I have been told in the past I am dyslexic, although I dont suffer with any major symptoms.
I notice my mind works very differently to everyone elses, it leads me to feel very distant, and oftern I say the wrong thing.
I am here of a general feeling of pain and numbness I feel almost constantly.
please forgive me as I have tryed hard to erase my memories of a personaly painfull past and although I know I'm probably just complaining for nothing as although in reality my problems are tiny to some that others have.
I suppose I dont really see my self as having a mental health problem, but it dosent ease the fact I feel how I feel.
now all I can draw on is I have been out of a long term relationship for 8 months now (the relationship lasted 6 years "I'm only 24").
the girl I was with had mental health problems and through the best of my ability I never tried to change her I just tryed to be there for her. at the time of the relationship I was a "normal" teenager.
she tended to direct her inner pain out upon myself and I have recently discovered she was repeatedly unfaithfull.
I'm going to explain how the relationship ended:- over christmas she beleived she had constipation, the pain got so much she went in to hospital after trying numerous drugs and laxitives.
it later turned out she had a cancerous syst on her overy, this news obviously crushed me.
The cyst burst just before they removed it and she lost 9 pints of blood (they were giving her blood as she was loosing it) shortly after she came out of hospital she told me she would be looking for another man, I said out of hurt and discust "I hope they wouldnt want children"
As bad as this makes me sound I do realise I only said it because other times she had said things like this I just let it hurt me but never showed it.
this quickly became the ending of our relationship I found out on valentines day this year that she wanted to leave me over the phone and I didnt want to talk as I was at work.
later that night when I tried to contact her to talk about it I couldnt.
I later discovered this was because she had been out on a date with a guy she met a couple of days before and she was sleeping with him whilst I wasnt sure what was going on.
she had said things like "I dont think I want to be with you" before to hurt me
she controled every part of my life, I lost friends, I stoped going to college, I could no longer talk to people without her having to know the ins and outs of the conversation.
I quickly fell in to a depressive state for the following month as I strived to find someone, in which I was succesful.
the following relationship was fantastic the girl was so understanding, I fell madly in love even to a point that after 2 months I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. to my supprise she felt the same way.
but yet again I make the mistake. one day I was inbetween jobs as I felt a career change would help me shift the 6 years and I had just finnished my last job.
all weekend I felt there was an air of distance, she was going through a bit of a "headache" period.
I made plans to go out with my new girlfriend and throughout the day I tryed to contact her to find out when to meet her.
she had gone out with her mother, I tryed texting, and in this day and age I believed no one goes out without their phone.
so I tryed a couple of times, when she got back, she was livid with me saying that she had just not taken her phone and that I was crowding her.
the next few days hurt like nothing before, I slowly learned that I had obvioously moved to fast, and that was that.
I still feel madly in love with the girl, I know I will never speak with her again, at her wishes.
but since that point I have just started to realise some rather odd things about myself, I never adapted a way of speaking to people, flurting is right out,
I feel as if I deserve not to be loved. I have little to no friends (I have made some small relationships with the people I work with)
I am distanced, but I feel so alone, I cant talk to anyone.
I am so disconnected.
I feel I'll never find love again as I find it imposible to make those steps to talking to new people and anyone I let close from my work I scare them with just bouts of depression.
I dont suffer with depression, but I'm just stuck feeling like I wish I was never here,
at work I switch off what makes me me, I become a machine, I could work non stop but that would be unhealthy, so when I'm home alone, I have nothing other to think about.
I strive to put myself out there but I always end up feeling so distant and useless.
I really do think sometimes about not being, but I never act on it because I dont want to upset my family.
You seem to have gone through quite a lot. Perhaps this has taught you how to handle relationships in the future. In the mean time though, I think if you really like the second girl, you would try to get her back and see past her mistake. Hopefully it hasnt been long enough since she fell away from you but I think the reason why you were very angry with her was because you grew impatient without a response which is quite natural when you become desperate for someone but sometimes you need to allow things to happen. Perhaps it was your insecurity over your previous relationship mishaps that made you very insecure.
More importantly, you need to start living normal again, do the job you enjoy the most, like in a decent way, ideal but very hard for just about anyone Id say.
You mentioned that you feel you "dont deserve to be loved", well this is entirely about your own opinion on what you want in life. So perhaps next time you meet someone whos interesting, just try to go through the flow of things. When you are going through the flow of things, one day something wonderful can happen which will make your recent memory and issues all dissapear. From there, if you can build on it without any awkward things, then you might feel that life has suddenly become as good as it was at one point.
Anyway let me know what you do, if anything I mentioned makes sense or which one of the two advises you are more likely to follow. Thanks
Thank you for your kind words, when I went through depression because my first (longterm) girlfriend had treated me like I was worthless and then I felt her life was falling away from me and I had no where to turn, then she left me half way through.
I stoped eating because food had no taste, it was strange I wanted to eat, I wanted to be happy, but as you say meeting someone who I just let things happen it did all just disapeer.
But I whole hartedly think I just fell into insecurity and thats what happened the day I lost her. she is gone for good I'm sorry to say. I have tryed to "rebuild that bridge" since and my messages just fall upon deaf ears.
I suppose I'm lucky in the sence I have never been confuse about my sexuality, I know I have never fancied men. I just find I'm rubbish at communicating with women.
I work in a job that the ratio in percentage is 80% women to 20% men.
I can chat fine, I just cant seem to flurt or ask people out.
Not that I think I'm in a state of mind to do so, I just feel useless and always so alone.
It would be fantastic to build a strong group of friends but the people I work with (great at work, outside they are so unreliable)
You mention that you would love to create a group of friends, perhaps you can start by going somewhere with your colleagues. Perhaps you can find someone you get along with and discuss with them what you have gone through. You say your communication with women suck but I think your two long term relationships dont quite suggest what you mean.
I guess your time with the girl is all over, will take time to recover, best of luck. Thanks