connundrum

I have to try and make this brief because my thoughts go in so many places. I am an abused person. I've been emotionally abused by my parents since I can remember, but didn't realize it was emotional abuse until about 10 years ago. I'm a woman in my late 50's who is STILL being hurt by my mother. My father passed away 10 years ago and I forgave him for much of the pain.

Without giving you my painful history, this is the latest incident and I think the last incident. As painful as it will be, I think that I have no choice but to sever with my 85 year old mother completely. That fills me with sadness, guilt, anger and depression.

My mother is a holocaust survivor. I give her lots of leeway for some bizarre behavior because of that. Yet, there is a real "syndrome" called "child of the survivor" syndrome whereby one sibling (child) is the scapegoat for all that has gone wrong in their lives. I am that scapegoat, although I never knew it. I just bought into their assesment of me as "bad, evil, trouble" and everything negative.

10 days ago I had an anaphylactic shock reaction to penicillin. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance with a code cart waiting as I lost my pulse and blood pressure. I am also a three time cancer survivor (thyroid). My mother, when informed by my S/O, pooh-poohed this incident as she pooh-poohed every time I was in Sloan Kettering getting treatment. Neither she nor my father EVER came to visit me in the hospital at Sloan Kettering, nor the 4 times I was in the hospital for lumpectomies. It's as if they didn't believe me.

When I passed out at the door of my home during the anaphylactic shock episode, I fell on my face and knocked out my front tooth. My horrific insurance provider is trying to NOT PAY for treatment and I'm horrified at being without a front tooth.

Knowing that I am getting an infection, and because it's a difficult financial time in my life, I pleaded with my mother to lend me some money to at least get a temporary tooth.

She not only REFUSED, she accused me of having my face bashed in by "criminal elements" (I'm NOT a criminal nor have I been except in her fantasy abetted by my hateful sisters) and she claimed that the story about why I went to the hospital was fabricated. I offered to send her the emergency room report and subsequently screamed at her about the abusive assumption based on NOTHING.

She now keeps "company" with an old man who is intrusive and controlling. He told her to NOT talk to me again and to hang up. I was so hurt I asked her how could she talk to me like that after I've been so sick and how could she allow a STRANGER whom she's known for only two years to have such influence. She told me that "he keeps her company" and that "he is very important to her" and that if he wants me OUT, I'm OUT!! Furthermore, she has a person who comes in at night to sleep in the spare bedroom so that she's not alone. This person is an illegal immigrant who steals from my mother. I have pleaded with my mother to come and live with me or let me find someone else to stay with her at night. She refuses. This illegal immigrant also does NOT like me because I've put her on notice that if she speaks badly to my mother or is caught doing anything wrong I will throw her out. This woman has given my mother an ultimatum that if she calls me at night she will NOT allow it.

My mother informed me, her daughter, that she's NO LONGER going to keep in touch with me because I LIE about my health (tears), and because the old man and the sleeping companion ARE IMPORTANT and I'm a bad person.

My mother has not called me for the last 3 days. She has called me every night for the last 35 years...but now, because she is WRONG in her assumption that I'm lying about my health she has decided to let an old man and an illegal alien dictate to her about my inclusion in her life.

I sit here horrified without a front tooth, feeling sick from the anaphylactic shock and feeling very upset, depressed and hurt by my mothers rejection over STRANGERS when I've done NOTHING but be an understanding daughter to her all my life. I'm the "bad" child...my two other sisters who gave her grandchildren of HELL and are married to monsters are "good". I persued a career and live with someone and never had children so I'm "bad". But, this has been going on since I was a child. I was NEVER good.

Now, I'm rejected for NO REASON.

I think I need to NEVER see her or talk to her again. The abuse has gone too far. If there is a GOD, she will answer.

For me...my rage is so intense at being wrongly accused and cast aside for strangers that I am in a severe depression.

I blame myself. I should have stopped this abuse YEARS AGO.

I feel so alone.