I always feel awkward talking about my problems, but here it goes:
My sophomore year of high school seemed to be the turning point- and not for the better. Everyday I would sit in the library during my lunch period. It wasn't because I had to finish something, or study. It was because I didn't feel comfortable sitting with people. It felt like no one wanted to be around me so, I isolated myself.
My Junior year was a bit better, I was still uncomfortable, but I did manage to feel comfortable enough
to sit with people.
And now, the my senior year, is not so good again. I don't want to be bothered by anyone
. I find myself either highly irritated and short-tempered with people, or anxious around them. I stay in the library, I keep to myself in class to avoid conversation. If I know a friend goes a certain route after class, I go another to avoid them. I even dropped a class because a certain person annoyed me.
People annoy be very
easily. If they say a certain thing, or do something, and I don't like it, I no longer want to have anything to do with them.
do something that I think is awkward, I feel like everyone is watching (or thinking) about how odd I am. If someone says something to me or looks at me a certain way, I automatically take it as they do not like me and they don't want to be anywhere near me.
I know this is a horrible trait. When I'm alone, I can sit back and really see how irrational some things I think and feel are.
A part of me wants loose these unsocial feelings. But another part of me doesn't even want to bother with being social. I don't even understand myself!
I have very few friends, and no one that I'm really close to. I feel that I am too different and have too different of beliefs from everyone around me to really say what I feel or to even have a real conversation with. I think that this makes me have an imaginary "companion" who I can talk to (I posted in the other topic about this). If only for a little while, "he" makes me feel more comfortable- if someone makes me made, I create an imaginary situation where "he" deals with it. It sounds quite odd, perhaps crazy, but I think it goes back to me not feeling comfortable around anyone else. :/
Is this some sort of personality disorder, or is all of this (even getting easily annoyed) all some sort of anxiety disorder?
I am scheduled to see a psychiatrist about another problem- possible depression.
My appetite is nonexistent (I only eat because I know I have to) and I've lost a few pounds because of that, I continuously feel down, empty, and flat, I have no motivation or energy, and I just want to be left alone. I'm also have problems consternating.
I don't know if my social problems are related to this possible depression- this "down" feeling is more recent, since about June of last year. My social problems have been going on since my sophomore year.
I have a couple of week till I go to see the psychiatrist. I'll try to talk to him about my social problems as well, if I have the courage to do so.
If anyone has any advice on how I can be more comfortable/tolerant of people, or even any opinions on what I wrote, that would be great.