fibrocrafter

Hi, I was an abused child emotionally and sexually. As a child, I remember a sense of feeling like I was just an actress playing the part in a movie and that my stepdad was just the actor playing the part as well. I did this in every area of my life. At school, if I was outcasted, I was just playing the part and in my mind, I was actually well liked as well as really beautiful. I was able to do this and have what I called a healthy mind, cause you know in my mind (it was all good) cause it wasn't real. I would even dramatize everything daily, like blowdrying my hair because it was like I was on a reality t.v. show and I was being filmed. I also sort of went out of my way to look for adventures to make the so called movie more interesting....which caused me to become drug, alcohol and sexually outgoing. I mean, I didn't want the "movie" boring and after all, it wasn't real, cause in my (real life) I was a good girl with loving parents and I was well like and really beautiful just for being me.

The problem was...because of my so called actting parts, it caused a lot of real trouble. Pregnant at 16, three babies by age 21, husband suicide at age 22 and then straight into abusive relationship that lead me into intensive care and landed the guy in jail. Anyways, fastforward to now. Happily married to wonderful Christian man...have had two more children and all 5 seem well adjusted cause out lives have revolved around church and healthy activities. They were just little when all the other took place, and they have hardly no memories of that terrible life.

Ok, the thing is. I've lost the ability to be that actress that I used to be. So now, I go through this depression when life it not going the way I want it. Anyways, I'm crying now, so I can't really go on, but my question is, I don't have memory loss, so is it really Dissociative disorder?