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Old 06-25-2009, 11:41 AM   #1
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my girl was raped in the past

hi, my name is emmanuel and im sending this out to please get some feedback about how to handle this situation, about a month and a hlf ago, i was really disturbed in my head to realize some things in my head about my girlfriend and her ex, i honsetly hadnt had a problem accepting it for a good while, then one day it just clicked, IN HER PAST SHE GOT DRUNK WOKE UP NEXT TO SOME GUY AND SHE WASNT SURE WHAT TO THINK SHE HAD NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, SO SHE GOT WITH THIS PERSON BECAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT TO SEEM LIKE A ONE NIGHT STAND, i thought it was like a fling but IT TURNS OUT HE LATER BEGGAN PREASSURING HER, TO HAVE HAVE SEX WITH HIM, SHE WASNT LONG WITH HIM ABOUT A MONTH, AND WHEN SHE WAS GOING TO DUMP HIM, HE HIT HER AND RAPPERD HER, SHE DIDNT REALLY HAVE ANY ONE TO GO TO, HER FATHER WAS VERY NEGLECTFUL, AND HER MOTHER IS NOW WITH ANOTHER MAN AND ABBANDONED HER, THE POINT IS HSE NEVER TOLD ANYONE WHO WAS TRUST WORTHY AND WOULD ACT ON IT, I WAS LIVING AN HOUR AWAY AT THAT TIME BECAUSE I MOVED OUT WITH MY BROTHER TO WORK, THIS WENT ON FROM OCTOBER 2008 TO MARCH 2009, AND THEN SHE FINALLY REACHED AN UNCLE WHO HELPED HER GET THIS PERSON AWAY, ME AND HER ALLREADY LIKED EACHOTHER BUT WE NEVER GOT THE COURAGE TO SPEAK WICH MAKES ME FEEL WORSE BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I COULD OF PREVENTED IT, THE MOST HORRIBLE THING IS THAT SHES BE RAPED IN THE PAST, SHES ALSO BEEN MOLESTED, SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TOUCHED WRONG BY THIS GUY THAT WAS 17 WHEN SHE WAS LIKE 2, THEN THE GUY HER MOM IS WITH RAPED HER WHEN SHE WAS 4, THEN HE DID IT AGAIN WHEN HE SHE WAS 8, SHE ALSO SAID THAT A BUM RAPED HER WHEN SHE WAS 10, THEN FINALLY THIS PIECE OF **** SHE WAS WITH, WICH A DONT CONSIDER A RELATIONSHIP, SHE SAIS HE DI IT ABOUT 20 TO 25 TIME, IT MAKES ME SO SAD, I FEEL SO GUILTY FOR GETTING ANGRY AND THINKING SHE WAS JUST ON A LUSTING RELATOONSHIP, BUT SHE ISNT THAT KIND OF GIRL, FOR SOME REASON ITS BEEN HAUNTING ME DAY IN AND DAY OUT. IT BOTHERS ME SO MUCH THAT HE HAD TO TOUCH HER WITH HIS DIRTY ******* PART, I GUESS THIS SITUATION BOTHERS ME SO MUCH MORE THAN THE OTHERS BECAUSE I KNOW WHO THE PERSON IS, THE TOUGHT OF WHAT SHE TOLD ME MADE ME CRY AT WORK AT HOME, AND ANYWHERE WHERE NO ONE COULD SE ME, IT MADE ME THROW UP, ITS GOING ON TO TWO MONTHS IVE SPOKEN TO MY THERAPIST, COUNSELORS AND CRISIS HOT LINES, I EVEN GOT MEDS, I LOVE HER SO MUCH, AND IVE BEEN ABLE TO LIVE AROPUND THIS, BUT IT SITS IN MY MIND LIKE A SPLINTER, IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE ON WHO TO TALK TO LIKE A SPECIALIST ONTHESE TYPES OF SITUASIONS I WOULD GREATLY APRECCIATE YOURE REPLY THANK YOU.

 
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Old 06-26-2009, 05:20 AM   #2
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Re: my girl was raped in the past

First of all, don't shout in CAPITALS. I know you are angry, but that just makes your post hard to get through.
Expect her to have flashbacks, or moments of post-traumatic stress. Be there for her.
Hold her. Tell her you love her. The two of you can get through this. Therapy could help both of you a great deal, speaking from experience. It is going to take a lot of time, and patience.

 
Old 07-01-2009, 06:42 PM   #3
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Re: my girl was raped in the past

hehe, sorry to make it sound like i was shouting, its just to highlight what concerns me the most, actually its really not her, she doesnt have any flashbacks to much or at all, its kinda all in my head, its gotten to the point where when someone makes a comment thats even a little sexual, (it doesnt even have to be sexual it can just sound figuratively sexual) it brings it back to my brain the fact that she was hurt thart, way, what gets to me so much is to know that this guy touched her with his dirty body part, and tat she has to have this in her past, just tell that i still love her, i dont change with her, i treat her like a queen, i hold all of the panic and anguish inside, i just hate to feel like because i cant let this go means im going to lose her, or that my love for her is going to die out, she is so much more special than the pain inside me, and i just want to hold on, i hold on every day, i tell myself that its in the past, that it doesnt matter, that she is clean that she is what keeps me going, i really apreciate you responding to my reply, im glad theres people out there that have gotten over this kind of predicament, it hurts so much that i see her smile every day and im hurting about her past, it hurts her a lot to know that im hurtig for that reason and she tells sometimes to the point that i cant hide it, im really going to try the counseling, i go to a counselor, maybe it be a good idea that we went together maybe to work through this together, i guess i havent gone thorugh the couples counceling because i dont want her to go back to it, and i definately dont want to see her cry,

 
Old 07-01-2009, 06:54 PM   #4
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Re: my girl was raped in the past

You need to talk with someone, to let it out, so that it doesn't disrupt your relationship.
The relationship sounds great! I would hate to see it sabotaged by your hidden feelings.
I would also hate to have these feelings tearing you apart on the inside. A counselor or therapist can help a great deal.

 
Old 07-01-2009, 07:30 PM   #5
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Re: my girl was raped in the past

thanks can i ask you something, how long did it actualy take you to get over it, i know its varies from person to person, but it be nice to get an estimation of how long i may be going through with this

 
Old 07-02-2009, 02:52 AM   #6
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Re: my girl was raped in the past

The things that happened to my girl, happened long before I knew her.
She was over them, and she was my first, so it wasn't such an issue with me.
People are different, and take different amount of time to come to terms.
Best of luck. You both deserve it.

 
Old 09-19-2009, 01:55 PM   #7
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Re: my girl was raped in the past

Quote:
Originally Posted by mondragon1 View Post
thanks can i ask you something, how long did it actualy take you to get over it, i know its varies from person to person, but it be nice to get an estimation of how long i may be going through with this
Mondragon,
I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend has gone through so much. As horrible as it sounds, it is not uncommon. (speaking from experience)
My first suggestion would be for the two of you to go to couples counseling. It will help you deal with the anger and emotions that you are feeling. It will also show her how much you love and support her. Hopefully it will allow her to realize how important it is for her to work through the many issues that she has resulting from past abuse.
In your last post you mention that it doesn't really affect her...this should be addressed. People who have gone through such childhood trauma have a remarkable ability to "block out" or become emotionally detached from the things that have happened to them. While this is a good coping mechanism during the abuse, it can reek havoc in a persons life afterwards. (I have blocked out so much of my childhood that I can not remember much of my childhood before age 16. What I do remember usually comes in the form of a flashback)
If your girlfriend has not had some form of counseling, the events of her past will affect her and she may not even know it. By the sounds of things it already has. When a person lives through childhood abuse their self esteem and self worth is all but diminished. Low self worth is what made her stay with the man that raped her. In her mind..that is what she had always endured so she felt as if she was getting what she deserved or that what he was doing was "normal". (been there, done that) Without counseling this type of self destructive behavior will continue. It is a very hard cycle to break.
I would like to suggest that you purchase a book. It is both for the survivor of sexual abuse and for loved ones and family members. It is called The Courage to Heal. It helped me and my boyfriend accept and deal with my past.
Please do not get angry and say things to your girlfriend about wanting to go after the guy that did this to her. This sometimes can scare her and make her fear you. This is a woman who has been hurt and can frighten easily. The best thing you can do is show her what REAL love is. Show her how a real man treats a lady. Be gentle, loving, sweet, understanding, and introduce her to unconditional love.
I wish you and your girlfriend the very best. Hold on to her, cherish her and love her for who she is.

 
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