living in my own private hell - Mental Health Message Board

fisbie · 09-27-2007, 07:50 AM

I have been having mental health issues for about 4yrs know.

I hear voices that i think people i am with at have said to me and they really havn't.
I think every one is after me and would love to see me dead.
the voices just me so crazy at time to the point it really hurts my head and all i see is darkness and feel like i am being sucked into the darkness.
Along with i feel i see no light or peace and it's the most lonely and empty feel always, as people just can't understand what it is like to live with. I have inthe past tried to kill myself just to stop the pain of living with this and though i am on medication by doctors and speak to people about this it still never really goes away.
The doctor have said i have major depression, PSTD and aniety
I know try to stay away from people and i really don't like crowds and really have no trust or faith in people or the world i like in.
I do have a counsellor and thought i go to every appointment each time i go and we talk about things in order to clear my head each time, i'm the and we work on these issues i feel myself going back to the darkness and there i see myself hanging from a tree, not moving and it seem a state of real peace and harmony.
Also because of this my mental health i have lost my kids.
I also have been assulted twice once wear i was almost stabbed and second where i had blood squired on my face.
I also found that there always seem not much in the way of understanding or help with from nomal GP Doctors. I know there are people out there that have had it worse than me, that i understand. alass i still live with this each and every day of my life. I also have it in my sleep mightmares where i feel i am under thret and not safe and wakeup in fear. my partner say i am always talking in my sleep and morning i awake feel like i have just been in a battle of wars.
At this point live really has very little happiness.
I also know this drive my family crazy with worry and my partner.
in my childhood i also was sexual abused and had i very hard time growing up. I really wonder if there will be any end to my mental illness and the pain it is for me to face each day and knight 24/7, with that seem no end in sight. Hope someone can understand this in someway or is maybe living life like i do.
as so many people just do not understand because they have never lived it or are still living it. a live of a private hellish hell

Nexis · 09-27-2007, 09:08 AM

I am very sorry all the things you have dealt with in your past and wish to reach out to you when I read your post...

You have the right to vent and explain your situation; your life growing up was violated and your autonomy as a child stripped from your experience due to your childhood trauma... No one should have to go through such things, and you have the right to feel angry, betrayed, and isolated because of such experiences, and how they affect and limit your life now because of the past...

Now, are you seeing a psychiatrist? You said your GP doesn't understand and was wondering if they are the ones giving you meds for your mental health conditions...

How is the counselor addressing your concerns and limitations? Are they teaching you coping skills both socially and mentally?

Have you tried or heard of EMDR? If so has that helped?

If you wish to explain to the readers what kind of therapy and meds you are taking or what you feel is not working, that can help to address what your goal is, step by step...

There are more specific boards here regarding mental health such as PTSD and anxiety, so you can also address those specific conditions that you are experiencing on those boards...

Yes, its a long and daunting processes, and I hope others on this board can provide their input from their own experiences...

Xant · 09-27-2007, 11:25 AM

Fisbie, I feel your pain. My daughter has the same thing. She had a severe psychotic episode last year that ended up with her in ER because of the voices.

She is now on Seroquel and stable. It really doesn't sound to me like you are medicated? Or that you aren't taking enough?

As for no one being able to understand, you would really be surprised at just how many people suffer from this! About one in thirty will have some sort of episode with voices/visual hallucinations in their lifetime - about one in one hundred live with it daily, so you aren't alone

AnnD · 09-27-2007, 11:31 AM

I am sorry for all your anguish. It doesn't sound like your medications are adjusted properly or the right kind/combination. Have you been an in-patient before to have your medicines adjusted?

fisbie · 09-27-2007, 07:09 PM

i was on seroquel along with a antidressant called zolfot and they went fine at first, but them i started to have side effects so i came of the zolfot and because i am not a inpatent and the normal GP can not out percriptions for seroguel my GP has just put me on zyprexa 5mg per day where with seroquel i was on 200mg a day