winnertakesital

I am at a loss for words for what's going on in my life right now. I am not sure if there are any medical professionals that use this board, but I can sure use some guidance as to what direction I can be pointed in from both doctors and non alike.

I believe that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, as well as Social/Generalized Anxiety & Depression. I am new to this board, so I apologize in advance if I posted this in the wrong forum.

I know that many of you would strongly discourage self-diagnosis, but allow me to explain what's going on. I'm just trying to figure out what's the matter with me. It's going to seem like I'm blabbering off a lot of information, but I am trying to be as honest as I can so I can get some advice.

I am a 22 year old college student living alone. Throughout my entire life, I have always found myself "distant" from others. I wanted to make friends, but it seemed like I had terrible luck doing so. Throughout my child and adolescence, I had a few friendships/relationships blow up into flames because they could not understand my emotions and sometimes my bats of anger. I felt like I was being ignored, rejected, and uncared for all at the same time. It never occurred to me that these were BPD symptoms. Nearly *all* of my friendships turned into this...

I find myself growing very close to most of the people I meet online and in person. When someone I barely knew for ten minutes rejected me, it hurt for a long time and I am still not over it.

I have always had, I believe, a form of social phobia. I don't mind meeting new people one on one, but I get very nervous in groups and I feel as if I might say something embarassing or not to do anything. Club & bars get me nervous, I think because I know people are judging me, as well as meeting the friends of friends. Sometimes I find myself not wanting my friends to meet up with eachother, because sometimes they would all get together and not invite me, and I'd feel rejected.

Of course, with all of this going on, I'm bound to feel depressed too, when I feel alone.

Now, as far as the OCD, I'm not too sure. I could have it, who knows...but all I know is I have a huge problem focusing on others vs. myself. Because my life has been so rough, it literally pains me to see others happy or successful in their endeavors. For example, others my age are getting their degree and I'm not even close yet. I can't even get a basic job etc....So, if I so much as see someone walking into a coffee shop looking happy, or wearing nice clothes, I feel like life has treated me unfairly, and I get a sharp shooting "nerve" pain in my stomach, and feel anxious and depressed for several hours after that, thinking that I am a failure. The job situation has been a huge obsession for awhile now, there isn't a day that goes by where I feel depressed, anxious, and jealous of those who have it better than me. Perhaps that's not all that abnormal for being a human being, but I worry about myself because I think about it so much, and it affects my emotions in such a way.

Now, as if that wasn't all to digest, all of these feelings, which have been building up for a year or so now...(especially the jealousy and nerves)...have multipled to the Nth degree in the last three months. Rejections have occurred just as if they always do, no major traumatic event occurred. So, I'm just worried. Why is this getting worse ? Lord knows, but it's starting to hurt too much.

Obviously, seeing a doctor would be a great thnig to do, but unfortunately, I do not have any health insurance. I have an appointment with an accupuncture specialist in two weeks to see if that helps. This is just so hard for me to talk about to anyone in person, because nobody understands.


I am just so tired of feeling so worried, so down, and so concerned with other's lives as opposed to myself. I have no self confidence, and all I see is everything getting worse. I am pleading for advice from this board as to what steps I can take to kick this in the bud.

I also believe I have devleoped A.D.D. because I have a huge amount of stress, I never get around to cleaning the apartment or even going grocery shopping in ages because acts that should not be extremely stressful are.

I really am looking forward to responses and suggestions, and I appreciate you reading this.

God bless