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Old 07-19-2009, 04:26 AM   #1
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Question Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Hi everyone, I'm new here, I was grateful to find you guys and have been reading a lot of the posts and getting some great tips and ideas.

I chose my username because it describes how I feel - completely fed up, frustrated and just generally over the way I feel.

I'll give you a quick background so you know what I'm after. Will try to be broad and avoid triggering anyone, but I apologise profusely if I do.

I was abused as a child - physically, emotionally and sexually by my alcoholic father who also beat my mum and siblings - so I guess it's safe to say that I came from a dysfunctional family. Of course, this affected the way I view men and my ability to have healthy relationships. In fact, as soon as I moved out of home, I moved in with a guy who was the same as my father, but instead of alcohol, it was drugs. I'm sure that many of you can relate to the pattern of finding terrible boyfriends who treat you like sh*t and completely remove any trace of self esteem.

Anyway, a few years ago, I somehow got myself a stalker. He wasn't someone I knew, just some old, fat guy who was heavy breathing and scratching on my bedroom window at night. The police couldn't do anything as I couldn't identify the guy, so in the end (after 2 years of being a prisoner in my own home - too scared to go out) I had to sell my house and move.

I've been undergoing counselling and seeing a psychologist on and off for over 10 years, I have been diagnosed with severe depression and extreme post traumatic stress - probably as a result of both my childhood and the stalker. I've managed to hold down jobs for a long time and was coping really well until recently when my boss triggered me in a way that's never happened before. She's been belittling me and generally treating me like sh*t - exactly how my father and the string of men after him made me feel.

I'm freaking out! I've been off work for over 2 months now, I'm on leave without pay, and barely get myself out of bed in the mornings. I've never had depression this bad before!! My memory has all but dissappeared, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want any visitors and I don't want to go to the doctor or to see my psychologist (though I force myself most of the time). I can't bring myself to do any housework and only seem to manage a shower every 4 days or a week (- yeah i stink).

I think that this bout of depression may have hit me worse because I'm not using my normal coping pattern as I've recently realised that its not healthy for me (sex - it's possible I'm a sex addict too - it's the only way i know of to make me feel good about myself - however briefly)

I'm on Zoloft - 200mgs and I don't feel it's helping me at all. I'm under a lot of pressure to return to work, but I feel i will have a complete breakdown if I do - and I'm terrified of that.

anyway, my stepfather has gotten it into his head that I need an "adventure", he truly believes it would help me to get better if I went on this adventure overseas or somewhere and find myself or something? I think that going overseas is a truly terrible idea because it'll bring me much more stress and its highly likely that I'd just hole myself up in a hotel and not move - at least I have my dogs at home to keep me company. So my stepfather has offered me $10,000 to have an adventure, but I'm thinking more along the lines of intensive therapy. I know that I'm exceptionally lucky to have a great step-father who would do such a thing and I'm extremely grateful. I'm sure that if I come up with an idea involving therapy and perhaps a one week holiday, he'll go along with that too.

Does anyone know of an intensive therapy program in Australia that may help me? I had my heart set on the Sanctuary in Byron Bay but it's around $28,000 per week - way out of range of my stepfather's offer. I don't want to do groups, I don't want to have to eat organic only foods and be denied coffee, sugar etc - I want personalised, intensive therapy to get me the hell over my past! I'm so sick of every aspect of my life being affected by my past, of always having to worry about my reactions, my thoughts and all the rest that comes with it. I just want to love myself and feel generally ok about life.

Any ideas? This is the opportunity of a lifetime for me to heal myself and I can't find the right service to help me!

Thanks very much for reading this! I'd appreciate all suggestions.

 
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Old 07-19-2009, 09:51 AM   #2
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Welcome to the Board aaaaargh. Sorry you are having problems finding the help you are looking for. I do not know about the intensive therapy programs where you live. I do know here it is very hard to find a doctor that specializes in the help you need. I was just helping a friend last week and I personally looked at over 120 different phychiatrists and out of that only 2 in one city in southeast of one state and 2 in northwest city of another state 100 miles away that had any experiance working with the disorder similar to yours. I was very surprised how hard it was to find help.

About your boss. Do you think you could sit down with her and expain how her management skills upset you? Maybe work out a different method that she could help you that would not be as harsh. Maybe she does not even realize that she makes others feel like that.

Good luck

 
Old 07-20-2009, 07:04 AM   #3
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Thanks very much for your response Reg12, I appreciate your time!

I've spoken to my boss on numerous occasions and she has admitted that she's very "abrasive" and that it is a problem in her personal life and not just at work. She did say that she'd make an effort - though never apologised or changed her behaviour... or even acknowledge that it's something she might want to consider working on. I actually broke down in her office on my last day and she told me that she didn't think that the dynamic between us would change and that I should find another job - very supportive and understanding huh?

It's very hard to find help, my psychologist is fantastic, but I can't see him as often as I'd like and I'm just praying that I can find a suitable intensive that can help me. It shouldn't be this hard!

Thanks again.

 
Old 07-20-2009, 07:42 AM   #4
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

I know what you mean, with this type of boss. I have found most places have them. I just decided that a person like that is not going to make me leave, when I like what I do. It sounds like she has problems in her life and then just shares it with all of you. Expect nothing from her and you will never be disappointed. It is easier for her to tell you to find a job, than it would be to be more considerate and be a good manager. Sounds like she lacks the desire to be better at her job.

 
Old 07-20-2009, 08:10 AM   #5
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Usually I'd react in the same way - you know, work my butt off and be extra friendly just to annoy her! But she's triggered me so badly that I'm having nightmares about my father raping me or chasing me, or just being in my life again (haven't spoken in bout 15 years).

I'm also dreaming about my last boyfriend who I absolutely loved with all my heart and who (of course) was completely emotionally unavailable, and then cheated on me - the worst thing is that in the dreams, I'm trying to get him back - even though I know that won't happen and I wouldn't allow it to happen.

I probably just miss the feeling of having someone around but geez, it's been a year now! Why won't my mind let me rest?

So I'm putting off sleeping because I'm scared of the dreams (it's 1am here right now, probably won't go to bed until 5-6am) and also because with my father and that stalker, I find night time very scary and (despite having two large dogs who sleep on my bed) I just don't feel safe. Am also waking up every hour or two when I do sleep (day or night) and it's driving me crazy! I've tried everything I can think of, meditation, relaxation, tablets, alcohol, herbal tea - but even if I get to sleep quickly, which I usually don't, I am still waking up all the time, it's so frustrating! I'm fully aware that being on the computer right now doesn't help, but even if I turn it off and do a meditation, I lay there with my mind going a million miles an hour!

The woman made me feel worthless, like I'm absolutely nothing! And I guess that has triggered off my deep dark feelings of not being good enough for anyone because there must be something wrong with me in order for my father to not love me how a child should be loved.

Logically I get that it isn't true, but I just can't stop the hurt inside or the feeling that if I was a "good" girl, or was how I was supposed to be, he would have just loved me..

I'm sorry, get me going and I can't stop! There's so much built up inside me that it just spews out. Please don't feel obliged to write back, I've said soooo much that it might take you all night. I think it's just helpful being able to get it out and not feel judged by the look on someone's face - you know?

Thanks again mate!

 
Old 07-20-2009, 08:43 AM   #6
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Do not worry about saying what you feel. It is very helpful being able to get it out.
That is the best thing for us at times.

 
Old 07-20-2009, 08:51 AM   #7
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Thanks Reg! I'm just so confused and depressed, I hate being like this!

 
Old 07-20-2009, 09:11 AM   #8
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Of course none of us like those feelings. You have to keep telling yourself that those memories are from your past. You are a good person. You know it, but you have to keep reminding yourself.

 
Old 07-20-2009, 09:28 AM   #9
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Thanks again Reg. You are right of course!

 
Old 07-22-2009, 06:08 PM   #10
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Re: Multiple issues - don't know where to get help

Yes, he is...he's a good man

 
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