cantbebothered

I've never really talked to anyone about my feelings or looked for medical help, probably because I'm worried about stigma. I'll list what I think are my problems.

1-I'm now in my 30's and I've never felt comfortable in social settings. I always feel like i'm surplus to requirements. I stay in the background, and feel uncomfortable when i'm the focus of attention. If there's a camera present, I hate having my picture taken as I have a poor self image of myself. If asked to go to a party, I always say yes, then try to come up with an excuse to get out of it. I'm no good with confrontations, so I just agree to go out.

2- I have a very low sense of self worth. I have a university degree, but the only 2 times when i've taken a job suitable for my qualifictions, I have left, as I feel incapable of coping with responsibility. I feel like a fake.

3- I have tried to harm myself, and continually think about doing this, not for the attention of others, but so I can shirk social responsibilities. I feel if i'm incapitated, people will not expect anything of me, and I will be left alone. I badly broke my ankle several months ago(accidently, not by intention), and had to have a plate put in, and for a time, I had an excuse to avoid people as I couldnt get about. lately, all I can think of is how to repeat the injury or create a worse one. When I try to rationalize this thought process, I feel even worse about myself. I have tried to injure my self in the past by crashing my car into a tree, but always veer away at the last minute. Then I pull my car into a layby and cry, both at waht I have just tried to do, and also because I couldnt carry it out. I must stress at this point, i'm not and have never been suicidal, I just want an excuse to be left alone.

4- I have never had a relationship. I feel unworthy and dont think anyone would want me, or deserve to be with a loser like me. I can strike up conversations with people and have a work relationship, but I can not do the normal things like chatting some one up or even asking them out for a date. I tell myself I'm better off alone, and for periods of time this works, at others it makes me feel bad that i'm such a loner.

5- I dont feel like I belong any where in the real world. I dont like working with other people, as I have to keep up the pretence that I'm like every one else, when deep down I feel like I dont fit. I have only held one job down for more than a year, but i eventually left. I told my boss I was to stressed, I was a shop manager at the time. This was really hard, as here I thought I was starting to be a part of something, but eventualy my low self esteem and confidence made me want to avoid my work place. I manufactured illness and injured myself so i could stay at home. This always made me feel worse in the long run, as a sense of self loathing always follows these occurrences. I'm scared at the moment as I have been trying to injusre myself again. Eventually I'll succeed, and I know I'll feel worse when I do.

I dont know if I want help, or i'm just here venting my feelings, but if you have felt the same, please tell me how you cope, cause lately coping is getting more difficult. I'm becoming more of a hermitt, and if i suceed in harming myself, i'll become even more isolated. My family and friends dont even know how i feel inside, as I'm to ashamed to admit my feelings to them. I take each day at a time, and so far have stopped myself doing anything stupid, but my reslove isnt great, and i'm worried and stressed. I could write a book on the gamut of emtions and problems I feel bother me, but this is a brief synopsis into my life.

I'm sorry to bother you guys, but if you know where i'm coming from, any advice would be nice. thank you in advance.