m345

Hi all and thanks for the replies.

To katlin09, no offense was taken and I am not currently on medication for bipolar. I am new to this whole patient thing and at first I really didn't know know where to start as far as getting help for myself goes. I just started going to see a LPN and a therapist back in the beginning of November of last year.

So here is my story, I guess. I am still young, 17, but I've been depressed on and off a handful of times in my young life. The first time being when I was 12. The depression would come and go so I'd just kind of weather out the storm, but this last time when I was depressed I just felt so horribly bad. The only reason I didn't jump ship, so to speak, at that point, was just there wasn't an easier way to do it. Something that unnatural really shouldn't be easy to do. But anyway, I realized then that everytime the depression came back, it just kept getting worse. And so I decided to tell my parents about this and hopefully maybe life might be a little easier if I got some kind of help.

Unfortunately, things are really yet to get better. I am believing less and less in the supposed benefits of psychiatry. I probably would have stopped going long ago if it weren't for the fact that my parents make me. I mentioned earlier that I see two diff. doctors. This is b/c of the way our insurance works, that was just the easiest way to get treatment at the time. Well, I have the feeling my therapist doesn't do as much listening as one who is a therapist should. I feel honestly like a case in a textbook, like just broken down into an amalgam of symptoms that just so happens to be sitting across from her in her office. The LPN that I see is actually far more understanding. I am thinking of trying to switch doctors or something soon. I've brought it up w/ my parents but this whole therapy thing isn't convenient for any of us and I have to remind them to fill my prescriptions and for this and that....

This would be a lot easier if my parents did not have to be involved. They are as clueless as me as to how this whole therapy thing is supposed to work. Seeing as my ma is not very stable herself (trust me on this one), it is not v. beneficial to have her as half of the unit that is in charge of -my- head. Ever since this started, me going to the doctor, she's only told me things like "oh you're exaggerating," "just snap out of it" and "oh the whole world just has to revolve around you" That last ones her favorite. It applies to everything. One of these days, I swear I'll breathe and she'll say, "you just always have to take up all the air don't you?" Over the summer I finally realized just how severly conflicted my mother is and I have finally been able to let her criticisms stop bothering me. They fall on deaf ears now. But it does irk me a little when I wonder if maybe I would be happier now if I didn't have to deal with so much of her psychological bullcrap when I was kid. Again, I understand why she is how she is now, but I look at my younger sister and she didn't get treated half as bad as I did. It brings a pang of jealousy sometimes but the past is the past, moving on...

And so my mother, being the way she is, she now threatens to call the police on me whenever I am upset or whatever. We had a huge argument last week. I haven't been that angry, honestly, since I was like a little kid. But I hadn't/haven't been sleeping and my sister wouldn't stop pestering though I asked her to please stop b/c I knew how I was feeling and I knew how angry I could still probably get. But of course she didn't and it was a big yelling fest and stuff. It doesn't help at all that they are both highly reactive people also. I will say I felt pretty like out of control, you know, and my ma's like, "if you don't calm down I'm going to call the police and they're going to take you away, sirens and everything"... That's not the most comforting thing to hear, so I tried to act normal for a while. She actually stayed awake w/ one eye on my bedroom door making sure my light stayed off before she went to sleep. I only know this, of course, b/c I did not fall into any kind of slumber. Ugh. I've tried to explain to my parents before that I don't -like- being awake almost three days in a row. And I am not doing it to **** my ma off. Because everything I do is of course, to do just that. It was a bad situation and it was what prompted my original question.

Idk. Sometimes I wish I never brought this up to them in the first place. I feel like nothing has really changed. My moods still change of their own accord and the only one who still has the slightest clue what is wrong with me, is, well, me. Which doesn't help much - realizing that therapy has only made you realize you are probably worse off than you originally thought.

And so basically, the therapist decided to like treat whatever I have, this Illness X of sorts, in accordance to whatever is easier to treat first. It was kind of like guess and check with my psyche. Yeah, thanks, doc. This has turned into a nice long bitter stew it seems.. But to recount medically, they first gave me zoloft and I took it one day and I already felt too impulsive and didn't want to take it again and risk doing something stupid. (I have a v. high sensitivity to any medication that I take for anything for some reason). Then I tried lamictal which maybe could have worked for my mind but just not compatible with my body. And now, they've given me tests and all and both docs agree I have ADD. The LPN thinks I may have ADD and Bipolar both, but she said we would try and work on the ADD symptoms and see if I still have any mood symptoms that are bothering me. I have an appointment with her 2 wks from now and an appt. w/ the therapist tomorrow. I am sick of doctors and illnesses...

I am sorry about all this ranting and rambling. I haven't really been able to be honest with anyone about this though so it feels kind of good to just get it out there, somewhere, anywhere. Thanks for taking the time and answering my question, even if you didn't make it this far . I feel really alone w/ this for the most part and I do appreciate it, so I have something to run by the LPN this coming appt.