No self confidence and low self esteem for no apparent reason - Mental Health Message Board

negot · 07-17-2008, 03:11 PM

I have always suffered from very low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. This is due to my childhood and the way I was treated by my parents. In spite of years of therapy this problem is the same as it always was. As I am getting older, it is more embarrassing to have no self confidence compared with when I was in my twenties. Then I could blame it on age, what do I blame it on now? On the outside I have no reason to have zero self esteem. I am fairly smart, have a masters degree. I am fairly attractive, tall and thin and although I am not young, a lot of people compliment me on my appearance. I am not a bad person, I am generous and help people if I can. Because of low self esteem, I feel inferior to a lot of people. It can be any reason. I also have a hard time connecting with other people. No matter what group I find myself in, I end up as the outsider many times. In other words, I am not popular and never have been and that is very painful, as painful today as when I was a unpopular child and teenager. Because of my low self esteem I married a man I wasn't in love with and needless to say, our marriage is bad. Due to my lack of self confidence I have very few friends. I don't have any trouble making friends, but can't keep them. Usually I don't say what is on my mind and let people take advantage of me until I finally feel that I've had it. I've been in therapy for ever and have read hundreds of self help book, but nothing has helped.
Can anybody relate?

Rezi · 07-20-2008, 04:05 PM

Hi Nelli

Yes I can relate to what you say, quite a lot. The difference with me is that I haven't gone to seek any help with my low self-esteem. I've always been very reclusive and found it very hard to socialise with people to great lengths. As a child I wasn't encouraged to go out and make friends and my parents were very reserved themselves, which I'm sure can be why I am the way I am. I've a sensitive personality and am quite emotional but try hard to hide this in order to blend in more with people, but of course it isn't easy. This prevents me from making close friends and I'm yet to get into a serious relationship, something I can't see happening whenever I try to put my mind to it.

I think it's good that you've faced it and found some help even if you say it's not done much good so far. I think that a simple book or lecture couldn't help enough but even so it would encourage a different way of looking at the problem. For me I find that it's really deep into my personality, and to change would be extremely difficult however it is treated. I haven't found anyone who I can discuss this with on a personal level.
Would you say that your experiences come from high levels of anxiety when you are around other people or places? My lack of social experiences and high sensitivity is what causes that anxiety, so I find myself shying away from long social interactions.

I've only ever thought that if I got into a relationship that was with someone I truly loved that this problem may at least improve as self-confidence is something that would naturally improve, and of course may change the way people perceive you once you're happier about yourself.
Sorry that I haven't provided much for you to work on but hopefully my relation to this has given you some support. I only found this message board today after wanting to seek similar advice.

negot · 07-23-2008, 10:14 AM

Hi Rezi, my problems stem back from my childhood. No therapy has been able to change much. My parents were very abusive, would put me down etc. My mother would do this until I was well in my twenties. Since I was a child I've wished my mother would die, so that I could get some peace, but she is still alive. Being controlled, called stupid and other derogatory names started a snowball that is still rolling. I never knew how to pick friends, never had many friends and have always felt inferior to a lot of people. I am married now and this is just another prison that I've created for myself. I so badly want to get out of this marriage and finally get peace, but don't know how.
My husband is one of those people that seems like a perfect husband, but our marriage has been a nightmare. I am sure some of it is my fault. I married him without being in love with him and he wasn't in love with me either so the marriage had nowhere to go but downhill. Now I just want to get away from him but we have 2 kids and I have no means to support myself. I don't see a way out from this mess I have created.
Maybe it would help you to go to a counselor and at least verbalize your problems. At least you'll then be more clear what you are feeling.

Rezi · 07-25-2008, 11:30 AM

My parents were never abusive towards me, instead it was too much to the other extreme. They never spoke to me much and kept themselves to themselves, which is why I think back to my childhood for some clues to my very reclusive nature.
I'm sorry to hear about your past and how long it carried on for, it must have been very hard for you. I had a few friends when I was younger but eventually they seemed to go away to the more eccentric crowd, probably in fear they would stand out in the way I often did - quiet and mysterious. However hard I tried I couldn't fit in.
In what way did you feel inferior? I don't remember blaming myself much for what I experienced, instead it was the stress and anxiety of making sense of it all and feeling that I had little or no support in trying to get through it.

I'm sure you've probably tried speaking to your husband about how you feel. Is he aware of how you feel about the relationship? Is there anyone you can discuss it with where you are based? If you both feel similarly about the relationship then maybe he is willing to work towards a solution aswell?

I'll try finding a counselor about the social anxiety. I've been thinking about it a lot lately but always figured they wouldn't tell me anything I haven't thought about already. When the feelings are deep inside it's hard to imagine any rules or practice would help overcome something that comes so naturally to me.

EmmaLou89 · 08-07-2008, 07:11 AM

Hi, Im 18 and am the same. No matter what people tell me.. 'Your Pretty' ect i still cant get it into my head that people may actually think that about me. I always think they are lying. and no matter how many nice clothes i buy or how much make up i wear things still dont change. Chin up x