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Old 08-07-2006, 11:35 AM   #1
D31 D31 is offline
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Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

I had been with my b/f for 3 years. Love him a great deal. However he has a passive aggressive personality. Which made our realtionship virtually impossiable. I he broke up with me 8 times. Then came back everytime stating he was sorry and loved me so much could not imagine himself with anyone but me. The last time I broke it off with him I could not handle the emotional roller coaster anymore. It got to the point I lost all my friends my family was disgusted... due to his behavior. And either distanced them selves from me or got very upset and said they wanted nothing to do with me. I focused on me more and let him go. He left me a voice mail stating I will always be the love of his life and he will always think of me, even 4 years from now if he was still alive then, and he loved me and to have a good life. (what was with that?) I felt sad infact I went from anger to saddness... I miss him so much. I could never imagine myself with anyone else either. But I can't be with him due to his emotional roller coaster rides...l plus every friend I ever had hates him, feels I have betrayed them. I moved next door to my best freind and they helped me they say get the place i live due to them( although I have lived here before and was a good tenant) said has they known I planned to seek a realtionship with my b/f again ( intentions were never for him to live here he has his own place) that I would have never got the place they would have told the owner of the building no and given me my deposit back. that I was in "there comfort zone".. cause he would be over... So I also broke it off because of that.I have had a few dates great guys. But I still feel I was meant to be with my ex.... my gut tells me I should be. I have been to counselling and he thinks I shold break the cycle it was destroying me. How do I deal with a passive agressive... should I? Is it worth it ? What about my freinds? Family? I feel like I made a mistake. But at the same time scared to be hurt....yet again. I am torn....

 
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Old 08-08-2006, 02:29 PM   #2
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

In my experience the only way to deal with a passive aggressive once they have exhibited their 'true" self is to keep them as a distant friend and never let yourself get too close to them as they are far too volatile to be trusted with your feelings. I wish it didn't have to be that way but they are incapable of seeing things from other viewpoints as far as I can tell.

 
Old 08-09-2006, 01:21 AM   #3
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

Hmm, I think I exhibit major passive-aggressive behaviour when I have one of my "tantrums" (read some of my other posts in the anger section if you'd like elaboration on this)

At other times I'm fine and deal with things like a normal adult, except I am still slightly passive-aggressive at times, like...I'll wait for my partner to do various things before coming out with how I actually feel and then discussing it normally...for me, it's because I don't feel worthy of my feelings or any feelings of entitlement in myself.

I am fully aware of my behaviour and that it is destructive to both my partner and myself and our relationship...at the time I can't seem to help myself though.

I wouldn't completely give up on this guy if you really feel like you should be with him...but he would need to seriously seek help to learn to cope with his feelings better. This is ALL him. If he wants to be with YOU, HE has to deal.

 
Old 08-09-2006, 04:06 PM   #4
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

D31, I've been here at HealthBoards for a long time now - and you are the first person that has truly understood my life with John.
He was passive-aggressive (actually diagnosed), he was also alcoholic cross-addicted to drugs and was abusive.
And you know what? He was my soulmate - not in just the "love" sense of the word. I loved him on a metaphysical level that I've never experienced since. We lived together for almost 3 years.
And then, like you, I got to this point where I knew that I deserved better.
It was totally apart from the Love - he knew that I loved him.

He also let me go. Like your guy did when he said you would "always be the love of his life and he will always think of me, even 4 years from now if he was still alive then, and he loved me and to have a good life".
John loved me enough to know what he was like and enough to let me go.

He did quit drinking and drugging, and we did keep in loose touch throughout the years. He called me two weeks before he died at age 48.
He is the reason that I can tell people here, from the bottom of my heart, that you can Love someone for the rest of your life, but sometimes that person is not the Right person for you and you have to go on.

I am NOT saying that it is easy.
I love my husband of 17 yrs with my whole heart and cannot imagine my life with anyone else.
And yet there isn't a day where John is not in my heart also.
I can live with that - it may not seem possible, but you may be able to also..
Ruth

 
Old 08-10-2006, 01:40 PM   #5
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

Well thing is I don't want to let him go. As crazy as it may sound, and despite the fact anyone that cares for me totally forbids me to see him. I cannot imagine myself with anyone else. I mean when he is not in the passive aggressive mode he is a great guy. No one else agree's they feel he is no good for me. I am an adult and I do not feel I should have to explain or get permission to see anyone. I am 33 years old!!!! I have my own place , a car a job, taking courses to be a police officer. My family found out I have been seeing my b/f again and I was read the riot act. I live next door to my best freind and her husband who hate my b/f and they are the supers in that building as well. They feel my b/f has invadid "there comfort zone" as my b/f was also into drugs as well. He has stopped that altogether.. for over a month now. He says me ending things with him was a "eye opener" for him. And he wants to be with me forever and wants to love, respect and be there for me.l I feel like I am living in a fishbowl, or just freed from jail and everyone is watching me waiting. My family have said I want them to accept him and they never will. And I might as well be dating charles manson.. which to me is ridiculous. I love him.. what can I do ?

 
Old 08-10-2006, 08:02 PM   #6
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

What can you do??? If you are 33 you can do whatever you want.
That includes though, having to accept that not everyone is going to think that he is the best person for you.
Your original post sounded more like you were at the point where you understood that:
1) You love him
2) He isn't good for you.
Now it sounds like you are determined to stay the course (although we both know how bad that can be).
I cannot in all good conscience counsel you on how to stay with a passive-aggressive guy... It's 30 yrs later for me, and I still bear the emotional scars.
Ruth

 
Old 08-10-2006, 10:38 PM   #7
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

Well yes I am determined to stay the course. Cause when I am doing my own thing having my own life. It breaks my heart I think of all the good times, and bad to. I feel a huge void. He has made such an impact on my life. Ya there was bad, but not all was. He made me laugh all the time, we like the same things. His family is great. I put on a good game face...and I try and please everyone by cutting ties. But deep down I am not. I miss him alot. There are tons of guys out there that would love to take his place. They are all great guys... then why do I not want to be with any of them? I want HIM am I crazy ? I am being made to feel so. I feel like I am damned of I do and damned if I don't...We have spoke of marriage.. several times. I know if I did I might as well say goodbye to everyone. I just want to live my life and everyone leave me alone and stop yelling and treating me like a common criminal. He does not do drugs, he pays his bills, has a full time job he does well at. And is working on him and me. What do they want? No we cannot change the past, I cannot change how I feel for him. Because he has a passive agressive personality it means he can never have love ? All people who have this will live alone forever ? We should all give up?

 
Old 08-12-2006, 07:31 PM   #8
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

The fact about passive aggressive people is that they will never change. Deep inside they have a character flaw that makes them imo bad. Not sociopathic bad but just bad as in annoying, iritating, and disconnected with love and peace and logic and reasoning. It is almost like a chronic disease but of the persona rather than of the brain, heart or skin. The problem with these people is that they actually like to be angry. They get off on it and are excited by it. It is reinforcing for them to be angry. You see, normal people usually really dislike being agitated or angry. The passive aggressive person will always find ways to get angry. He or she will bottle in iritation for longs periods of time until it turns to anger and then that will be bottled up and then it will manifest as rage and then the passive aggressive slowly lets you know how enraged he or she is by sabatoging plans and other aspects of the relationship. Normal people are usually reinforced by encourgement, comedy, fun, etc...these people are mainly motivated and excited by A n g e r. It is no secret that these people are mildly sadistic and masochistic. They typically despise happy, encouraging, positive, and motivated people. Passivity is also is a sneaky way of staying in complete control of others.

So think of it this way if you have the patience and amazingly never ending love for yourself and the passive aggressive then you can make it out ok but other than that think of it as that you will be doing a ton of work like figuratively speaking it is like being a volunteer nurse for an elderly person with dementia or parkinsons or some debilitating disorder. I would find it very unrewarding and even punishing if I had to do that. You will be taking care of this person's neglected aspects of his self while he is off playing sadomasochistic games with people at his job and in his life.
But then again remember the disorders range from mild, to moderate, to severe, to profound. So people with mild cases may be able to put of their mind games for some serious loving and peace.

Last edited by strongernow; 08-12-2006 at 11:04 PM.

 
Old 08-14-2006, 01:24 PM   #9
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

Well the thing is.. he boobie traps things. Things are great.. then all the sudden I did something or he can't handle something.... But he tells everyone he cannot function without me he loves me , I am a part of him. I do love him alot.... so there is no hope ? That really hurts...

 
Old 08-14-2006, 05:29 PM   #10
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

What really hurts?

Well the booby traps are part of the disorder and it only will get more intricate because sooner or later he will tire of those games and the booby traps will become more complex and sabatoging which to him will be more fun. This is basically a way of staying in control. Control of others through projective identification means survival to him even if it elicits misery and confusion in others.

People of the lie is a good book.

Last edited by strongernow; 08-14-2006 at 05:32 PM.

 
Old 08-14-2006, 07:59 PM   #11
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

D31 -- the bottom lines are these:

1. He is not going to change unless he gets into intensive, lengthy therapy. Even then, surrending control will always be an issue for him. Is he willing to invest at least a year of meeting with a therapist 2-3 times per week to save your relationship? If not, what he says about how much he loves you is lip service only, and nothing more....no matter what he says to the contrary.
2. If you are willing to hand over control of your life to him (which is what you are talking about here) then you may have some happy moments with him in the future, but the agonizingly depressing, terribly lonely, sorrowful, frustrating, dangerous moments will far outweigh the happy.
3. If you make the decision to stand by him, then you forfeit all right to whine about how he treats you. No one will want to hear it, because you made your choice and must bear the consequences.
4. When he sees that you willing to put up with whatever he hands you, prepare to have the abuse escalate from just emotional to physical at some point. You teach people how to treat you. You've given him card blanc to treat you however he wishes, with no consequences....or only temporary consequences. His passive side will lessen while his aggressive side grows stronger and eventually know no bounds.
5. If you stay with him, be prepared for your family and friends to place more distance between you....until you become a complete outsider. Prepare to have him isolate you from everyone, leaving you totally dependent on him, with no one to support you.
6. If you have children together, expect them to grow up to be totally dysfunctional adults, so beaten down by their father that they are unable to deal with even the most simple of life's problems...scarred forever by their mother, who put her "love" for her husband above their welfare.
7. At the end of the day, if you choose this man, be prepared to become a very lonely old woman whose life is riddled with overwhelming regret, intense self loathing and mental health problems so severe they border on insanity.

But he's not THAT bad, you say. He can be charming at times, you protest. How can I write such things, you ask? Because you, my dear young woman, are an earlier version of my mother....and he a carbon copy of my father.

I wish you the strength to pull yourself up from the muck and mire of this relationship, realize you are worth so much more than this man, and break all ties with him. If you choose not to do that, then I wish you the strength to endure....because you will need it.

Intrigue

 
Old 08-15-2006, 11:38 AM   #12
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

I agree with Intrigue. My father was a full blown narcissist. For months on end he would use passive aggressive tactics to keep the family irate and confused. Then at other times he would use full on narcissistic tactics such as shouting, starting arguments, acting arrogant, inducing guilt and telling small lies as a way to stay in control. Very annoying and degrading thank god I don't have to be near him anymore.
But basically the narcissist father will ruin the family. And if the mother is narcissistic herself the family will be in even worse shape. And all the feelings you described is what I went though as a child and as a young adult. I had awful feelings of shame, regret, loneliness, and depression.....and had no coping mechanisms. The narcissist or passive aggressive maintains control of others by means of projective identification. They will let you feel their rage and anxiety because they are too superior to feel it themselves. I was easily hurt and offended by people at work or at school...and sometimes I still am. I went to therapist to therapist and neither of them really wanted to help me gain self esteem...it was a cold unforgiving mercyless world.....the best advice I found was in audiobooks...Dr. Phil, Lyanla, Louise Hay all offer practical advice for feeling stronger and being assertive. I found some peace in church and in exercise and dance.

Basically if you have passive aggressive or narcissistic parents you will teach your children to be weak and pitiful literally. Narcissists always will shame and degrade their children from having autonomy and intellect. It goes against the parents rules to be assertive and have control and make decisions.

Last edited by strongernow; 08-15-2006 at 11:50 AM.

 
Old 08-15-2006, 12:10 PM   #13
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by strongernow
People of the lie is a good book.
I agree.

 
Old 08-17-2006, 05:18 PM   #14
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

So his lies etc... will be more complex ? Well I tried to break it off a few days ago. He told me he did not want to he loved me and he wanted to be with me. It is so hard.. I mean it seems so easy to say just leave... just let him go. But when you are not living it... it is hard. Despite it all I do love him more than .. I can express. That is what hurts. I have sought counselling for this.. and everytime I feel as I will just loose it when I feel like OK I have to do this let him go. It is like an addiction . My family is already alinenating me.. my freinds. I mean they talk to me.. but not like before. I am a mess I feel like my life is falling apart when I think my God I will be without him. I think what the hell is wrong with me!!! I am an attractive smart 33 year old. I know I am a good person. Why would I be so hung up so drawn to him? Why is this so damn hard ? I feel like a child when I have to deal with this I feel weak and like my world will just come crashing down. I am so confused. Sometimes I wish I could just feel nothing .. numb... so I could just walk away. I know everyone is sick of hearing of this that I know.. I stopped talking about it long ago. I have 1 good freind she is my strength...she has been away for 2 weeks and since then I have seen my b/f. She will be back soon. But I know cause of this message board, my counsellor, deep down... I know I have to let go. But it hurts like hell... stupid maybe but it is how I feel. 3 years....I spent believe it or not he was way worse... he could not hold down a job, drank 7 days a week, was much worse as far as attitude. He has a job now for sometime.. is good @ it, has his own place, is more considerate. But as my cousellor puts it, he does the come here.. no go away treatment. When he is lonely and feels he has nothing or vulnerable he calls me. He says like a mother. He said he could get better if he wanted, but he has to want it. Which I understand. But he said he may never cause it means dealing with many skeletons.. which he has many. I know you guys are unbiased you don't know me or him which is why I posted. So I know you are right. I feel... I failed and very hurt.. cause I really do love him , you have no idea. I just need the strength... and stick to it. I am embarrassed to... I should know better. He says I always tell him how he feels. Well cause he never shares it.. so I come to my own conclusions. Thanks for all your input. It has helped.

 
Old 08-30-2006, 11:38 AM   #15
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Re: Anyone ever delt with a passive aggressive person ?

I know it is hard to pull away but you have to think long term what you want out of a relationship and realize you are not likely to get that in this one. You deserve better.

 
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