Hi, I'm new here....and I'm falling apart.
Just wanted to say hello to everyone here, and I guess reach out for some help/advice/understanding. I'm sorry, this is a long post so I won't be surprised if there aren't any/many replies, but at least it felt good writing it out.
I guess I'll start out with who I am and what I've dealt with in my twenty years. I grew up in a Christian home, going to the same church until I was ten years old when I guess my parents figured out that the church we were going to(which had become like my second home by then) was more like a cult that had too much control over everyone and bad motives. It was hard enough to deal with at ten years old being told that the people you grew up around and taught you things were actually "bad people", but right before this my best friend was diagnosed with Leukemia and I was dealing with that as well. She died only a few months later. I'm telling you that part so you can maybe understand where some of my trust issues stem from. When I was young I was taught to "trust god" and the people who were teaching me, but all of a sudden this god takes away my best friend; and the people teaching me "what's good and what's bad" turned out to be horrible people. My trust in god and in people started to fall apart, and then my body started falling apart on me, at age 11 I had to have major surgery on my spine. I never really dealt with my friend dying, I just remember that I couldn't cry because everyone was telling me how strong I was being and I didn't want to let them down. I started holding in my feelings from that time on. I had low self esteem growing up because my friends used to constantly make me feel ugly and point out what was wrong with me. Depression started hitting hard but no one else knew what was going on inside me. I just kept smiling on the outside because I didn't know how to tell anyone what I was feeling. My cousin killed himself when I was 13, which sent me further into the darkness of my mind. I realized how ugly life was, how bad things were, and I hated my body for not being beautiful and for needing different surgeries. I started cutting when I was 15 as a way to let out the sadness I was hiding, and as a way to punish myself for not being the person I wanted to be...and I hid my self injury from my friends and family as well. As far as they knew I really was the girl who was always laughing and helping people when she could...but that's not who I really was. Inside I wanted so much to leave this world and all of its ugliness, but I witnessed how horribly suicide affects families and I didn't want to put my family through it a second time. So I continued to suffer inside, using self injury as a way to let it out until that became an addiction. I started drinking and smoking when I was 16, and also have gone through- and continue to go through- spurts of bulimic tendencies and then not eating for days. My family eventually came to realize what was going on with me but they were never able to help out too much mainly because they didn't understand.
I started dating a 23 year old when I was 17 and we "fell in love"...we were together for a year when my trust and self esteem issues started affecting the relationship. I had constant feelings that he was cheating on me, or planning on doing something bad to me, even though he would tell me how much he loved me and how he would never do anything to hurt me. He helped me find a therapist who I could see once a week and try to work out my issues, but it was mainly based around our relationship. I saw my therapist for about 6 months and he had convinced me that I think irrationally and that my fears were simply fears. And I had started to correct my ways of thinking, but then I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me, lied to my face about it, and then found out that he had cheated on me off and on throughout our 2 year relationship. So my trust in people went out the window and I can't understand the difference between rational and irrational thinking, because the whole time my therapist was telling me I was having irrational thoughts and fears about my boyfriend, my boyfriend was doing exactly what I thought he was doing. We broke up and I stopped seeing that therapist and I've kind of just been getting by on my own since then.
I've had my up times where I can get through life without using these different escapes, but there always seems to be something that happens to bring me right back down into hell. I have my suicidal thoughts and scary close encounters but I'm not here for that (I know the rules here)... I met another guy last year and managed to put aside my fears enough to get close to him. We've been dating and we love each other, and the only things that seems to be wrong in our relationship are my fears that will always be there, and my problems with communicating my feelings.
When I first started dating him I was so happy...a happy that I had never felt before. But lately my mind has seemed to have gone crazy. There are some days where I look in the mirror for hours and dwell on all my flaws until I don't want to be around anyone (even him). I've tried to explain my feelings about myself and he doesn't understand, he thinks I'm "beautiful" and I get compliments from other people too, but I can't shake my feelings that I've had since I was young. I look at these girls in the media and I know that they are a REAL kind of beautiful, and I don't look like these girls..I find myself searching over every inch of my body just to see each flaw, just to throw it in my face, just to make myself realize how I will never feel like I'm good enough for anyone. I will never be able to be attractive enough for anyone and I will always despise what I see in the mirror no matter what words are whispered in my ear. My current boyfriend has never given me reason to think he would cheat on me, but sometimes I look at myself and I convince myself that it's just a matter of time before he realizes he could do better than me and leaves...and this just gets me upset and I start to get mad at myself and at him even, even though he hasn't done anything yet. That's usually what's going through my head when I start throwing up, or stop eating...I'm just trying to prevent the "unpreventable".
Then there are days when I just get so down for no reason at all. I just start crying and I feel so lonely, like the rest of the world is existing on the other side of a glass wall. I've lost interest in things that used to be exciting and fun. Even though my body screams for a break, there are times when I stay awake all night because horrible thoughts just burn through me and won't stop. There are times when I think "God, if I could only have a day to be by myself and breathe", but then that day comes and I spend it crying, or doing harmful things to myself because I feel lonely and I'm afraid of what my boyfriend's "really" out doing.
I'm just pretty stressed out..and I'm tired of feeling so much.