Depersonalization or Dissociative disorder? - Mental Health Message Board

fibrocrafter · 04-15-2009, 08:09 AM

Hi, I was an abused child emotionally and sexually. As a child, I remember a sense of feeling like I was just an actress playing the part in a movie and that my stepdad was just the actor playing the part as well. I did this in every area of my life. At school, if I was outcasted, I was just playing the part and in my mind, I was actually well liked as well as really beautiful. I was able to do this and have what I called a healthy mind, cause you know in my mind (it was all good) cause it wasn't real. I would even dramatize everything daily, like blowdrying my hair because it was like I was on a reality t.v. show and I was being filmed. I also sort of went out of my way to look for adventures to make the so called movie more interesting....which caused me to become drug, alcohol and sexually outgoing. I mean, I didn't want the "movie" boring and after all, it wasn't real, cause in my (real life) I was a good girl with loving parents and I was well like and really beautiful just for being me.

The problem was...because of my so called actting parts, it caused a lot of real trouble. Pregnant at 16, three babies by age 21, husband suicide at age 22 and then straight into abusive relationship that lead me into intensive care and landed the guy in jail. Anyways, fastforward to now. Happily married to wonderful Christian man...have had two more children and all 5 seem well adjusted cause out lives have revolved around church and healthy activities. They were just little when all the other took place, and they have hardly no memories of that terrible life.

Ok, the thing is. I've lost the ability to be that actress that I used to be. So now, I go through this depression when life it not going the way I want it. Anyways, I'm crying now, so I can't really go on, but my question is, I don't have memory loss, so is it really Dissociative disorder?

reg12 · 04-15-2009, 05:27 PM

Hi fibrocrafter,
Sorry but we are here to talk if you want to talk. Answer questions and give our views if you ask. We are not here to try to diagnose these things. You do have some issues of course. There are articles on DID available and there are several views on what the different authors think. They all seem to agree that it is the mind's way of coping with stress. We all have different ways to handle it and I don't think there is a wrong way. Please do not blame yourself for the problems. You did not cause them. Take care

fibrocrafter · 04-17-2009, 06:56 AM

Thanks so much for the reply. I guess now that my life is stable, my mind has decided that I don't need to dissociate. All the reading that I've done tells me that I should have some childhood memory loss when I was dissociating and I don't. Sometimes I wish I did. I was actually diagnosed with multiple personality disorder one time, but I didn't believe it cause I don't have different identities. I was curious, has anyone out there ever had this disorder and lost the ability and find themselves wishing they could get it back to avoid depression? I guess God is giving me this depression to actually experience feelings to keep from being numb. I don't know. Thanks for replying and listening to me vent. I'm better today.

reg12 · 04-17-2009, 03:09 PM

No problem. There are people with different disorders which cause depression that makes them to feel like they have lost the ability to find their way back. Nobody wants to stay there and those who have not given up keep trying to get out.

I am glad to hear you are feeling better. Any time you need someone to listen or to vent stop by.