During any time when I dwell on the past or any time I happen to think of something that reminds me of the past, I remember embarrassing moments from my past and have an uncontrollable reaction to them. Usually what happens is I will get lost in the memory, forget where I am, and start cussing, softly at first and then more intensely until I remember where I am. This can happen, depending on how my mind wanders, several times a day.
The cussing changes from episode to episode, although seemingly independent of the actual memory, but generally it is the same word or phrase repeated throughout a single episode. Almost always seems to be an insult or rebuke of myself in the memory.
I do not know how long I have had the problem, but I have been living with it for quite some time. I don't think people have taken any real notice, or at least I have not been told that they have, probably because I have less time to reflect when in public, as opposed to the shower or my bed where it occurs most of the time. When it does happen in public either I stop myself before getting too loud or else people seem to think I hurt myself, just remembered something I forgot to do, etc.
Because of this I decided not to worry about it. However today I did something that made me think perhaps I should see if there is actually something wrong. These episodes can and do occur non verbally occasionally. While writing an essay, for instance, I might have one and start typing swears into it. While chatting with friend online i will sometimes start to type but always catch myself before hitting enter. Today however I nearly sent one of these messages to a complete stranger. I caught myself after the first word, knowing that there would be a different word to follow it, but I had no idea what I was going to be following it with. What really hit home for me was that I was about to be taking out my aggression on an unsuspecting person for no reason and completely beyond my conscious control.
I was just wondering if someone here could give me some idea of what it might be, or atleast say whether its probably nothing or potentially serious. Thank you in advanced for any help.
Hey there. I think that it could be many things.. Maybe a type of PTSD response (post traumatic stress disorder) -
The human psyche is really complicated, and its amazing how/when/what way things can come out .. But it's actually pretty normal, the reason why it feels so not normal though is because it's not discussed that much in society, or people seem to have the attitude of "suck it up, deal with it, just move on, be strong, etc." -- and unfortunately that is the way of the world today, in general.
Which is frustrating, and sad!
Rest assured, you are not alone - actually you are probably alot less alone then you would imagine!
The first step to changing an unwanted behavior is acknowledging that it's there and that its not working for you. So for that, way to go !!
I would do some research - maybe look at self help books, or do some internet research. You can even try something like progressive muscle relaxation or deep breathing exercises (which help alot). If things continue on the same path - or get worse, I would definatly seek out help from a therapist, or a support group.