First of all, I have no idea if this is the right board, so sorry if it isn't.
Hi, I'm 19. I've never done any kind of drug, so rule that one out. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a hypochondriac... mainly because I really think there is something wrong with me but I'm not sure what. But I guess that's normal for a hypochondriac to think so I'm not sure. Anyways, that's confusing.
Really I want to know if anyone has heard or experienced or thought the same things I have. Simple as that. I don't know where to start really... I don't know when the beginning was even.
Ever since I was a child, I've had these thoughts that kind of like..control what I do. Like, in order to convince myself to clean the dishes, my mind would tell me someone I love would die if I didn't clean them. This is something that I remember happening around the time I was 10, and has continued. I don't want these thoughts, and really they are driving me crazy. I can't help but think them either, like a natural response to anything I do wrong. Even today if I were to go and put a dish down without washing it, my mind would guilt me into washing it anyways. Sorry, the dishwashing thing is just something I'm most familiar with. It occurs with other things too.
I have two chairs in my room, and every night before bed I have to make them both face the TV or it...bothers me. And when I'm in the bathroom washing up before bed, I have a routine I have to do. After I was my hands, I have to make sure I have turned the water off by turning them until I hear this squeaking noise, and sometimes I do it repeatedly to make sure they're off. Recently one of the nobs has stopped making the squeak noise for whatever reason and it drives me crazy. Then I have to always look behind my shower curtain to make sure, I dunno, someone isn't there? I know if I don't do this, I get a shiver feeling in my body and have to shake it off. Sometimes I even do this routine two or three times to be sure.
The reason I make sure I turn off the water is because one night, while lying in bed, I heard the water running even though I could swear I turned it off. This made me paranoid that something had turned it on, and so now I guess I'm obsessive about turning it off? I don't want to be, but I can't really help it. If I try not to do these things I can't sleep. Yeah...it's weird. Sounds weird typing it.
Something else that I think is common is that, while laying in bed, if I see something such as a bunch of white clothes hanging together on my closet rack, I'll have to get up and move them. I do this because, when I take off my glasses the clothes blur together and look like someone standing in my room. In my opinion it'd be normal to want to move clothes, but this happens with other things too. Like if I see something laying on the floor, I have to move it or I'll keep looking at it. I don't have to put it away, just move it away from my sight. Same thing if something is on my couch.
When I'm trying to go to sleep, sometimes I get this weird feeling like every time I close my eyes someone is hovering over me. Then the thought goes to them having a knife about to stab me. When I was younger I used to be afraid that someone was under my bed and going to stab me from underneath it with a long knife. Or somehow when I lay my head on my pillow, a knife would be under it and stab me... silly thoughts that I can't help. Other times I'll hear someone quite clearly say my name and it will jolt me. I think that has to do with being tired. One time I had this really disturbing "dream" right as I closed my eyes of like, me looking into a tv and someone looking at me through it and very quickly zooming up to it. This happened a few nights in a row and would always wake me up. Other times I'll just randomly twitch, which I hear is normal, and be jolted to wake up.
I'll see things out of the corner of my eye sometimes. Sometimes it's clear that I just seen some random black blob hover near my ceiling to my light, other times I think "Did I just see something?" It's enough to where, one night I thought I seen the same old random black blob floating across my floor, only it turned out to be a mouse. It's almost always the same black blob, very very rarely I'll see a like "light" flash that seems to move across my room. It scared me at first but now it's kind of normal. And they happen very quickly, the mouse was so quick that I mistook it for what I usually see. This has happened a lot during my life that I remember. When I was very young I distinctly remember laying my head down on a couch, and opening my eyes to see a "girl with blonde hair in a blue dress" standing in front of me and disappearing all at once, then looking over and seeing a cat on my dining room table jump through a mirror like thing... only I wasn't sick. I also "seen" people dance on the table tops on a different occasion. Once when I was sick I hallucinated so vividly that I mistook my sister for a shark, and my bathroom for an iced over lake. I'm not sure being sick is supposed to make you hallucinate that bad. Another time I seen someone walk behind me in a TV reflection, but turned around to no-one there. I think I'm paranoid.
I also have to sleep with the TV on because...I don't think it's so much the dark as it is having to know other people exist. Like, hmm...how to describe it. Like I'm not the only person in the world. Sometimes when the power goes out I get this feeling like I'm all alone, no one else exists. Just disturbing things. I don't even need a TV on if someone is in the room with me. But if they're in the other room I need the TV.
Recently I've had this very random new problem when I eat. I've never been an over-eater, I'm actually underweight. But this problem isn't helping me at all...I'm becoming like paranoid of swallowing food. I have-HAVE- to have a glass of water with me at all times when I eat, even if I have another drink there. Like in the morning I'll have a glass of coffee, chocolate milk, and water. If I run out of water I have to get more, even if I have plenty of the other stuff because water makes everything go down easier.
The paranoia I have with eating is eating and breathing at the same time. For some reason I've become scared of swallowing food and breathing...like I don't know how to eat and breathe. Like I've lost my natural instinct of how to breathe without choking on my food, or rather gained a paranoia of choking from breathing while I'm swallowing food. I have to hold my breath when I eat now. Just this morning, while I was eating breakfast, my dad said something to me and I literally coughed up my food. I was concentrating so hard on breathing while I was eating that when he spoke, it caught me off guard and I don't know, I just felt like I was choking. If nothing else, this will end up being the reason I have to do something. I'm eating even less now because I'm so paranoid about choking.
I also tend to twitch during the day. Just random twitching. Sometimes when everything is really quiet, I'll twitch because it makes me nervous. Like my head with jerk to one side because of it. It's strange, and it's been since I was around 14 I think.
One last thing to note is that, I have an antisocial issue I guess. I get along with people fine, but I have trouble starting or carrying on a conversation. Not only that but I generally don't want to go out or "hang out" with anyone. When I was around 11 this started, where I would avoid my friends so I didn't have to go out or have them come over. It's not like I don't like them, it's more that I just don't want to be around anyone and don't want to go out and be in awkward situations. Sometimes I think I want to, but then I'll back out of it because the thought of a crowd or being around people just turns me off.
I also get very nervous around new people, or just more than two people I know, that my thoughts get jumbled. I can know what I'm going to say, and when it comes out I won't say it right or I'll forget mid-sentence what I was even talking about. This is starting to happen more frequently with people I know even, I'll be talking to them but can never get my thought across because I just can't express what I'm thinking. It's annoying really. When I was younger I would daydream for fun. Literally. Especially when music was on. I'd go so far as to get mad if my mom would change the station mid-song, even if I didn't care for the song, because my daydream would be going along with that particular song. I also had little imaginary friends/people I "saw" or imagined up that would follow me in the car or... for instance, save me from a tornado because I'm terrified of tornadoes. I don't know if that's normal or not. I still daydream, but over more extravagant things like having super powers or being good at things I want to be able to do such as sing or dance. Sometimes when people are talking to me I'll start to daydream about a random thought I have and not catch the rest of the conversation. I can't help it.
In a way I feel like I'm slowly getting worse with all these things, especially with the whole eating thing. I almost want to take a course on how humans eat to clear my head so I'm not afraid to breathe.... but it does sound ridiculous.
Anyways, thank you to anyone who replies. I'll be checking back here often because I would really like advice, answers, anything that can help me figure out what's going on. Even if it's nothing.
Thank you again.