Well Im 15 and the main reason I'm posting this is because I DON'T have the guts to tell anyone (Mainly my parents or GP) about myself. Its complicated and a long story. But i've decided that I do want help, but want to seek advice anonymously first. Ill start right from the beginning.
Well a few months ago i was diagnosed with a low self esteem (This is as much as my parents know). What they don't know is that i've also been smoking marijuana recreationally for a year now, and went through a very brief period of ecstasy taking (I have not consumed more than 11 pills at the most).
Thankfully i've stopped, but since then i've suffered anxiety problems, slight hallucinations and sleeping problems; whenever im alone in my room and i turn the lights off i feel as if my body is "Falling apart" and that im turning into someone else. My blood starts pumping faster and I shake. Even stranger, most of the time I feel like im turning into a girl. Just this by itself bothers me. Though this feeling can "turn me on", I know that im not gay, and pretty sure i am heterosexual but it damages my confidence around girls. However, I can normally shake it off and get out of bed. Id normally be sweating, and wouldnt be able to get back to sleep. I would normally turn the lights on, and sit there anxious and paranoid looking around incessantly.
With the hallucinations... Well theyre normally random things, not voices in particular, things like loud beeping noises and once, the chorus of monkeys. I also have sever depression periods in which i think of harming myself.
My parents have bee nsaying that I have been acting really lazy recently, that I dont seem motivated and that my speech can be erratic and sometimes slurred. I also find it harder to socialise than i used to. I fell people are really critical towards me, even if theyre not.
Well that sums it all up. Theres more background, but I wont go into much detail about that. Im scared that if i tell my GP about this, drugs taking will go down on my medical record. Another important point would be that, part of my personality, I always feel self critical and that theres something wrong with me. Could this be the case? That I feel a constant guilt, or really do believe that I'm mentally unstable?
Street drugs can stay in your body for a good period of time and some people have a residual effect that might stir up some odd behaviours. A lot of what you are describing can be summed up between depression and just growing up. If it is depression it needs to be addressed especialy if you are having thoughts of self harm or suicide. I am pretty sure the only people that can access your medical records is you, your parents up to a certain age and other doctors so don't be worried about that. But do go see your doctor or a school counselor to discuss the other issues.
Most of the things you've had are very similar to me. I'm sixteen.
I've done drugs too (the ones you have) and I stopped those months ago.
I also have insomnia as well as anxiety and slight paranoia. It's worse when I get to sleep.
Do you feel tearful most of the time?
I went to my doctor yesterday and he's put me on medication, as well as referring me to a therapist.
I would advise you to do the same. What you discuss with your GP it totally confidential, and your parents don;t have to know if you don't want them to. You shouldn't worry about talking to your GP, doctors should be the last people to judge you like that.
I'm 22 and have been smoking pot for several years and have come to realize some of the effects that it has on my mentality. Although it does help me relax, it makes me feel like a schizophranic sometimes. I believe that smoking is causing some of your problems. It opens my mind up and helps me think on another level but it also makes me draw back into myself. I become less social and more of a loner. I feel like my mind cannot focus on one thing for a long time and I am very scatter brained. It has caused my mind to be cloudy and it is difficult for me to think sharply and also remember anything, even what I was just thinking about. It definitely is demotivating and reduces my energy and strength. In order to counteract some of this, I found that doing yoga has helped my energy and thought process. I would suggest that you cut back on smoking and really take some mental notes on how it affects your mind differently. You need to give your brain a break and some fresh air. I would also suggest that you do some sort of exercising or sports. This can help build your confidence and health spiritually, mentally, and physically.
Also about your own thoughts, it is perfectly normal to think crazy things about yourself so don't get caught up on it because you will come out of. Try to understand the real reason behind your thinking. Just make sure that your sanity does not affect your actions in a dangerous way so be cautious. Please take care of yourself! Best of luck! Some good advice: Don't worry because every little thing is gonna be alright!