What to do about my son? - Mental Health Message Board

Hamilton92 · 03-24-2009, 06:34 AM

I don't know what to do about my son, his temper is getting so bad.
He is 14 almost 15 years old. He throws temper tantrums worse than a 2 year old and sometimes punches himself in the face when he gets really mad. He doesn't listen to me or my husband when we try to discipline him, he thinks we are just his enemy and hate him.
This morning on the way to school he asked me for a note excusing him from working out in athletics class today. I have to say that he is very lazy and has become overweight and we are trying to motivate him to lose weight. He makes up excuses why he can't participate in athletics and when I told him I wasn't going to write him a note he flipped out in front of the school started screaming at me and hitting the dashboard of the car. This was right in front of the school where kids and a teacher was outside so I'm sure they heard it all. I am worried now what they must have been thinking. I was so frustrated and embarrassed I gave in and wrote his note and told him now get out of the car and go in. I know that was wrong giving in to him but I didn't know what else to do.
He has been diagnosed in the past with bipolar disorder and he has ADHD. His weight problem has caused him severe self confidence problems. I always try to get him to dress nice and fix his hair nice, but I know kids pick on him and call him names because of his weight too. I am awaiting his insurance to kick in so I can get him back on meds. In the meantime please I'd like some advice on what to do. Thanks!

gardenandcats · 03-24-2009, 10:29 PM

The first thing is to get him on the correct meds for his bipolar anger and rages are the norm for untreated bipolar.. If you can not afford them, many drug companies will provide them free.Just do a search for patient assistance program from the drug company that makes the meds he needs,,,
This is the probable cause of the rages untreated bipolar is no fun for him or your family

pendulum · 03-27-2009, 01:13 PM

This is a very complex problem, and you might need the advice from an expert.

Anyway, here's my take...

I am not sure if, in this case, spiritual possession is something to be taken into consideration, probably not, but my impression is that your son could be unconsciously taking the place of someone else in the family and expressing this through inadequate behaviour. Did someone in your family die in the last fifteen years who was very important for him?

For all practical purposes, he is simply acting like a "spoilt child", although, as you yourself have observed, he is a bit too old for throwing these tantrums.

If anything, he needs a very gentle and gradual treatment. His medication could be useful, but isn't medication basically intended to treat the symptoms while not addressing the causes?

It would help if you found out what physical activity he enjoys doing. The range is so wide - from shooting to yoga- that it is virtually impossible for him not to be able to pick something of his taste. Physical activity is very important for him, and this could also include some artistic activity: drawing, music, theatre, whatever.

Be firm with him. "You will only have this (a computer, his favourite food, etc) if you do that." It's a trade-off.

His relationship with his father must be reinforced at this point. A boy must go out with his dad, must do things together with him, he must enter the masculine world if possible led by his father. A boy must have his "freedom" from his mom, if you see what I mean, otherwise he will have difficulty to grow into a healthy man. Please ask your husband to spend some time with his son. Maybe he is just needing a bit of time with his dad. Just a bit, but it must be regular.

If your son is an intellectual type, he might feel attracted to Oriental techniques - tai chi, martial arts, for instance - because these practices are not purely physical. They are also based on your mind.

There are many choices out there. You and your husband could also join one of them, and this would perhaps serve as encouragement for the boy.

If he stays stubborn and refuses to choose, explain calmly to him that this is an essential part of his education and that, unfortunately, it has been neglected so far, but it is not too late yet.

pendulum · 03-28-2009, 03:15 AM

By the way, has he been checked for diabetes?

krazy2day · 03-28-2009, 03:51 AM

My thoughts...

Two things come to mind when you talked about him not caring for himself so well. One, low self esteem (due to his weight) or two, executive dysfunction. Neither are 'easy' fixes. Both require him to re-learn how to function in a more organized manner.

Another thing that come to mind is... you were right when you said you shouldn't have given in (writing his note). You just reinforced his throwing a fit again in the future to get what he wants. (I don't mean that rudely, its just a fact.) Again, this is not an easy fix. You truly need support. I like what pendelum said about involving the father. This is VERY important, for young boys especially. One thing that may help is when you are in a power struggle, give him choices. "You can _____ or you can _____. You Can NOT _______" And you MUST stick to what you say. This takes MUCH practice and it doesn't work ALL of the time, but it should help calm things down. Another thing that may help is... incentives. For some children, the simple things are the hardest. What we think is so simple or natural is often TRULY dreadful for them. For this reason we must be more understanding (and creative) when guiding them. I bet he could use some help with his social skills as well. If children are teasing him, he may not have many friends. This is one good reason to do what the other poster said.. find him something that HE likes and use it to your advantage. My son is pretty oppositional and something that used to work with him was.... allowing him to map a route for us to get away. This helped his spacial skills, geography, graphing, etc... I also made it a point to pretend we were lost now and then and have him ask someone for directions. There's always someone willing to help with directions and this reinforced his social skills. Your son needs age-appropriate socialization of course, so try to involve him in some activities that aren't so discriminating (team sports may not be his best choice). Karate, jitsu, etc.. are great with teaching self disclipine (healthy exercise too).

Another thought... your in OK. You may consider asking your school to do a Multi-factored Evaluation. If he's having trouble with academics, don't hesitate doing this. Tell the school your concerns are related to social and emotional health and overall functioning (academics too if that applies). Your school has a psychologist that will probably check his IQ, his fine motor and gross motor skills. If your son is having problems with behavior in school (whether its related to academics or just getting along with others) they can do a Functional Behavior Assessment. This is when they watch your child for a short time and chart his behaviors. They look for things that may 'trigger' him to fall apart (melt down).

I'm kinda tired.. not thinking too straight. I hope this helps.. sorry it was so long.