Is there something wrong with me? Please help, much appreciated
I think I may have some kind of mental health issue. How do I find out/where do I go next?
A few months ago, me and my ex girlfriend of four years got back together - I was thrilled, I can't put into words the feeling of euphoria. After about a week, she decided she didn't want to make a go of things after all, and it was all over again. I was crushed.
A few days later (I presume I was on the 'rebound') I went out on a date with a girl from work, and we eventually got together. About a month ago, she ended things, and I started suffering severe (what I presume was) depression.
I couldn't stop this horrible feeling of almost panic, and I became somewhat obsessive, constantly ringing her, and asking her to get back together with me and looking for explanations. I'd break down in tears and even self-harmed for a while.
We got back together, and it was horrible. We were constantly arguing, there was no trust between us (for various reasons), and it was generally a very destructive relationship. Even though I knew this, I would beg her not to split up with me. Splitting up felt like it would be the end of the world. We've since split, and my 'depression; continued. I visited the doctor, who told me to take St. John's wort and go back to him in 2 weeks (I didn't, mostly through embarassment - is it just that I'm not a strong person?).
Recently, things haven't been as bad, and I sometimes feel very happy and confident with myself and optimistic. However, just as often I feel an almost debilitating sense of emptiness, insecurity, low self-worth and will break down in tears. When I feel like this I can't get any enjoyment from anything, and feel like everything is pointless, not really valuing anything.
Looking on the internet, I've noticed a lot of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder apply to me... My moods vary, I feel empty at my worst and happy with myself and best, I stay in destructive/abusive relationships, drink heavily and have cut myself.
I've also started worrying that I really don't know myself. I seem to be a wlaking contradiction. I'm often confident and outgoing, but other times unfamiliar social circumstances cripple me. I act differently around different people, and the type of person I want to be changes form one day to the next. I seem to hate showing the 'real' me (whatever that is) however to anyone, so act fine and secure with myself and social situations, people describe me as a very popular person. I've found myself telling a lot of lies recently, often pointless.
I've also just started a teaching course which is very stressful, and I get very anxious about it, to the point where I can't face doing any work towards it. Which then heightens the anxiety when I have to rush everything at the last minute.
So... what do I do now? Am I just being silly, and looking for an excuse for my shortcomings? How do I find out?
Re: Is there something wrong with me? Please help, much appreciated
You're not being silly at all. Taking a step to think that there is something there and looking to right it, which is the hardest step of all, shows a very non-silly behavior on your part. I know it's not easy and with the teaching course and added stresses there it's not helping you at all.
If you missed that 2nd appointment, don't dwell and go back in for another. You don't have to justify anything really, but you sound like you're ready to work on getting things sorted out now.