Cltool9

hi i'm 21 and almost exactly a year ago i was hospitalized for intrusive thoughts of homicide and suicide and i'm just not like that, i also had paranoia, delusions, depression, and a feeling that nothing at all was real, that everything was part of my imagination, and that i was the only real being, and other times i felt like an outside observer of my body like i couldn't control what i was doing, like i didn't exist, i was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder not to long ago, and recently i've been feeling very lethargic, hopeless and majorly depressed, i've been having bouts of paranoia every now and then, i'd say maybe once every 2 days, and my anxiety has been like a roller coaster, i am currently on the medications, seroquel, risperdal, zoloft and xanax.

all of this is concerning me, starting with the lethargy, and feeling like i should be out somewhere doing something to better my life but i just can't, everytime i've tried to do something a symptom kicks in and i feel like my life is never going to change and i get depressed and start thinking i'll always be this way and i'll never be able to do anything with my life, and i don't tell my friends because i don't trust them to believe me, i just sit around in my house being depressed and sleeping most of the days, then sometimes the intrusive thoughts start up again, (one for example is being afraid that i'm going to become possessed by a demon)
i've been isolating my self from friends and have been very untrusting of people for about 2 months now.

i feel much better doing this rather than speaking to my friends because i fear they don't believe me and will persecute me for it.

i've had this weight on my shoulders for a while, i'm glad i found this site so i could finally get somethings off my chest, so maybe if someone has or is having a similar experience i'd like to hear about it so i don't feel so alone in the world, and maybe some advice would be useful.

anyway thanks to those who read this.