Worth Seeking Help/Treatment? - Mental Health Message Board

gulliver · 09-02-2007, 05:31 PM

Late in high school I was depressed for nearly a year. I never got it diagnosed because I knew people would think I was weird and up to that point I had been socially successful by my own gauge, but as anybody who has ever really suffered knows, there won't be any doubt when you've got it. I thought it was over a girl but in retrospect that would be pretty uncharacteristic of me so it is likely that it was a combination of other factors. I was happy like anybody else before that time, and after about a year the depression passed and I only got it off an on from then on. It's been a couple years now since I last had a temporary relapse. A year ago I had an anxiety attack that put me in the ER where I found out nothing was wrong. I was prescribed substitute Xanax but I don't take it because 1) discovering the artificial nature of my "attack" helped me realize any future attacks probably aren't genuine, and 2) I don't even know when to take it. I also probably have a lot of tics and OCD-related things going on, but those don't really bother me as much as my current problem:

I am totally unstimulated by anything in life, and I feel like I have no emotions. This is pretty much the way it's been since I "recovered" from the depression. I wouldn't say I'm depressed now, but my average mood is below "so-so" and I have vague feelings of discontent and desperation quite a bit. Hobbies and aspirations that I was once so passionate about now only hold the faintest of thrills for me. I can become happy and "real" again by taking LEGAL altering substances--usually caffeine--but I had to stop with the coffee, soda and energy drinks because I got so dependent I would have bad headaches the instant they wore off. If I drink alcohol I can feel okay again, but I also get angry and get the urge to fight people all the time if I drink. "Motivated anger," by the way, is maybe the only thing I can feel and usually then only when I am listening to metal and exercising in some way.

I am in college but I'm so unmotivated academically that I cannot pay attention in any class. It's all I can do to just show up. Everything feels like a self-imposed routine. There are things I know that I want--like a girlfriend--but since I can't effectively imitate emotion (can't smile or laugh or empathize on demand, if ever), the whole process feels contrived, like I'm from another planet trying to trick a girl into believing I'm human. I haven't exercised in awhile because I don't want to, I'm very low-energy and mellow, and my knee-jerk reaction is to turn people down if they invite me to a social or athletic function. I have to reluctantly force myself to show up if I accept. I care about almost nothing and nobody, I don't feel anything, I'm usually not excited or motivated about anything, and I just generally feel marginal all the time. Externally I think I have a lot going for me but that doesn't seem to be helping much. This is better than being depressed but I DEFINITELY don't want to go through the rest of my life like this; I feel like I'm spaced out or frozen in time while life keeps moving at warp speed.

What could this be? Is it worth seeking treatment for? If so, what kind, and are there any specific recommendations?

male2581 · 09-02-2007, 09:01 PM

Gulliver, It sounds like you may be suffering from depression although you may not feel overly depressed or depressed at all. Keep in mind that everyone gets depressed at some point in life, but depression is different than feeling depressed. It is essentially an illness as I suffer from it likely dut to my OCD. Your lack of interest in people, hobbies, and exercise as well as other things is a tell-tale symptom of depression. I know that it has become increasingly stigmatized in recent years, but have you ever given anti-depressants a try. They have helped a lot of people. Perhaps it's because after a while (from what I've read about 1 year or less) they can increase certain neurotransmiters such as seratonin back to original levels and the brain will adapt to that production thus medication will no longer needed once the brain adapts. My advice is to do some research, and to seek professional help. NEVER feel ashamed about this, EVER! Best of luck!

Kathrin74 · 09-03-2007, 11:26 AM

I agree, this sounds like depression to me too.
Lack of motivation and not being passionate about things you used to be passionate about are very typical symptoms.
Not feeling anything is kind of typical too. Depression isn't the same as sadness, it often is more like a perceived emptiness, like the absence of any kind of feeling.

Kathrin

gulliver · 09-03-2007, 06:13 PM

Thanks for the help, guys. There is a world of difference between the utter despair that I felt when the depression was acute and what it is like now, but I guess you're right: it sounds like a milder manifestation of the same thing.

Where should I go from here? I think I'm too busy and of too humble means to be able to afford any kind of prolonged therapy, and I would feel weird about taking any type of medication, but if gets the job done I would most certainly be willing to entertain the latter option. Are there any particular recommendations, or similar experiences or advice you can provide?

Kathrin74 · 09-04-2007, 11:33 AM

I think the best thing would be to talk to your doctor, or a psychiatrist.

kathrin