I dont feel like I fit and I never will again
I have been told in the past I am dyslexic, although I dont suffer with any major symptoms.
I notice my mind works very differently to everyone elses, it leads me to feel very distant, and oftern I say the wrong thing.
I am here of a general feeling of pain and numbness I feel almost constantly.
please forgive me as I have tryed hard to erase my memories of a personaly painfull past and although I know I'm probably just complaining for nothing as although in reality my problems are tiny to some that others have.
I suppose I dont really see my self as having a mental health problem, but it dosent ease the fact I feel how I feel.
now all I can draw on is I have been out of a long term relationship for 8 months now (the relationship lasted 6 years "I'm only 24").
the girl I was with had mental health problems and through the best of my ability I never tried to change her I just tryed to be there for her. at the time of the relationship I was a "normal" teenager.
she tended to direct her inner pain out upon myself and I have recently discovered she was repeatedly unfaithfull.
I'm going to explain how the relationship ended:- over christmas she beleived she had constipation, the pain got so much she went in to hospital after trying numerous drugs and laxitives.
it later turned out she had a cancerous syst on her overy, this news obviously crushed me.
The cyst burst just before they removed it and she lost 9 pints of blood (they were giving her blood as she was loosing it) shortly after she came out of hospital she told me she would be looking for another man, I said out of hurt and discust "I hope they wouldnt want children"
As bad as this makes me sound I do realise I only said it because other times she had said things like this I just let it hurt me but never showed it.
this quickly became the ending of our relationship I found out on valentines day this year that she wanted to leave me over the phone and I didnt want to talk as I was at work.
later that night when I tried to contact her to talk about it I couldnt.
I later discovered this was because she had been out on a date with a guy she met a couple of days before and she was sleeping with him whilst I wasnt sure what was going on.
she had said things like "I dont think I want to be with you" before to hurt me
she controled every part of my life, I lost friends, I stoped going to college, I could no longer talk to people without her having to know the ins and outs of the conversation.
I quickly fell in to a depressive state for the following month as I strived to find someone, in which I was succesful.
the following relationship was fantastic the girl was so understanding, I fell madly in love even to a point that after 2 months I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. to my supprise she felt the same way.
but yet again I make the mistake. one day I was inbetween jobs as I felt a career change would help me shift the 6 years and I had just finnished my last job.
all weekend I felt there was an air of distance, she was going through a bit of a "headache" period.
I made plans to go out with my new girlfriend and throughout the day I tryed to contact her to find out when to meet her.
she had gone out with her mother, I tryed texting, and in this day and age I believed no one goes out without their phone.
so I tryed a couple of times, when she got back, she was livid with me saying that she had just not taken her phone and that I was crowding her.
the next few days hurt like nothing before, I slowly learned that I had obvioously moved to fast, and that was that.
I still feel madly in love with the girl, I know I will never speak with her again, at her wishes.
but since that point I have just started to realise some rather odd things about myself, I never adapted a way of speaking to people, flurting is right out,
I feel as if I deserve not to be loved. I have little to no friends (I have made some small relationships with the people I work with)
I am distanced, but I feel so alone, I cant talk to anyone.
I am so disconnected.
I feel I'll never find love again as I find it imposible to make those steps to talking to new people and anyone I let close from my work I scare them with just bouts of depression.
I dont suffer with depression, but I'm just stuck feeling like I wish I was never here,
at work I switch off what makes me me, I become a machine, I could work non stop but that would be unhealthy, so when I'm home alone, I have nothing other to think about.
I strive to put myself out there but I always end up feeling so distant and useless.
I really do think sometimes about not being, but I never act on it because I dont want to upset my family.
What can I do? im stuck