So Confused - Mental Health Message Board

Andromeda2007 · 08-04-2007, 10:41 PM

Hi,
I am new to the boards and thought maybe someone may be able to help.
I guess a brief history would be the easiest.

I had been divorced since 1991. I was a battered wife and charges were pressed and he was found guilty. This had been ongoing for four years and I thought would be done and over with in 1991.

Then three years ago I remarried to what seemed like a really nice, honest, caring person. I guess the doctors call it triggers and stress but I wound up having to see a therapist a year and a half ago and was diagnosed with PTSD and Anxiety. My husband became frustrated as I had trouble believing his stories and behavior as they seemed so similar to my ex at times. Names and phone numbers to girls found, stories not adding up, defensive when asked a question, extreme anger when did not have an answer, is controlling and doesn't think he is. So we separated for 6 months and reunited 8 months ago after I thought it was all me. Things began going downhill again and I began to see my therapist again. My husband has always been supportive and goes to a marriage counselor with me. Unfortunately I see so many signs of cheating but no concrete proof. I experienced this alot in my first marriage and it all came to be true I found out after the divorce. Not just one but many during the marriage. I have this same sinking feeling again but my husband swears he would never do this after all I have been through and instead gets very angry and sometimes scares me. He says this is the only way to get through to me. I don't agree with this and told him that it just reminds me more of the past.

The therapist has now said to add Abandonment Issues to the PTSD and Anxiety. Is this common? Evidently when I was younger my parents neglected me emotionally and placed adult duties on me when I was very young.

Here are my questions and maybe someone could help a little?

Can abandonment issues first show up in your 40's? I don't see a topic for it so wasn't sure where to post. Has anyone been diagnosed with it or knows alot about it?

Has anyone else ever felt that they can not believe anything their spouse says to them? There have been so many stories that unless I have proof he will make up stories that change constantly each time he tells them. I find this hard to live with and I feel insecure in the relationship. Is this the result of anxiety, PTSD or abandonment issues?

I really could use some advice as my husband who I used to talk to I don't trust anymore. I am sure there is a name for this also. If so does anyone know what it is? For now it is as if I numb myself to his stories and strange behavior. It seems easier than trying to get a straight answer or ask why anymore. I just feel so lost.

Callista · 08-05-2007, 08:40 PM

Can you ask for help in thinking about the facts rationally? What I mean is, if you're able to use your mind first and emotions second, you could be able to answer the question--Is he really cheating on you?--and, if the answer is "no", then to stop worrying about it. There are some techniques they can teach you to think about something without letting your feelings run away with you; for example, I learned to put down all the concrete facts (no opinions, just facts), and just look at them. That makes it easier to see clearly, when it's all written in front of you.

Re. Abandonment issues: Of course they can hit in your 40s, especially because your relationship with your husband is tense. Anyone in your situation would be afraid of being abandoned; it's quite natural. The "issues" part is just letting it rule you instead of the other way 'round, which I guess your therapist thinks you're doing.

Andromeda2007 · 08-07-2007, 03:07 AM

Thank you for the insight. While I believe the therapist may be correct on the abandonment issues I sat down and gathered all the facts. In doing this I realize that this is more than just a thought process or emotional but more of me living a life where I have tried to ignore the obvious for too long and tried to accept excuses for it. This in itself is where I think has caused alot of problems for me on the emotional front. By trying not to change my situation as it is now I am having to relive these facts over and over again with no resolution.

isitme · 08-07-2007, 04:31 PM

It is so easy to doubt/mistrust someone when you have been so badly mistreated in the past. There is a board for ptsd here, check it out. My major problem I could only describe as 'numb'. It was like an invisable wall would go up around me - so as never to be hurt by anyone, ever again. I doubted my hubby, not because I had reason to doubt, but because I was living the ordeal of the x from my past and emotions went wild! Staying in the present is a good place to start.