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Old 09-27-2007, 06:50 AM   #1
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Exclamation living in my own private hell

I have been having mental health issues for about 4yrs know.

I hear voices that i think people i am with at have said to me and they really havn't.
I think every one is after me and would love to see me dead.
the voices just me so crazy at time to the point it really hurts my head and all i see is darkness and feel like i am being sucked into the darkness.
Along with i feel i see no light or peace and it's the most lonely and empty feel always, as people just can't understand what it is like to live with. I have inthe past tried to kill myself just to stop the pain of living with this and though i am on medication by doctors and speak to people about this it still never really goes away.
The doctor have said i have major depression, PSTD and aniety
I know try to stay away from people and i really don't like crowds and really have no trust or faith in people or the world i like in.
I do have a counsellor and thought i go to every appointment each time i go and we talk about things in order to clear my head each time, i'm the and we work on these issues i feel myself going back to the darkness and there i see myself hanging from a tree, not moving and it seem a state of real peace and harmony.
Also because of this my mental health i have lost my kids.
I also have been assulted twice once wear i was almost stabbed and second where i had blood squired on my face.
I also found that there always seem not much in the way of understanding or help with from nomal GP Doctors. I know there are people out there that have had it worse than me, that i understand. alass i still live with this each and every day of my life. I also have it in my sleep mightmares where i feel i am under thret and not safe and wakeup in fear. my partner say i am always talking in my sleep and morning i awake feel like i have just been in a battle of wars.
At this point live really has very little happiness.
I also know this drive my family crazy with worry and my partner.
in my childhood i also was sexual abused and had i very hard time growing up. I really wonder if there will be any end to my mental illness and the pain it is for me to face each day and knight 24/7, with that seem no end in sight. Hope someone can understand this in someway or is maybe living life like i do.
as so many people just do not understand because they have never lived it or are still living it. a live of a private hellish hell

 
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Old 09-27-2007, 08:08 AM   #2
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Re: living in my own private hell

I am very sorry all the things you have dealt with in your past and wish to reach out to you when I read your post...

You have the right to vent and explain your situation; your life growing up was violated and your autonomy as a child stripped from your experience due to your childhood trauma... No one should have to go through such things, and you have the right to feel angry, betrayed, and isolated because of such experiences, and how they affect and limit your life now because of the past...




Now, are you seeing a psychiatrist? You said your GP doesn't understand and was wondering if they are the ones giving you meds for your mental health conditions...

How is the counselor addressing your concerns and limitations? Are they teaching you coping skills both socially and mentally?


Have you tried or heard of EMDR? If so has that helped?



If you wish to explain to the readers what kind of therapy and meds you are taking or what you feel is not working, that can help to address what your goal is, step by step...

There are more specific boards here regarding mental health such as PTSD and anxiety, so you can also address those specific conditions that you are experiencing on those boards...

Yes, its a long and daunting processes, and I hope others on this board can provide their input from their own experiences...

Last edited by Nexis; 09-27-2007 at 08:13 AM.

 
Old 09-27-2007, 10:25 AM   #3
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Re: living in my own private hell

Fisbie, I feel your pain. My daughter has the same thing. She had a severe psychotic episode last year that ended up with her in ER because of the voices.

She is now on Seroquel and stable. It really doesn't sound to me like you are medicated? Or that you aren't taking enough?

As for no one being able to understand, you would really be surprised at just how many people suffer from this! About one in thirty will have some sort of episode with voices/visual hallucinations in their lifetime - about one in one hundred live with it daily, so you aren't alone

 
Old 09-27-2007, 10:31 AM   #4
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Re: living in my own private hell

I am sorry for all your anguish. It doesn't sound like your medications are adjusted properly or the right kind/combination. Have you been an in-patient before to have your medicines adjusted?

 
Old 09-27-2007, 06:09 PM   #5
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Re: living in my own private hell

i was on seroquel along with a antidressant called zolfot and they went fine at first, but them i started to have side effects so i came of the zolfot and because i am not a inpatent and the normal GP can not out percriptions for seroguel my GP has just put me on zyprexa 5mg per day where with seroquel i was on 200mg a day

 
Old 09-27-2007, 06:42 PM   #6
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Re: living in my own private hell

ok the counsellor is at the monet teaching me to breath and relax at this point.The phyc is trained in drepression PTSD and aniety. Yes my GP is handling my medication as a in patient i was on 200mg zolfot per day and 200mgs of seroquel per day, but about mid july i started to have side effect from these medications. So my GP put me on edornax 4mg per day but at the time i thought she dad said 18mgs per day but i know know it was the voices telling me this, so now my GP told me no 4mgs and also i am taking 5mg per day of zyprexa. the hardest thing with the abuse is that when i final told my parents about they believed that it was my fault and i was to blame not the other persons that did this I was about 20yrs when i first spoke of this and still today i am to blame in my step fathers eyes and partly in my mothers eyes as my mum makes it clear she doesn't want the police to get involved. I guess the reason for this is it will make waves in the family again because i also found out some time ago know that my daughter was also abused and i had charges laid on this person and my mother had made it quiet clear that the only reason i had done this was to a pay back for what had also happened to me and that i was making there life hell and how could i do this to her son.
I thank you for your input about the PTSD talkboards i did look for one at first, but i could not find it. Use see i am know at the point of going of to a trial inorder to get my son back, as when i ended back in hospital which was about this time last year my ex of 8yrs decided to take me to court inorder to stop me from having my son back in my care. though i know i am capible of looking after my son, he want other wise. It just feels like my heart is being ripped out more because of this i love my son so much and in lots of ways he help me to stay focesed and not being allowed to have my son back in my care. It seems to me that i'm being punshed for was the assult on myself with the siringe of blood for six months i had to have test done wondering if was going to get aids or hep b an c and when i came out of the hospital last year my mother told me that i was suppost to have the test for twelve months, but i didn't know this, but i know no i am clear. at the end of the day i truly love my son and just want to beable to have my son back and be allowed to be his mum once again.

Last edited by fisbie; 09-29-2007 at 05:27 AM.

 
Old 09-27-2007, 06:59 PM   #7
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Re: living in my own private hell

Yes i was a in patient, but not for reajusting my medication as i was not on my medication when i went in to hospital. was put into the hospital because i had another breakdown because the police had come back staying that they had court the person that had squired the blood on in 2004 i couldn't cop with reliving the it again and also as the police where qute push about be iding the person in a line up everything i went through came like hitting brick wall full on and hard, but know i am to never come of meds again, or though i would love to have a life free of pills so i can get through that day. Yes i also think my meds are not right and don't work for me, I have gone to the my local GP and talked to them about this and they have put me on more tablets, so i guess we shell see how thses once plus the anitdressants go. I know am taking 2 different types of drug in order to keep me stable.

Last edited by fisbie; 09-27-2007 at 07:04 PM.

 
Old 09-28-2007, 06:58 AM   #8
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Re: living in my own private hell

Fisbie, that molestation wasn't your fault. Your parents are wrong.

 
Old 09-29-2007, 05:14 AM   #9
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Re: living in my own private hell

yeah i know and still it doesn't make it any easyer. I think at the end of the day my parents just didn't really want to know about what happened or for me to lay charges on them and even if i did have charges laid. I know i would just corse the family more pain. I so know i will always be one feeling like it was my own fault to corse more pain and it will never change the fact. know one thing though that the day it is my time to leave this earth i will be glad, cos them i will feel no more pain or feel like it was my fault. I will never get my childhood back. When any bad thing happens to people it changes you in someway. But Thats Life

Last edited by fisbie; 09-29-2007 at 05:22 AM.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 07:20 AM   #10
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Re: living in my own private hell

Fisbie, I don't understand parents like that. Yes, bad things do affect us. You don't get your childhood back but you can get your life back. This is what I did.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 11:27 PM   #11
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Re: living in my own private hell

I 've tried that, but it was only about two weeks ago that my parents let me know that they are still in favor or supporting the people that adused me as a child. So you see i feel i am still made to pay for what they did to me all thoses yrs ago. What makes it harder is that I am currently going to a councellor for PTSD and i just don't need anymore presser up on me to or ever. I am almost at the point telling my parents to go away and never speak to me again untill you stop making feel it was my fault for the abuse. it really hurts me, it feels like i'm being kicked back down again.

Last edited by fisbie; 10-01-2007 at 11:32 PM.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 11:52 PM   #12
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Re: living in my own private hell

Fisbie, your parents are being cruel and unreasonable. If you need to cut them out of your life to help you get better, then do it. It will be their loss and maybe one day they will understand just what they are doing with this cruelty, but you need to think of yourself now.

I hope you can get through this quickly and get your son back. Let us know how things go.

*hugs*

Xant

 
Old 10-02-2007, 11:21 AM   #13
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Re: living in my own private hell

Dear fisbie,

You are the only one that matters at this point.

You are no good to others unless you are first good to yourself.

Forget your parents for now and try to focus on the things that are necessary for you to have a better quality of living.

Take care and God Bless.

Phoenix
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Old 10-03-2007, 03:37 AM   #14
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Re: living in my own private hell

yeah i know, though it would help if i had my parents support. Because i do love my parents. The idea of feeling normal i wonder if that will be only a dream, because even though i'm doing counselling i still know with all the bad things that has happened in my life. I still have been changed for, life and the more bad things that happen changes me still. It's like having a piece of me is griped out for good. It's hard thing to get my head around it all. *** confusing***to the point it really hurts and it feel my head is just being dune in more.

Last edited by fisbie; 10-03-2007 at 03:43 AM.

 
Old 10-04-2007, 01:10 AM   #15
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Thumbs down Re: living in my own private hell

I can understand suicide and wanting to commit suicidal acks. i feel like that most days, with all mental issues and ptsd and the voices i hear cos sometime i think that is what people want me to do is just ended it and they will be free of me. Sometimes i think the voices i from other people that speak to me that is what they really want me to do. I also often wonder if i was not alive then i would feel no pain and i would be totaly free of people trying to kick me back down into the gutter right where they want me to be. I know i would have no more worries and being dead seems strangle comforting and a true friend. As being alive only seems to be like living in hell anyways. I am not affraided of dieing. I know older people get to that point where the are ready to meet there maker and oddly enough i feel that way to. I also know i would no longer be burden on my family, friends and not friends. I would not have put up with people wanting kick me back down into the gutter until i was truly dead, and living just seems more painful than anything else in the world. feels like damned if you do and damned if you don't. there seems so many people out there, that you put your trust in and they use it as a weapon to hurt you with. Know one can really understand what it feels like to be living a world of a private hell. I seem normal to other people and even if you speak to someone about it and they just either brush it of or think your a nutter and even doctors seem to speak less of it and just put it al down to stress. mental health is not stress and nor is ptsd or aniety. It's a lonely and mean cruel world out there and some can take it and some can't. The people who have died by there own hand are the ones that have been mist and lost or brushed of and kicked back down into the gutter over and over again until they see no possitive future or ended in sight. So the people that brush of depressed people in need of help or just a ear they can feel connected to something positive. YOU MAY HAVE JUST STOP SOMEONE FROM COMMITING SUICIDE AND YOU DON'Tor DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT. ALL IT TAKE IS A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME AND A EAR AND SOMEONE CARING ENOUGH TO MAKE THEM THINK, HEY YEAH LIVING IS NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL and that cost you nothing other than some of your time. PEOPLE THAT WALK AWAY, WELL THEIR they are just to busy thinking of themself to care anyways.

Last edited by fisbie; 10-04-2007 at 01:20 AM.

 
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