Unable to love or just apathy? - Mental Health Message Board

bumpjump · 07-13-2008, 05:39 PM

My whole life I've always felt like I don't love anybody. My parents and sister have shown nothing but affection to me but ever since I can remember I've never felt anything that would seem like love to me. Recently I made a list of people who would miss me if I died, and when I looked at the list (family, friends, etc.) I felt nothing for any of the people in the list.

Lately I've become a homebody. I have no ambitions because I figure our existence in this world is barely a spec of dust in the timeline of the universe. What's the point of accomplishments when they mean nothing?

I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I've been in a state of apathy for the past three years or so, not caring about almost everything. For a while, I thought I was just laid-back. To the frustration of my family, I find nothing to be a big deal. I recently got my third speeding ticket in 4 years and my reaction was "another? huh." I hardly ever have an emotional reaction to things. The only thing that really brings me joy is my music. I'm a guitar player and I know that I have talent for not only the instrument, but music in general. I've been told by my music teachers that I have an amazing ear. If I could spend the rest of my life doing one thing, it would be playing all kinds of music.

I'm 21, I've dated but never been in a relationship (this, I know is not uncommon) yet my biggest wish right now is to be in a relationship. I suppose my biggest care is to be able to care about more things than just music. I don't even care about myself; I just started working out because I figured endorphins would do something and at the very least, hey, I look better. To my apathetic surprise, the only good that's come out of working out is I look better in my clothes. People have commented that I look better now, but that means nothing to me.

I guess my question is, am I unable to love or am I just apathetic? What are the ramifications of this?

negot · 07-18-2008, 06:45 PM

I am not a psychologist and am not going to try to give you any advice. I just want to acknowledge your post and give you my opinion which is based on my age (I am old enough to be your mom) and life experience. To me it sounds as if you certainly do have emotions, but for some reason they are pent up and you won't let them out. Maybe you could go to a counselor a few times and try to figure out why you feel the way you do. Your feelings may be blocked by lot of anger or sadness which prevents you to feel anything else. You say you feel nothing for your family. If they died, how would you feel? You love music so that may be your way of expressing your feelings. Do you have any friends that you can talk to? Good luck to you!

AuntieLeela · 07-22-2008, 04:38 PM

This sounds like depression to me. Depression isn't just the whole stereotypical crying and wailing stuff. Depression can be anhedonia - that's the medical term for emotional numbness.

Look up Dysthymia. It's a chronic, constant, mild depression that can last for years and can even begin in early childhood. Symptoms aren't as freaky bad as major depression, but you could have a co-occurring episode of major depression - that's called "double depression".