Confrontation Help - Mental Health Message Board

superman11 · 03-08-2009, 02:06 PM

I will basically sum up my whole story, as this as plagued me since the beginning of high school (I am now in University).

I have an extreme fear of confrontation, even though I have nothing to do be scared of. I am in my first year of University, I have a girlfriend, Have great friends, I am confident with myself and my body, and I have a great family. I guess you could say I live nearly a perfect life except for one thing, and it includes all of which I just listed.

Basically I have two groups of friends, both I have known for awhile now. and I have a girlfriend whom I love, and the fact that we will be married and have a wonderful life is not just a possibility but a FACT. One group of friends ( 4 or 5 of them ) are great guys but they just havn't transcended the female gap, we will call this group 1. The second group have transcended the gap (group 2). Both groups are somewhat friends as well but hang out with different people, and are mostly on there own from eachother. This is where my girlfriend comes in, she is absolutly perfect in every way and the problem only exists in me. We have been dating for 2+ years now and shes only met my friends under ten times. The problem that exists is that she is a shy person (which shouldn't be a problem). There is always a inescapable idea in my head to never let my girlfriend and my friends mingle, its not that im scared what either of them will think, but the confrontation between them scares me, the akwardness scares me. Above anything I want my friends to be able to have a normal conversation with my girlfriend and to be able to talk with her even without me in the picture. With group 1 friends (the non-transcendees) I am scared that the fact they have never had a girlfriend will make it akward and that I will feel weird. I only really hang out with group 2 when we go to a bar or something. They themselves also have friends, of which I am somewhat friends with as well. Again though I am scared of what will happen if I introduce them to my girlfriend (nothing will happen?) I feel like a outcast when I am with group 2 as well though, because they have known the people way longer then me and are much better friends with them.

This problem also exists within my family, though not as bad as with my friends.

Please help me to understand, I want to get by this more than anything. I dont know how this started but I think it might have been starting high school, I have went through a dramatic change consciencely and physically since then, and I am proud of what I have become. Except for what I'm asking on this forum right now of course. Although I think my problem exists today because of my horrible experience in high school.

superman11 · 03-13-2009, 02:40 PM

bump............

fossilapostle · 03-13-2009, 08:10 PM

I'm not sure I understand. What do you mean haven't "transcended the female gap"? Is that some new slang for sex or something, as in, "hey baby, can I transcend your gap?" lol, ok sorry, but I'm really not sure what that means.

Also, can you explain what exactly you fear will happen? You say you fear "confrontation" b/t your gf and one or both of your 2 seperate groups of friends. But what is the source of the friction you're worried about?

Whatever it is, unless it's something really odd like she's a born again Christian and they worship *****, it's probably not going to make any differnce anyway. These people are your friends and this girl you say you're going to marry. So they both already like you presumably, which means that they're going to be nice to each other for your sake anyway. And once they get to know each other, maybe they'll actually like each other over and above their relationship with you.

After all, you like all of them, so there must be something likeable about them, right? Honestly to me this sounds more like you are embarassed of one group meeting the other. Maybe you're embarrassed your gf will find out all your friends are nerd virgins or something (if that's what you meant about not being familiar with the "female gap") and that somehow she'll have a lesser opinion of you because of it?

If that's the case, no offense, but that's dumb. Why would she care about that? Honestly? Have you met her friends? I'm sure you liked some of them and maybe didn't like others. But I doubt you got in a huge confronatation with any of them b/c you're going to be nice to them b/c they're her friends. Same thing applies to her and to your friends.

Honestly, you seem like either you have some specific phobia of which I've never heard, or that you have a pretty low opinion of the social skills of either your gf or your friends. Just get them all together one night and go out drinking to loosen the tension and the next morning you'll feel like an idiot for worrying about it, ok? Seriously, life has enough problems without making up new ones.

superman11 · 03-15-2009, 09:04 AM

yea thats what I ment by the gap. I want to think im not embarrassed of one of the groups, because I'm not at all. I guess I am embarrassed of the fact that one of them does not have social skills, well put. Thanks for the help