Is there something wrong with me? Please help, much appreciated
I think I may have some kind of mental health issue. How do I find out/where do I go next?
A few months ago, me and my ex girlfriend of four years got back together - I was thrilled, I can't put into words the feeling of euphoria. After about a week, she decided she didn't want to make a go of things after all, and it was all over again. I was crushed.
A few days later (I presume I was on the 'rebound') I went out on a date with a girl from work, and we eventually got together. About a month ago, she ended things, and I started suffering severe (what I presume was) depression.
I couldn't stop this horrible feeling of almost panic, and I became somewhat obsessive, constantly ringing her, and asking her to get back together with me and looking for explanations. I'd break down in tears and even self-harmed for a while.
We got back together, and it was horrible. We were constantly arguing, there was no trust between us (for various reasons), and it was generally a very destructive relationship. Even though I knew this, I would beg her not to split up with me. Splitting up felt like it would be the end of the world. We've since split, and my 'depression; continued. I visited the doctor, who told me to take St. John's wort and go back to him in 2 weeks (I didn't, mostly through embarassment - is it just that I'm not a strong person?).
Recently, things haven't been as bad, and I sometimes feel very happy and confident with myself and optimistic. However, just as often I feel an almost debilitating sense of emptiness, insecurity, low self-worth and will break down in tears. When I feel like this I can't get any enjoyment from anything, and feel like everything is pointless, not really valuing anything.
Looking on the internet, I've noticed a lot of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder apply to me... My moods vary, I feel empty at my worst and happy with myself and best, I stay in destructive/abusive relationships, drink heavily and have cut myself.
I've also started worrying that I really don't know myself. I seem to be a wlaking contradiction. I'm often confident and outgoing, but other times unfamiliar social circumstances cripple me. I act differently around different people, and the type of person I want to be changes form one day to the next. I seem to hate showing the 'real' me (whatever that is) however to anyone, so act fine and secure with myself and social situations, people describe me as a very popular person. I've found myself telling a lot of lies recently, often pointless.
I've also just started a teaching course which is very stressful, and I get very anxious about it, to the point where I can't face doing any work towards it. Which then heightens the anxiety when I have to rush everything at the last minute.
So... what do I do now? Am I just being silly, and looking for an excuse for my shortcomings? How do I find out?