pucca_chick

okay, ive hodden alot of secrets form every1 i know-depression,self harm,purging,not eating,near suicide attempt and intrusive thoguhts and voice like things in my head. but ive always searched for a reason im like this(hense the fact im here). i was bullied badly by both pupils and teachers in school from a young age, i had suffered panic attacks which no1 had any tolerance for by the time i was 7, i was chased with knives, stabbed with pencils, labelled stupid and thick,laffed at, screamed at and basically scared. i was a quiet shy child tho.

but the one thing im still confused about is sumthig that happend nearly 10yrs ago that i dnt know if it effects me today-i hope this is the rite board sorta.

wen i was 8/9/10 this 15yr old boy wud take me off and touch me and get me to touch him. i tried to say no i didnt want to but he just started rubbing me and going places and saying i was being stupid. is this abuse???-i cant understand. at the time i never understood, i was only becoming aware of the concept of boyfriend and girlfreind, i started to think that this is what it ment, but i cudnt understand y it was like this-i thought gf and bf were supposed to like eachother more. i felt embarressed and dirty, i never told ne1 and i was best freinds with his younger sister. i later found out he asked me five yr old brother to play strip poker with him in his bedroom alone-thankfully he said no.

but y cant i remember alot of it. its very hazy, its like watching parts of a silent movie in colour. i remember the places it took place-but i dont know the time sequences or the length of time, what age i was or nething, how many times he did this to me either and only a few things that he said.y is this-i wish to god i cud remember, i feel i cant move on until i know the truth. i feel numb to it tho. but sumtimes i shock myself-i stumbled on his msn profile page one day, i saw his face and i felt sick, and a sudden wave of tearfulness came over me, not to mention anger-he had all his wee buddies, cracking his jokes and just seeming normal-but i try to see thru his face and wonder who else has he done this too-has he done worse!!! i feel its my fault, i shud have been more assertive in telling him no, i feel like a silly little girl, im also a afraid its me doing this to myself, since its so hazy-what if my sick head just made it up??! but then y wud i create a memory like this?

im 18 and have never had a boyfeind-that ****es me off cos i feel like a loser, my mother thinks im a lesbian(which im not-but have nuthing against it by the way), but i dont talk to guys, i do not trust them and am angry at random guys for nuthing, i imagine sumwere inside every1 of them is sum1 like that boy(no offense to the males here).i wish i cud remeber what i was like be4 this happened, i remember not being annoyed at my lonerism in skool, not being able to talk to guys, not being ashamed of my body or so timid(i cud actually get on stage lol), but now i wonder is he part of the problemi feel ive lost myself, i do not know who i am.ive hidden depression for three yrs and stuff, i despise every molecule of my body,i dont usually venture on dates, i sumtimes like the idea of sum1 nice there, but then i think tis not worth iot. i am very very numb, i feel nothing for guys i meet, i cudnt care less, wen im kissing a guy i feel like its an effort to look involved or stimulated even interested. plz help, y cant i remember alot of this-does that mean it didnt happen, if i went back to the place do u think i cud remember, i may be going to get help for depression on my own soon-shud i mention this?? sorry its so long-please help me im soo confused. xox