Ms J

I am always over analyzing the tiniest, most innocent of sentences from my boyfriend. I didn't find out that I over analyzed until a previous relationship. (unfortunately looking back on every relationship, I've been doing this all my life. However my over analyzing has also protected me- all but a few boyfriend's cheated on me, go figure). Ever since then I'm aware that if I don't get what my brain feels is "assurance" on a daily basis I start to flip out (panic mentally) and this is where my over analyzing starts. Ever since 1999 I've warned potential boyfriends that I am high emotional maintenance. My boyfriend is THE best thing to come into my life ever and don't want to lose him. I'm 43, divorced, live in public housing, can't find a job, my car is ready to die and I feel like a complete, stupid, loser. Our relationship started in August and was the absolute fairy tale until around the 19th of December 2008. He had warned me that holiday's are hard for him (depression hits-bad childhood). In January, he seemed like he was starting to come out of it, but then the recession hit bottom and his job was put on hold which sent him racing into an even deeper depression. He finally got a job last week that he doesn't like, but he is still on a major emotional roller coaster. Some days I see my boyfriend that I first met and fell in love with, other days I feel like he's still pushing me away. He has to retire in June because of his age (he's only 51, but in such a job that at age 52, he can no longer be in that job.) This has taken a major toll on him. I finally got it out of him that he feels he is being forced to retire even though he is still very capable of doing his job. His retirement pay will kick in come July that is such an amount that he will never have to work again. The black cloud of doom of him knowing full well he can still do that job with no restrictions and craves doing it but they won't allow him to, really hurts him. Ok now my problem. I feel like he's pushing me away which makes me panic and ask extremely stupid questions. We used to see each other every day or at least every other day. Since his depression hit he stopped spending time with me. He went from every other day to like once a week, then down to once every 2 weeks, then to about 1 time a month. Our texts went from 300 - 500 a day down to less than 20 each day. We used to talk on the phone everyday at least an hour, now I'm lucky if he calls me 1 time every 2 weeks. I've never dealt with anyone with depression but this roller coaster is driving me nuts. I feel as if he is pushing me away and that I bother him every time I ask him to spend time with me etc. I've never doubted his honesty and I know that he continues to be honest with me. I know he's not cheating, but with my past experiences and almost every single man cheating on me my sub concious says..."ah ha remember when so and so said he was being honest etc?" Then he will tell me the most innocent of things, and I go into instant mental panic. I was diagnosed with panic attacks shortly after my daughter was born in 1994. I took xanax that got the attacks under control and within 6 months I was able to take myself off the xanax as I no longer had them. (I've only had 3 physical panic attacks in 13 years). I've asked him point blank if there was someone else and he told me that was the last thing on his mind. I don't doubt that but my over analyzing mind makes a mountain out of a molehill. I know if I continue this behavior I will lose him. It not only hurts him that it seems like I don't trust him, my over analyzing is driving me absolutely crazy!!!! He is going to a psychiatrist for his depression, but I cannot afford to go to one. I have no health insurance as Medicaid thinks I make too much to have it. (I get less than $500 in child support each month go figure). I know keeping myself busy will help, but I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything. I also know being able to talk to my friends would help, but they work, and only a few of them understand my situation. Another problem they are both going through their own little private hell right now, so I have no one to talk to about this. I have never over analyzed conversations with my friend's, just with my relationships. I was one of the few lucky ones that was able to learn how to control my panic attacks and keep them away, why on earth can't I control my over analyzing???? UGGGGGHHHHH!!