Lanugo

When I was around nine I was obsessively tidy and would know if anyone had been in my room-if even the slightest thing had been moved. I had to colour code my coathangers - red for school uniform and grey for after school clothes, and I chose to wear school uniform even though I didn't have to (crazy child)! I would cry at school if I was asked to do anything hard. I would miss out lines while I was reading because I was getting so stressed. I was scared to do anything new because I had (still have) the greatest fear of making a fool of myself. If I moved one leg I felt I had to move the other leg to "make it even" and I thought that I had special powers and that if my body was opened up it would be somehow different inside.
My early teens were a nightmare but I can't really decipher between the ordinary problems and the purely mental problems. By the time I was fourteen I'd identified that my moods ran in cycles going from the really upbeat productive times to the downright depressed and so on. Then when I was 16 I messed up in a big way. I went to the U.S. for a few months and ended up having a secret relationship with my 1st cousin - which was illegal (not in the U.K. though). When I came home I missed him and was devastated but my normal sadness turned into absolute hatred for myself thinking that I was sexually deviant, I blamed my sexual organs and wanted to cut them out. I drank so much and basically abused myself like I thought I deserved. I had bouts of depression until I was in my early twenties. Then I became obsessed with Sociology and got all psychotic - I just think of my poor ex-boyfriend when I think about that time-he must've loved me poor bloke!

Now I'm at the point where I'm trying to get seen by doctors in the mental health field and am waiting impatiently for my referral to come. I've tried antidepressants but they make me manic - especially citrophralm (spelling?), and this scares me and gives me strange thoughts and paranoia. I just need some proper help!!!

Sorry if this post is depressing but I'm currently really depressed!

I also worry for other people like me who can't afford help - people without healthcare in the US and people, like me, who have to rely on the national health service. At least I can afford to have the internet - I count it as a blessing.

What else can I do?!

SJ x