graces23

Firstly, this has nothing to do with me not wanting to live or anything, I just feel dissatisfied with where my life is right now, and have for some time…I feel I’m moving away from where I have to be to be happy…or happier…

Is it normal to feel like this? I just feel so guilty. I have wonderful parents who have given me SO much…for example, I work part time because I have a good savings account and earn interest on that (well, I USED to earn good interest on it, not so much nowadays), and this is because my parents have given me money and my grandma’s inheritance and stuff. Otherwise I’d have to work full time like most other people, and I would hate that. Absolutely hate it. I can barely get through the 5 hour days at work as it is, even though they’re short.

They also leant me money interest-free to purchase my first property, which is such a beautiful thing for them to do. I have a lovely 2 bedroom apartment that I live in with my partner. We bought it 6 months ago, and could afford to put new carpet in and painting and stuff. It looks great, except it’s nowhere near as big as our old (rental) place, and we have way too much stuff (mostly my partner’s) so it’s quite crowded and a bit dark-looking.

We live in a nice area. I can walk to work in 10 minutes and to the main city area and shops in 10 minutes in the other direction. We live a 15 minute walk from the beach. YET I am not happy. WHY!? This really bugs me. I was happier in our old rental place, even though it wasn’t as nice, it was old, and I had to get a bus to work and walk 15 minutes to get to that bus. But the apartment was bigger and much lighter and more airy. It was also a beautiful 10 minute park or beachside walk to my most favourite place in the whole world where we used to go for dinner each Friday night…*sigh* I feel that place always calmed me. I needed it to be happy. But now I can’t walk there anymore, I feel like I’ve wilted. I know this sounds so ridiculous. I thought this feeling would go away after a month or so upon moving into our new place, but no. It’s just remained and worsened, if anything. I cried every night for a month before we moved out of our old place. I now just feel sort of numb…I feel trapped within my own mind and stress. We have a pool in our new apartment building, and it’s been really hot most days since we moved in, but have I used it even once? No. Cause there’s always someone in it, and I don’t want to socialise or be exposed in a bathing suit in front of anyone.

I used to write songs and make my own music, but haven’t been very inspired since we moved. I just feel so trapped. I can’t even bring myself to do any housework. On one level I want to do all this stuff like organise things, write songs, go out more, but then…I feel like I “can’t”.

What is wrong with me? I feel I’m losing it. I have no motivation. I hate my job but don’t feel I can say this cause I only work 5 hours a day and also there’s no choice of jobs these days to change and try and improve my working life. I’m lucky to even HAVE a job. I am not overly happy in our new place, but I have no reason to feel this way…I’ve got 2 beautiful 6 month old kittens…my girlfriend is beautiful…my parents are fantastic…why am I like this??