homobohemicus

I am not sure if my contact with the outer world will be of any affect but maybe talking it out is part of the therapy.. I am looking for a good psychologist here in Thailand but I fear that most are more commercial than really able to help that’s why I chose to write. I am an expat in BKK (29 czech-egyptian) and have been here for 3 years already. I have had troubles with my depression before but never so bad and lately I have been even asking myself difficult questions like whether it is worth continue… I am more than surprised to have these feelings as I am fairly a good looking guy, work is more or less ok even if I have no passion for it, I am gay but have no issues with it as I am completely out and no problems there. But when I look back as I will be turning 30 in october 2008, I am an introvert and bordering with being antisocial.

I think I should go back to my 20th bday where I met and had a crush on a 29 yrs old guy however it didn’t work… oldest story in the book.. young guy hurt, older one trapped. I have to admit that it took me 2 years to get over it. At the moment though I have daily contact and sort of a weird relationship with him. We have no romantic feelings for eachother… not at all and we are more like family than anything else. But my being close to him, working for him…I do feel in a way trapped as I work in a job that I have zero attachment to, no passion and burned out from inside. My life turned into day in and day out. I am actually losing track of time, days, months, years.. I have no energy left in me. I feel like a shell.. nothing inside.

I think however that I could take the stress and pain if I had someone by my side. I am tired and tired and tired being the one in control, cannot show that I am depressed or tired mainly not to worry my family. I am bombarded by their problems and they think that I am having the time of my life here where I am falling deeper and deeper into depression. The feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and mainly loneliness is overwhelming and scary. When I look at it should consider myself lucky.. Im healthy, Im not bad looking, good life but look at me… almost 30 and I have never had a relationship… true I think deep down that I am terrified of opening up again to anyone (silly thing to say..almost as a teenager) that’s why I am turning up to anonymous sex more and more.. actually that is my main sexual fetish. No name sex… completely anonymous. Almost schizophrenic I seek and dying for companionship. I have so much affection and love inside that it hurts however I never seem to come with the equation of what makes guys interested. I see all around me older people, people who pair up and boyfriends for years. I am a real nice guy ..too nice sometimes.. but I don’t know why I cant make an impression on someone fuelling my lower self esteem more and more? My friend is a latino hunk.. not so handsome but strong body and whenever we go to a club he receives tons of free drinks, tel numbers ..etc… and people coming to talk to him. I mentioned that I am not an ugly guy..i look good, athletic, smart and easy to talk to but I haven’t had anyone try and pursue me, try to be the active one in trying to catch me. Never had a nice surprise of someone sending me a drink from the other side of the bar… I think I sound silly or ridiculous however when you have that constantly in bars, internet and so on seeing and feeling that no one “turns around” when you enter the room or at least regular attention makes me ask how can this be? Am I that boring or unlovable that I repel any chance of being someone’s? All I seek is a nice soul to be part of and that he will be part of me… real companionship… real life.

These things (being ignored) makes my heart ina big cube of ice that is getting thicker and thicker and I am terrefied that I will never meet anyone to thaw it and allow me to feel something remotely as love.. something that I havent felt in decades!!

All Im left with are feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and genuine belief that I have to accept the idea that I will remain alone for the rest of my life ALONE. And I think this is the main feeling that governs me at the moment and which plays with my moods and throws me into deep depressions that take days. It starts as a small thought and creeps, grows and it grows until it takes over and I find my body shut down, energy drained… when it takes over then all I want to do is sleep.. I want to escape my life ..I don’t want to be in this reality. Eat, sleep, eat and sleep… sometimes for days… last big depression and I slept in my bed without any activity for 6 days with food plates allover the place…no shower...blinds closed... its very hard to get off this mood. I have no reason.. no one to do it for.. no one to really support me in my lows .. and the thing that I want most is to support someone in their lows. Yes loneliness that results in low feelings about myself that makes me refuse to go out and meet people since I know already that nothing will happen, I will not be able to make an impression on anyone and every time I like someone and I give them a glimpse of what I am inside (bf material, for life…) then it doesn’t work. I am very careful not to seem needy or desperate but this is what I am and I am asking if I am going to waste my life, end up one day an angry bitter 60 years old man with no happiness and no real memories to think of..waiting to die. I think I don’t have to wait till I’m 60 as I am a person without energy anymore…drained... should be the best years of my life but I see nothing but agony, pain, lonliness, uncertainty. All I need is a manual for life that I can read… see how other people do it and how come they can enjoy their life. To be depressed being 29 is scary… what the hell am I going to do 5 years from now? I seriously believe that I will not be able to continue for a decade more. The meaninglessness of my life is striking. I have no purpose here on this planet.. I am not really helping anyone, no one is dependent on me, no one is my companion. Why am I here? Who will notice that I am gone? Mom and a couple of friends? That’s no entirely impressive. Just letting go and giving up seems like the only way to go and I am aware that its being weak and I hate myself for being weak. I have no one however to be strong for… It’s a vicious loop that I am unable to get myself from and its taking me deeper and deeper. My weakness is striking that when thinking of ending it all I search for a painless manner ..just to sleep and never wake up… I even am experimenting with soft drugs that take me away from reality but the only thing they do afterwards is giving me an even deeper depressions…

I want to walk in the street and see colours and hear birds as well… these small details.. small details that a person sees and hears when in a good mood. I haven’t been that person in years…. More than 4 years now… for a while now I am just waking up to sleep… and in the past 3 years as well in an alien country,.,. from Europe to Asia.. no friends and I am so alone and frustrated here that I am aggressive on the country and anything that it stands even when sometimes its not true….

just trapped