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Old 07-22-2009, 08:03 PM   #1
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34 Year Old Virgin

Yes it's true and it's such a paralyzing issue. Iím 34 years old African American woman and yes I am a virgin, but thatís not the worse of it. I have a fear of physical intimacy and sex. I have avoided it all of my life to the point in which I donít date for I donít want to touch, kiss or be in anyway intimate with him.

I have some ideas of where this came to be. Being flashed by boys in school; being around promiscuous kids growing up; seeing my mother fight with my father; seeing my mother fight with her boyfriend constantly while growing up; being harassed by some pervert as a child; being rejected by boys as a teen, any or all of these are possible reasons. Iíve never gotten over them. I feel more like Iím 14 years old than 34 emotionally and sexually.

Also, the twisted view of sex in this society has completely turned me off. Everyone my age thinks that ďPorno SexĒ is the only way to proceed. Oral, Anal and all that stuff is just sick in my opinion and scares me that people find this activity acceptable. Also, I donít like germs of any kind. I cannot drink out of cup that my own mother drinks out of. So, I just cannot fathom kissing a man on the lips and if I do it certainly will not be with my tongue.

In a way, I wish I was born 50 years ago when values were more conservative. I would have fit in much better. Today, I feel like an odd ball. Maybe I am or maybe there are others who feel the way I do and I should reach out to them. I just donít know.

I do know that when most women my age are at their sexual peak, I have not even begun. In a way, I am fine with that, but in this overtly sexual world I feel like oddity.

Is there anyone out there like me? Probably not.

 
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Old 07-23-2009, 08:34 PM   #2
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

I guess I'm the only one

 
Old 07-24-2009, 03:26 AM   #3
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

You are not the only one. There can be many reasons for this both physical and mental. Everything has to work together to cause the right response. Your fear is something that needs to be worked on. Professional help is always recommended.

 
Old 07-24-2009, 09:00 AM   #4
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

I have a female friend, age 45, and is a virgin. She used to refer to herself as the "one date wonder." But a few years ago, she actually had a second date with a guy. I'm not sure she's ever been kissed. She's not waiting for marriage, but she is waiting for someone special. So, don't let the age discourage you. I have another friend who was a virgin on her wedding night, and she was over 40.

It's ok to never be in a sexual relationship. But if you truly want to be, then it is time for a professional to help you. And now is the time...when I was 33, my hormones gave me the sex drive of a 17 year old boy...good times!

As for the "porn sex," it's good once in a while, but a good lover knows women (and men) need loving, affectionate sex, too. And in a good relationship you make love some days, and some days the animals come out to play.

 
Old 07-24-2009, 11:33 AM   #5
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

I agree with you that it's probably something that happened in your childhood or teens that put you off sex, though I'm not sure if the things you listed would be enough to do that.

Whatever it is though, it's not going to just go away on its own. I think that some professional counseling could really help you. I suggest seeing a psychologist.

 
Old 08-17-2009, 06:09 PM   #6
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

when i read your post it is very similar to myself.
i am 32 and was a virgin until I 'lost my virginity' to two different guys I had a one night stands with when i was 28/29 within weeks of each other.
most of my youth and adulthood so far i have suffered from depression to varying degrees throughout the years.
although i still struggle with the issue, i have found that masterbation has been a great tool. i make a point to masterbate once a week. sometimes i do it more some times less. i have learned to orgasm and it is something you definately don't want to miss out on! not only does it allow one to become more comfortable with your body, it releases positive chemicals within the brain that are great for your mind.

 
Old 08-29-2009, 06:35 AM   #7
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

CSense,

HAVE you ever talked to a therapist about this problem?

 
Old 09-22-2009, 05:27 AM   #8
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

Hi there, I have a very different story to yours, but the end result is the same: I am celibate and in my case, I don't want to be. I am a 42 year old woman in Australia. I have Bipolar Disorder and Panic and Anxiety Disorders. I am also a 10 years sober alcoholic. Despite being a blackout drinker from 14 years of age, I was (in my circles back then) a late starter with my first sexual encounter just a couple of weeks off my 18th birthday. Well, now with being sexually active and being a blackout drunk at the same time, I was horrifically promiscuous (aside from 4 years in my mid 20's when I was with one guy. I was even drunk when I met and had sex with him). I come across as a very assertive, strong woman, but the reality is that with men, especailly ones I like romantically, I am like that 14 year old girl - very nervous etc. But boy, by the time I got sober in AA ay 32, I had racked up some list of men I had slept with, always meeting them when I was drunk, usually in blackout. You can imagine the standard of men I trawled up!! lol. No, it's not really funny, I was in dangerous, degrading situations again and again. I could easily have been killed and it was one of my "lovers" trying to strangle me to death that was my "rock bottom" and got me into AA.

I am now ten and a half years sober but I have had only one sexual encounter in all those years. Here goes, I am going to say it - it was with a male escort about five years ago because I thought I should break the "drought" somehow. It was, in fact a very good experience - not sexually - I was on antidepressants then and they can damper down libido, but being held, fully clothed and being coddled, like a baby (I'm starting to cry now) was, withiout doubt, very therapeutic. Strange to say, many people would judge me for this, because prostiution is frowned upon, but it was SO MUCH MORE civilised than two bar flies getting together for sordid sex, like I did in the past, and a million times safer too as I went with a well-credentialled agency.

But here I am, off antidepressants and raring to go - for friendship with a man, sex, dating. I Internet dated last year and met a guy who was nice - he took me out to restaurants all over town. But I just had the "ick" factor with him and I called it off.

I struggle so much with my mental illnesses that I don't really get enough stable time to put myself on the market yet, and I don't know if I ever will.

There are many empowered women who choose to be celibate. But I guess this isn't a choice for me - my dating and sex status is not to my choosing. But I guess I just need to keep that part of my life open for opportunities. I don't really know the answer.

So, here we are, with our very different sexual life trajectories, but with a similar status.

Wendy

 
Old 01-07-2010, 11:27 PM   #9
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Re: 34 Year Old Virgin

I have some similarities to what you posted.
I would ask, do you masturbate? You don't have to answer if you don't want to but it might make a difference. I was abused by a man when I was young (though don't remember anything sexual, just verbal) and do fear intimacy with guys as well. Kissing sounds gross to me, but I know it feels good. I am very OCD, though.
I don't know if masturbating might help? My doctor said it's the safest sex to have, and I imagine it's the first kind for a lot of people.

 
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