She's 20 years old and doesn't talk. - Mental Health Message Board

longhairgothboi · 02-07-2007, 03:53 PM

I posted this on yahoo answers, but wanted to ask on a real health board. My girlfriend had a very bad childhood. Her father was abusive and her mom died when she was young. I've known her since she was five-years-old, and she does talk to me a bit, as well as talking to my 11-year-old son, and her 4-year-old daughter. But even with us, she speaks quietly and fidgets while she talks. Her eyes will dart around instead of making contact. When it comes to strangers, she's completely silent. When she absolutely has to say something, she turns bright red, stammers and is basically inaudible. She stammers and speaks too slowly. She says she also begins to feel dizzy when it's happening. I took her online to a message board (gaia online, she liked the little charaters and I thought the socialization would help.) thinking that if she couldn't see the other people she's talking to, it might be different. But when she goes to post, she still turns a bit pink, and she'll type her response and then delete it, then edit it, etc, until she either gives up or just posts a smilie. So she does at least express herself through the smilies, but it's definitly not the result I was hoping for, and I'm not sure if that is making it too easy not to use her words. She has made a sort of friend there, but she still has only used smilies to communicate outside of telling the other girl her name.

The thing is, I know there's this beautiful bubbly girl inside, and it's really hard to watch her stay locked up like this. I'm sure it's much more difficult for her, and I can only imagine what she's going through. I've taken her to see two therapists, and one said she was just shy and pretty much wrote it all off, and the other told me I was wasting my time because she wouldn't talk to him, and he couldn't help her if she didn't.

I guess what I want to know is if anyone else is going through something like this, and can anyone offer some ideas to help her?

firenice · 02-07-2007, 11:19 PM

I have some questions....
Does she work or go to school? What does she do during the day and if she does work or school, how does she handle that? She has a four year old daughter? And she's 20?

The symptoms you describe seem like partly social anxiety and partly post traumatic stress. As unorthodox as it might sound, I would recommend a very quiet soothing evening during which you massage her feet, her scalp, and her hands. This kind of healing touch is communication and can be very supportive and comforting. You might find she begins to relax and feel safe enough to speak more, at least to you.

She's going to need to want to overcome these symtpoms and she'll then need to work at it. But, that won't happen until she feels safer and more comfortable within herself and with her close friends. Try the massage. Quiet room, subdued lighting, very soft calming even trance inducing music - some massage oil with essence of lavender should be used. She may fall asleep! And that's ok. Do it several times a week and in a few weeks you should be able to see if it's helping.

Sannah · 02-08-2007, 08:03 AM

Hey longhair, you sound like a very caring bf! I used to blush and hate to receive attention. If she is getting dizzy I wonder if she is disassociating. Her dad must have really beat her down. Blushing is just shame about yourself. When I blushed and hated attention I did because I felt pretty worthless and I didn't want others to see how worthless I was. If she can work on her self worth by understanding how it got so low from her father's treatment and then understand that he was very wrong, maybe she can accept that she has value. She probably also has boundary problems and doesn't feel that she can protect herself from others. If a person feels worthless and that they cannot protect themselves, they don't feel very strong. I feel that a person needs to feel strong and secure about themselves in order to go out in the world and interact with others. She also could probably benefit from learning some social skills. Keep us posted.

AubShot · 02-08-2007, 11:37 AM

my mom is a elementary school counselor and she has had 3 specific children, in her 30 years of teaching ( 2 of them this year). That sound exactly like your girlfriend. They have selective mutism. Meaning the can talk, however, they choose not to. I did have the chance to meet one of them. She will talk at home, but never ever at school or other social events. It's VERY VERY hard to get them to talk. it took my mom all 5 years of elementary school to get one girl to say "yes" to a meal at McDonalds. HOWEVER i don't suggest you give up on your gf. It was my moms experience with me, that led her to sympathize with these children. I was never as bad as them, or your gf. However I do have social anxiety, and have a VERY difficult time coming face to face with people. It's really tough. I also grew up in a pretty abusive home. And it's difficult to express when you want something or need something, because you were always scared to as a child. I am also wondering about the 4 year old daughter? In that case, was it a case of being taken advantage of? And if it was, it could definately see how it would be hard for her to speak to people, imagine the heartache shes had in the past, the lack of trust she has in peopple. I would also find a much more sympathetic counselor. Call ahead and make sure they know that shes selectively mute. I can almost guarentee, someone out there has dealt with it before. Experience is great... and I would think that a female therapist would be a better idea. Since she has had issues with men in the past. Shutting her in a room with a man and asking her to spill her guts about another man is probably pretty intimidating.

I know with me. i have SO much to express, but I don't know how to do that. I lack that ability and I bet your gf has so much to express and get off her mind and all you can do is support her. A lot of heartache has gone on and a lot of work will need to go through to help her get over it. I wish you luck and keep us updated...