with people that are positive and nice and loving, and change it so that you are comforted in your envirnment in a safe and healthy way. Imagine yourself doing great at your job and getting along with your boss and coworkers and meeting all the goals. Keep your day dreams as realistic and overly positive as possible. Remember realistic doesn't have to be bad or negative. Some psychologists believe if you will use your imaginations to imagine a better and realistic life for yourself then it can happen in real life. But never imagine anything that makes you feel worse, enraged, or more sick ok. Keep it safe.

But if they are halluncinations. You need to get an interview with a Board Certified Psychiatrist - once your insurance allows for that to happen. And see if the BCP will give you anti-psychotic or neuroleptic medications and a diagnosis.

I know there are some online stores that have great deals on Dr. Phil's audiobooks on tape. I got it for one penny plus shipping. So maybe you could search online for that.

Also your local library could have self help audiobooks and books that could help you. Libraries usually never charge a fee so this could be good for you. I checked out a CD called Creative Visualization which has actually been better than anything I went threw in counseling.

Keep me updated.

Last edited by strongernow; 07-05-2006 at 11:51 AM.

 
Old 07-05-2006, 12:46 PM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 178
MyPlague HB User
Re: Creating a fake "reality"

Quote:
Originally Posted by strongernow
First talk more about the imagined stuff. Are these hallucinations? Or purely deep and detailed day dreams? Are they positive and cheerful day dreams? Or eerie and creepy stuff? Because if it eerie adn creepy and bad then you'd want to try and modify your day dreams and see yourself completing tasks and goals that you need to in your life. So change it in a way so that you are associating with people that are positive and nice and loving, and change it so that you are comforted in your envirnment in a safe and healthy way. Imagine yourself doing great at your job and getting along with your boss and coworkers and meeting all the goals. Keep your day dreams as realistic and overly positive as possible. Remember realistic doesn't have to be bad or negative. Some psychologists believe if you will use your imaginations to imagine a better and realistic life for yourself then it can happen in real life. But never imagine anything that makes you feel worse, enraged, or more sick ok. Keep it safe.

But if they are halluncinations. You need to get an interview with a Board Certified Psychiatrist - once your insurance allows for that to happen. And see if the BCP will give you anti-psychotic or neuroleptic medications and a diagnosis.

I know there are some online stores that have great deals on Dr. Phil's audiobooks on tape. I got it for one penny plus shipping. So maybe you could search online for that.

Also your local library could have self help audiobooks and books that could help you. Libraries usually never charge a fee so this could be good for you. I checked out a CD called Creative Visualization which has actually been better than anything I went threw in counseling.

Keep me updated.
No. The only time I've ever hallucinated was when I smoked too much weed, or did stupid things with drugs...like twice in my entire life.

I don't hallucinate. It's just intense, deep day dreams.....

Hard to admit this part, but it's been so long without a real woman I imagine (not hallucinate) one when I lay in bad and clutch on to my pillows and stuff as if it were her.

It's rarely ever creepy or eerie. Usually my daydreams consist of good stuff that doesn't exist, or is next to impossible to get.

I'm a guitarist, and I constantly imagine myself as the greatest musician in the world playing in front of 1000s of people...but I'm not really that great yet in real life.

But it seems I'm lost in these dreams of this imagine "girl" and this impossible goal all the time and I'm forgetting to live.

I don't really know how to make them realistic, because while they are positive and usually make me happy when I'm "in" them, they are FAR from realistic.

I bought all three of those books a few min. ago by the way, but they will take a while to get here.

I'm more concerned about the envisioned "woman" that I day dream about all the time. It seems when I actually do find someone interested in me I begin to push them away subconsciously and start acting melo-dramatic and then cling and get suffocating when they start pulling away...and it seems I'm trying to make the real woman become the woman I've imagined....which is not realistic.

Do I continue to go with the flow of this unrealistic dream of this woman that I "clutch" to when I'm in bed, or do I tell her to go away and keep trying to fight the urge to let that dream consume me?

I mean until I can find a doctor/therapist that is.

It makes me feel calm when I dream about it, but when I realize what I'm doing I get self conscious and really depressed because "she isn't real".

It's not even just that though. I constantly day dream about this girl I recently broke it off with coming back to me, saying she wants me back, and it's very unrealistic I think too. This also sends me deeper into depression.

The other dreams about being the greatest guitarist and stuff I don't see as quite as bad because they ultimately drive me to keep playing music. It frustrates me more sometimes that I don't sound like my idols yet and dream alot about sounding that good and singing their songs, not mine. But ultimately I should be a better musician for it.

Last edited by MyPlague; 07-05-2006 at 12:54 PM.

 
Old 07-06-2006, 04:12 PM   #6
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strongernow HB User
Re: Creating a fake "reality"

Did you buy the audiobooks on tape or cd? I find those to be the most helpful as it doesn't require much eye strain. And you will feel less alone to hear a human voice.

The aim here that most counselors are going to try and get you to achieve is the aim for middle ground. That means you will have to take some aspects of that "ideal" dream even if it is only a couple and blend it with the reality. You've got to put together a list in your head of what is realistic, what is most likely going to happen, and what can I take from this idealism that could work in reality. How you will have to modify this in reality. So you will not be abandoning your dreams 100%. The middle ground idea also means that you will be leaving some parts of the dream behind that are causing more failure and procrastination and problems -like the intense want and goal to be exactly like your idols which is so extreme and is stunting you in that it makes you frustrated. But on the other hand you can still keep some of the aspects from your idols and use that to help you along the way but it is so extreme and unrealistic to be that Perfect Dream Image. It is like the great high school basketball players who want to be the next Shaq or the next Michael Jordan and make millions and become famous and perfect. This dream of fame and riches and adulation is a dream of narcissistic ideals. It most likely will never happen. Never and even if you get it there is no guarentee that you will be pleased or prepared for major life problems.

Now just because you are aiming for middle ground does not mean that you will always be stuck playing music in your room or to an audience of three people. You have to plan, face reality, design a goal or two about where you want to go with your life, think about what you have to do to meet your goals, make a checklist of behaviors in order to meet the goals and so forth.

Middle ground means you are not aiming too low and you are not thinking low of yourself and doing nothing and underachieving and it means that you will not be aiming for grandiose perfection whether that be technical perfection, fame, riches, perfect love etc. You will have to find that middle ground.
Start applying this to the pillow relationship you have. It is better to practice doing the right thing in your room so that when you get out in real life you are better prepared and more ready!

Last edited by strongernow; 07-06-2006 at 04:17 PM.

 
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