spacecake

Hey,
Well Im 15 and the main reason I'm posting this is because I DON'T have the guts to tell anyone (Mainly my parents or GP) about myself. Its complicated and a long story. But i've decided that I do want help, but want to seek advice anonymously first. Ill start right from the beginning.

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Well a few months ago i was diagnosed with a low self esteem (This is as much as my parents know). What they don't know is that i've also been smoking marijuana recreationally for a year now, and went through a very brief period of ecstasy taking (I have not consumed more than 11 pills at the most).

Thankfully i've stopped, but since then i've suffered anxiety problems, slight hallucinations and sleeping problems; whenever im alone in my room and i turn the lights off i feel as if my body is "Falling apart" and that im turning into someone else. My blood starts pumping faster and I shake. Even stranger, most of the time I feel like im turning into a girl. Just this by itself bothers me. Though this feeling can "turn me on", I know that im not gay, and pretty sure i am heterosexual but it damages my confidence around girls. However, I can normally shake it off and get out of bed. Id normally be sweating, and wouldnt be able to get back to sleep. I would normally turn the lights on, and sit there anxious and paranoid looking around incessantly.

With the hallucinations... Well theyre normally random things, not voices in particular, things like loud beeping noises and once, the chorus of monkeys. I also have sever depression periods in which i think of harming myself.

My parents have bee nsaying that I have been acting really lazy recently, that I dont seem motivated and that my speech can be erratic and sometimes slurred. I also find it harder to socialise than i used to. I fell people are really critical towards me, even if theyre not.

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Well that sums it all up. Theres more background, but I wont go into much detail about that. Im scared that if i tell my GP about this, drugs taking will go down on my medical record. Another important point would be that, part of my personality, I always feel self critical and that theres something wrong with me. Could this be the case? That I feel a constant guilt, or really do believe that I'm mentally unstable?

Any help is greatly appreciated.