fossilapostle

Buddism isn't like depersonalization, though it may sound similar on a superficial level. It's impossible to explain briefly, but the "no ego" thing is an attempt to make you realize that your everyday consciousness, that voice in your head, that we all think of as "ourselves", isn't really.

It's just a mental construct we use to deal with the world. One that is useful and necessary in accomplishing certain tasks, but one that, if mistaken for our "self" can be harmful and the root of suffering, according to Buddist thought. If you can calm yourself enough to stop that voice that you consider to be you from talking all the time (meditation is a great way of learing how to do this, though it takes time to learn), then a lot of the things you thought were problems in your life (like self-consciousness, low self-esteem, envy, greed, anger, hate, pride, shame, etc.) will fall away b/c you will come to realize that there is no "you" in the sense that we normally think of.

There is a you, but it is inseperable from the world around you. There is no such thing as a you that exists alone and separate from the world. "You" is merely part of a much larger system of life that exists in the world.

One example from Zen Buddism has a little wave complaining to a large wave that he has low self esteem b/c he's just a small wave and all the other waves are bigger and more impressive than him. The big wave explains to the little wave that he's not really a wave, but just part of the ocean.

The thing about Buddism though, is that it's not really easy to explain. If you want to understand it, try practicing it in the form of meditation. It's not a religion in the westerm sense of the word. You can practice Buddism without being a Buddist.

Anyway, I know that's not particularly what you were asking for, so sorry, but I didn't want you to get the impression that Buddism is like a mental illness! Just the opposite.


As far as the stuff you actually asked about (lol!), despite what you think, I disagree that your daily smoking of marijuana has nothing to do with your attitude. Just b/c you stopped for a short time and your attitidue didn't change doesn't mean anything. Long term heavy smokers (and that's you if you smoke every day) can take a long time to get over the effects that heavy, constant use of marijuana has on the brain. Sometimes up to a year.

I'm not saying this is your only problem, b/c I don't think it is. But I am sure that if you stopped smoking that that would certainly help. It may get better only slowly and over a period of time, but it will definitely help.

As far as lacking motivation, what do you like to do? It's hard to get motivated to work at jobs you don't like. The only motivation for that is the need of money. And if you can afford to sit around all day not working and smoking weed, then obviously lack of money isn't a motivating factor for you.

So you're going to need to find some positive motivation. You need to figure out what you enjoy and try to find some work that allows you to do that. You may need some schooling or training to get to that point, but if it's something you enjoy, then you'll probably enjoy learning more about it.

So I would suggest quitting the weed, figuring out what you'd like to do with your life - what you'd enjoy doing, and maybe seeing a counselor or psychologist to talk about your other problems.

Good luck!