Assertiveness and learning. Eye contact, What does it mean? - Mental Health Message Board

babydiva · 03-03-2009, 08:17 PM

I've recently been learning how to stand up for myself and say my thoughts, opinions, wants and feelings or whatever. Before, I was always passive. Allowing people to tell me what to do and not letting me choose. Being rude to me and just sitting there like a dummy. Allowing them to say whatever they want to say. Maybe even do whatever they want to do. I tell myself I was stupid because there are lots of people out there who aren't passive or were never passive. Always assertive. And, they probably think of passivity as stupidity. I would and do. Like even when people take advantage of others, there saying in there minds that the person they took advantage of is stupid. Somebody who's never said no to unreasonable requests or just things in general that they didn't feel like doing, is stupid because there allowing others to control them. I was like that and i'm just steping out of it. I'm not saying anyone on here is stupid in general, but it's my opinion that passivity is stupidity. I call myself stupid and stuff. My younger sister is so lucky because she was never passive. I wish I could have always controlled my life. But it was never like that I could count so many situations of which I've been taken advantage of by others. Or just sat there silent. Anyway I'm going to be getting councelling for it in 2 days. I'm 24 and sad since I grew up that way, not knowing. Plus I got a book and a folder I put together on assertiveness. But when I think back to the past it hurts. I've been learning though about eye contact and all that body language stuff. When I was waiting at the bus stop a couple days ago, this woman came to wait beside me and asked me how long have I been waiting as the bus was taking a while. I notice that whenever I wasn't looking at her, she's be looking at me but when I looked at her she'd turn away. It's like she didn't want to make eye contact with me. My b/f does that sometimes too and other people. Does this have anything to do with being assertive?

Seraph · 03-03-2009, 09:00 PM

Eye contact with a stranger at a bus stop may be a little confronting for some people. We learn not to make eye contact with fellow travellers on the subway etc for this reason. So that incident means very little. Your bf, tho, maybe that is unassertiveness, or shyness. Good for you to start to learn how to turn yourself around and give up the old passive ways. Practice, practice, practice until it becomes part of you. One tip: do not confuse assertiveness with defensiveness and aggression. For example, being set on being "in the right" all the time, or having to "win out" over someone else. Assertiveness is when you deal with things so there is no blame, nor right or wrong, and everyone is satisfied with the outcome. Good luck to you, Sera.

babydiva · 03-05-2009, 06:05 PM

I don't understand what you meant by eye contact may be confronting. My b/f's not shy around me, so I don't know. But I was just reading about assertiveness and eye contact and srtuff, body language and all that stuff. Just a coupel days ago my b/f's mom came up to me to say something, not sure if it was to ask me something and then she reinforced it or what. But when I looked up at her, she flinched. I'm wondering if she's starting to see changes in me. She's known me as passive also. And ya, well I've been passive since I was a child. I feel angry at myself and that it was unfair for me to be that way. I didn't even realize it till I was like 23....so last year. Till this day I tell myself I was a dummy and my head wasn't right because thats what I beleive.And I still feel it's taking me a while to learn something important that adults should know. I still feel agressive is right in some ways. I had councelling today and it went ok. My next appointment is march 19. So ya, it feels like I'm just starting to break the ice and it should have been broken since I was like 11. It's pathetic....