Drifter09sm

Wow. I seriously feel like i was having dreams for the last month or something. The contrast between waking to reality and the world of my dreams is I actually notice the feeling of being part of something.

I often ask myself how I got here. Here.

Well it's a long.. story so, becausely my biggest faults started this last spring.

I've had an anxiety issue for about 5 years now. It's a strange one because I don't really develop the classic anxiety attacks but it still remains a server issue. Anyways I was coming off a semester where I was pretty successful and compared to the following couple college semesters when I was a freshmen it was a big improvement.

But my social life still seemed to remain stuck, and meeting new people was a chore. I was happy with my self with my improvements in studies and now I wanted to see improvement in social life. So i spoke to my doctor about uping paxil. We decided to go 10 more mgs up to 20.

During this time I was on a boom, I mean I was working out all the time focousing on whatever could help me be better. So with the combination of more positive attitude, stronger paxil and a new found addiction to energy drinks (yea weird) things did get better. I became interactive during class with people sitting next to me. (in comparison.. I rarely spoke to people in class before) I felt great. My confidence as changed incredbily.

I became addicted to meeting new people. Well how it goes in college... kids like to drink on the weekends. A lot. So I begin doing it a lot more. School was still going good for a while and so was working out. One of the things that really brought me down was getting sick. Some how it manage to take a week to get out of my system, setting me pretty far back in classes.

But with getting health i tried to remain positive, too positive. And I didn't let the negative anxiety come that should be hitting me because I was a moron for signing up for as many classes as I did that system. About two more then the average student at about 20 credits. And when you miss a week of school with that many credits... its never time to be positive.

I manage to get my self in shape in some classes, where the web class I came to the relization of dropping. Then when everything seemed back on track spring break came. Still on this addiction of energy drinks to try to balance the fatigue affects of what drugs can do i guess? (I mean I was on average drinking two a day at this point i think) I felt ready to have some fun, I hung out with a different circle just about every night..getting my self wasted about 8 nights in a row. This became the building block for failure for the rest of the system... as it took about that long to get over the hang over.

So I ended up passing two classes and getting fired from well above average paying commission job, (I was late like 20 times but they didn't have a clue til the automatic system warned them of needing to terminate an employee itself.)

I then went on to realize my mistake of telling a buddy i'd move in with him before my contract was up.. paying rent at two places for two months. Fincially before.. this didn't seem like a problem.

So that lead to a new job that was decent, but closed due to flooding. And that led to a month of developing * up sleeping pattern.. waking up 3 to 5 hours past noon each day.

I use to be a hard working in employee regards, but now I can't seem to get an interview anywhere. I don't know what i'm going to school for is the best thing. I'm broke and my parents are bankrupted while I sit on 14k of student loans. My dad is schizophrenic so he's not entirely the best man for advice and yet it seems like my moms half of the family that I got anxiety issues from. I mean I love them, but going to them for advice just doesn't seem like the most realistic thing.

Looking back this last six months... all the friendships i built during it just seem to reflect the fake me, someone that just wasn't looking at things entirely right.

And now it's 4th of July, I havn't done anything productive for probably two weeks and I sit with no realization that it's a holiday. I can't decide whether going back on paxil is the right thing for me or if it had somehting to do with the demise of me. I look ahead to the fall of thinking about continueing my business adminstration degree when I can hardly manage making my own self get through a day.. let a lone manage a business ever.

I'm not really sad. I just don't feel i'm anything. Sorry for saying my life story, i just thought it might help putting down on something.

Well good 4th to all people, have a good day.