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Old 11-02-2007, 04:01 PM   #1
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Desmond1990 HB User
Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Okay, I ramble too much so, I'm just going to bullet point my thoughts/condition:
-Talking to myself in my head for about 7 years, bad enough that I sometimes can't get to sleep because I will not be quiet, I'm not an insomniac. (I'm guessing this is common). I often make hand gestures whilst I talk to myself.
-I talk about any subject and discuss (with myself) various opinions about that subject.
-For the last few (4-5) years, I've suffered from depression for periods of about 3 months (usually, starting at the end of September). These periods appear to be 'scheduled' in the late months of the year.
-This years period of depression has recently started.
-Every year this depression gets worse. I keep telling myself to "hang in there" until the depression finally passes.

I (think) am depressed because I think I'm a horrible person. I hate so many things, and I despise so many people. During depression, I hate myself more and more, which eventually leads to suicidal thoughts. This usually leads to me going home everyday, to continue "planning it" with myself (it's literally, all I do for the last few weeks). I'm not religious, and I consider my self to be an intelligent person. I doubt I'll get anywhere in life because I hate the world too much, and I'm always too lazy to do anything about a career (I know I'll eventually take my own life. I feel like I should enjoy the time I have left). I'd like to be an even more intelligent person when I'm older, but I doubt that I'll be able to afford tuition fees, which is a fact that I'm learning to live with. All I want is to know things... And I feel like everyone else cannot understand that... so I talk to myself, we understand each other.

Anyway, though I'm a horrible person, I don't want to go near my friends. Not only because I hate them, but because I love(like/respect) them. Everyone that I love, I want to protect from my hate. It's confusing. I know that I'm a kind, thoughtful person, but I'm horrible as well.

I got very angry today at something really stupid, and snapped at my dad (a VERY little snap, which KNOW that he didn't mind). But when I came to sit with myself in my room afterwards, I was uncomfortable. I didn't want to be in the same room as myself. Whenever I've tried talking to myself, I'm talking to him/me feeling like I'm annoyed, and like I don't want to talk. I think he's/I'm sorry about snapping, and that he/I just got a little bit angry. I'm SO annoyed, and confused. I'm usually an extremely calm person, I'M never angry. Anyone that I 'hate', I pity for being hated. And, the person I actually hate is therefore myself.

I think I'm also down because I have no girlfriend, and I am depressed by a feeling that getting a girlfriend is completely 100% impossible, I doubt I'll even kiss a girl. (I think I hate females even more than males (I'm very, very sorry to say that), but I'm still attracted (yet barely) to females), I have no job (I don't need money if I'm going to die, eventually). Also, I feel like the one person who I knew best (the person who I try to be like - myself) is suddenly the person that I hate the most.

I don't see myself as a pessimistic, but as a realistic person.

I thought I should try to fix things now, before I cease to care.

I'm not using drugs, and I feel like a really disrespectful person; whining about my stupid feelings, when some people have had a really awful life, and real reasons to feel depressed. I'm also really sorry for this colossal post, but is this feeling of two contradicting thoughs, and the way that I talk to myself normal? As for my depression, I'm looking at 'cures' on various websites.

Last edited by Desmond1990; 11-02-2007 at 05:57 PM.

 
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Old 11-02-2007, 11:04 PM   #2
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Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Desmond!

Get hold of yourself!

I can see you're from the UK, and I can't suggest where you can get help, but you need help badly.

You are not a horrible person. You have as much right to be here as anyone else. Your negative thoughts are controlling you. They are distorted and wrong.

Look up "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy" on the web, and read about it. Try to find a book about it.

You need therapy as well.

You have trained yourself to think this way. You have to untrain yourself. It can be done very successfully....I know, believe me.

Please let us know that you are taking steps to get help...

Lil

 
Old 11-02-2007, 11:07 PM   #3
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Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Dude!! your so not alone with those thoughts and you will be ok, mine are not quite like that but caused by the same reasons... But.. i found a program that i had to hear the free disk, and oh my god, did it shed so much light on me and my mom, it will sound so simple but takes some effort.. simply any thing you do ,say, or think causes cemical reactions the brain releases in your blood stream, (normaly), but if at excess and you keep doing it, eventualy your mind and body will get used to it, and can become a problem because you wont be able to notice it or stop it because it will become a habit...
i just want to tell you, your not mental crazy, everyone talks to themself, just some more than others is all, .. after i learned about all the things of stress, depression, and anxiety, so much. id like to tell you , that you are better than this, ,, try this... be very aware of your thoughts on this and every thought that comes into your mind, try starting it in the morning, write them down as soon as you hear them, you willl notice you have alot of negitive thoughts rolling through your mind, negitive is anything like"i dont like my hair today" or " gosh i feel bad today" they are very sutle, but negitive, but write them all down, then think of any positives you had or anything that you belive that makes you smile or happy, (anything) then put them beside each other and as soon as you have a bad thought , make a mental stop sign come up and insert a positive thought in its place, and keep it up, ..
also try when your having a bad thought of any kind, simply force your self to do something, any thing, like was dishes, or clean your room, or take out the trash, or play a game( distract yorself), and i know it will help,, depression is strong, but you can overcome it, if you try, , but keep doing it till you make it a habit its self of positive thinking, that may take some time, ok, be well, , trust me you can basicly have anything you want, if you can not think about it as you go for it or her and just be what this is funny guy or cool guy and be that person for the moment, with out caring what they may be thinking,,, sry its a bit hard to explain these things, .. and yours may be more then i know about, but in the message there is some points, and that may or may not pertain to you, or your situation, just trying to help,, this is much easier then done, and listen to Llily there , she may have some points

Last edited by jdog77; 11-02-2007 at 11:11 PM.

 
Old 11-03-2007, 08:36 PM   #4
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Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Thank you for the replies.

I'm not sure why I have these "scheduled" periods of depression, but I'm guessing that it has something to do with the season of winter. Anyway, a few weeks ago I thought I'd some how 'dodged' the depression, and that I was going to have a depression-free winter. Apparently it was just a bit late.

I've gained a slight bit of motivation to fight this, I had a chat to a friend that I trust (I just talked about the lazy-no future vicious cycle thing - I didn't tell him how I feel - I feel rejected by him everyday, I didn't want to cause any more rejection). I think I'll try to hang on to this motivation I've gained for as long as possible.

I'll definitely do what you sugested jdog, I'll start tomorrow, and I'll keep in mind what you suggested, lily... you're a very active member and clearly know what you're talking about.

I looked up CBT, and I've read that the most important thing for me is posotive thinking.

Thanks again.

.... As I read my post through again. I've realised that even if I do feel rejeceted by this friend from time to time, it could be my imagination. And even if he does reject me occasionally, he probably doesn't do it because he hates me. He does a lot that indicates that he likes me.

I'm usually talking over the internet too; he could be ignoring me because he's gone to get some food, or he's talking to someone else and hasn't realised that I've sent a message, or he's busy with something more important (which is fine with me).
The weird thing is that even though I've acknowledged these possibilities, it's hard to 'believe' them. When I'm talking with several online friends, there always seems like a short period of "Wth is this guy 'on'" scilence whenever I say anything.

Sometimes I get this scilence in real, spoken conversations too... But I think that's because I have a tendancy to say nothing (usually thinking deeply) or really "Un-cool" things... But this doesn't bother me as much as scilence on an online group chat (people could be making fun in a private chat ... which I know sounds stupid, but I can't help but wonder what people are doing in these periods of silence).....Though the "Wth is this guy 'on'" scilences with a 3 person spoken convo, where I clearly see them making "what the hell?" eye contact, kinda made me feel like I want to be on my own (which is why I'm often deep in thought). My friends aren't horrible to me though, and though I'm rubbish with girls (probably a lot to do with the way that I think about them) I can usually make friends easily. It's really strange, I feel like no one should like me, and I can't help but wonder if I'm just there to be laughed at behind my back (which I've never witnessed).

However - this weekend, a different friend didn't invite me to a parents birthday party, but he invited someone else (yet, I know his parents better). I can't understand why he would do that (other than the obvious - he likes me less)... But -not just saying this- I'd rather spend this weekend at home anyway.

Sorry, this post is even longer...

I think the thing I REALLY NEED to do is feel better about other people. Tomorrow will be a posotive day. I often listen to music if I can't get to sleep (to sing along, rather than talk), I'll do the same if I can't shake a negative thought... I'm not sure if this plan of constant posotive thinking is going to work, so I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow.

 
Old 11-04-2007, 10:43 AM   #5
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brook65 HB User
Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Hi Desmond

I havn't read all of your post, but wondered if you are expereincing 'SAD'

You may want to think about looking that one up also, as you mentioned the depression during winter months.

best of

 
Old 11-05-2007, 10:28 AM   #6
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Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Not just positive thinking, Desmond....eradicating negative thoughts.

You do need to feel better about other people, and stop worrying so much what they think about you.

If you start eliminating your negative thoughts, people will respond to you more, automatically. People gravitate towards happy people, not snarky people

Lil

 
Old 11-05-2007, 03:22 PM   #7
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Desmond1990 HB User
Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Hmmm, I've thought that it could be SAD before, and it almost certainly is SAD.
But, I always prefered the winter months, I like being cold a lot more than being too hot. I suppose that I don't like it when it gets darker... Despite the fact that I prefere night time (quieter, more relaxed, probably more humid).
_The only real differences between when I'm depressed and when I'm not is that I have a much lower value of self worth, and suicidal thoughts. I think that I always think negatively about people, even when I don't feel depressed.

I've tried the thing that jdog suggested, I couldn't really get it to work. I think of things by discussing them mentally with myself. Basically, I remember thinking of a person that I hate (he's not a nice person to be around, very few people want to be with him. His self esteem is arrogant, which no one (literally, nobody) can put up with) This is basically what I thought:
*Picture of "X", flashes into my mind*
- Grrr I hate "X". He's always smiling, and laughing to himself.
- Wait, posotive thinking. He IS a very clever person... he's earning a lot of money -(note: he's starting up internet businesses (which he referes to as his "scams") at my age (17), which I don't think is even legal)- , he'll be rich when he's older
- He doesn't deserve to be rich
- No, I he's worked for it... Besides, money's probably the only way that he'll be able to make friends
- Poor guy
- I hate him
*Hears his very distinct, very forced laugh* (note- I don't actually 'hear' it... it just pops into my head)
- Grr, he shouldn't be happy. Arrogant 'bad person'.
*Hears laugh again*
*I start doing something else (listening to music)*
Basically, even with people that I like more than "X", if I think of something posotive, I'll argue with my self back to something negative. I'm trying to cut it off after a posotive comment, but it's hard. I have to distract myself.

And my problem with girls is bothering me more and more. In my mind, I see 90% of girls' require posessions to be happy. And a lot of girls are over-happy (like they've never even thought about 'life') ... It's probably just me that 'gets' that one.
_It seems that few girls can think on their own, so that most of their opinions are other peoples... Which is true for guys as well. This is a main reason why I think people (males and females) are stupid. They have a brain, but never use it to think for themselves. Even "non-conformists" can't think for themselves, they're just conforming to a conformity of "non-conformity" which is silly.
_And finally, most girls (I've met) love themselves too much (including thinking that they are sexy). A high value of self worth is good... But when girls actually love themselves, it makes me feel sick. I'd never put myself first. (I've only ever seen guys act like this on the internet (eg Chris Crocker))

I'm not posting this to be nasty, I'm just looking for arguements to the above points (give me some posotive points). I'm not sexist, I think it's brilliant when you get women doing 'mens jobs'... They don't think, "LOL, I don't want to be a mechanic, that's a mans job", they think for themselves. I know a lot physically strong girls..... Anyway, straying fromt the point. I think we all know that guy's have bad-points too.
_Personally, I don't go for looks, but I go for a unique mind. Any girl I've ever felt strongly for, I've not thought about sexually, but more like I just want to relax with them. And keep them safe if they get ill etc. I was going to ask a girl out a few years ago, but I saw that she was too hard working, and that if I was with her I'd be distracting her from her work, affecting her grades. I think I loved her, and didn't want to ruin her future. (Now, I realise that was a stupid descision. And I feel realy bad when ever I think about it).

I thought I'd add this aswell, this is how I feel about life:
Life is a journey, from A to B. My body is my car.
.....
I don't want to take a wrong turn. I want to spend it with good company. I don't want a particularly flashy car, just one that doesn't use up too much fuel, drives well and can get me from A to B. I want a nice environment in the car (no rubbish music, good warmth etc). I don't want to get bored of driving, and I don't want to 'want to stop the journey prematurely'. I don't want traffic jams, or breakdowns. I just want to get from A to B as comfortably as possible. Yet, if I see anyone that needs help on their own journey, I'll try my best to give it.

Last edited by Desmond1990; 11-05-2007 at 03:33 PM.

 
Old 11-05-2007, 07:44 PM   #8
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Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Desmond.....

Please don't take what I'm about to say as being negative....it could be good news.

Is there any way, that possibly, you could be a normal, "sarky" teenager?

I think that definitely, you would benefit from CBT....you have negative thoughts, no doubt about it.

Your "car" plan sounds great. You're just a little young to start it yet.

Lil

 
Old 11-06-2007, 09:54 AM   #9
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Desmond1990 HB User
Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

The car idea wasn't a plan. It's more of a wish.

And what you said about being too young to start it ins't true. I started a year ago. It's horrible...And this is the beginning.

I suppose that I should just accept the way that a lot of things suck in life, and get on with life so that the mistakes are made and are over-and-done-with asap.

Anyway. It's probably about time to wrap this whole thing up for a while. Teh mods will get angry or something. Thanks a lot for the support that you've given me, lil.

One last thing: by sarky, do you mean sarcastic? I don't really see how I'm being sarcastic

Last edited by Desmond1990; 11-06-2007 at 11:03 AM.

 
Old 11-06-2007, 06:12 PM   #10
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Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

I meant more of a kind of "miserable" teenager...but even that isn't right...but you get the drift, right?

Honest, Desmond....look into CBT....it can help you to look at things totally differently than you do now.

Please keep in touch...ok?

Lil

 
Old 11-07-2007, 12:55 AM   #11
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Re: Talking to myself, loving myself, hating myself. I think I have a mental ilness.

Okay, thanks a lot for the help.

 
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