high anxiety over break up - PLEASE HELP! - Mental Health Message Board

sportrider · 02-03-2003, 12:42 PM

OH people...i don't know where to start!...

I'm a 30yr old guy - I was going out with my 30yr old ex girlfriend for 9 months, 7 of which were, by her admission, fantastic. She was the most fantastic woman i have ever known. She was, and is, the perfect girl for me. I love everything about her, everything. I fell so hard for this girl, and i, for the first time in my life, completely committed to this woman, i was honestly ready to spend the rest of my life with her.
Then over the last 2 months, she got colder and colder and colder to the point where there was no intimacy in the relationship, physical OR mental OR personal.

She recently (about a week or so ago) broke up with me - VIA EMAIL. We had seen each other the night before and I was a little bit frustrated, but was mostly pleasant during dinner. She said nothing. She invited me back to her place to sleep over, and I went. We curled up to watch some tv, then eventually went to bed. I tried to initiate sex but she told me she didn't want to "go there" right now, so I respected her wishes and just held her in bed and went off to sleep.

The next morning I noticed that she was acting QUITE distant to me, and I gave her a kiss goodbye and went off to work, and she went off to work.

I emailled her and thanked her for the evening, and emailed back and forth a couple times regarding "us" stuff, and then she broke up with me VIA EMAIL, while i was at work, while i had a deadline at the end of the day, which she knew. I was floored, and the rest of my week was miserable to say the least. She wouldn't meet me to talk to me, she said she "couldn't" talk to me right now...

Now - it's been a week i guess and i know it's normal for it to hurt, but I feel HUGE ANXIETY over this - and I don't know what to do!

I seem to think about this all day long, and i'm miserable - and in physical pain too! I feel like my chest is all heavy, and find it hard to breathe steadily, I feel all tight in my chest, I feel like I want to cry probably 2 times a day lately. I don't know what to do!

Can somebody suggest some way to overcome this unbearable mountain of greif that is cripling me?

I don't want to feel like this - I don't want to feel lost and helpless, I don't want to feel like crying, I don't want to feel unwanted, and so utterly alone, and, and, and, and....you know?

I was completely in LOVE with this woman and now even though we're not together, I don't know how or why she could not talk to me or SOMEthing, I know i shouldn't call her and I should just act like i'm getting my life back on track and maybe she'll come back to me, I know I shouldn't talk to her, email her, call her, I should not be in contact with her at all, and i'm not. - But i think about calling her or seeing her one last time, just to be able to say goodbye, and look in her eyes and at least see for myself that there's nothing left in there from her point of view towards me.

I shouldn't call her or contact her, because I know it'll jsut drive her away more, but I'm having SUCH a hard time dealing with this, yknow? The pain i'm feeling daily, for most of the day, is by far the worst pain and anguish i've ever felt in my life - worse than when my grandfather died...and maybe that's what it feels like - like somebody died, because i can't talk to her to say goodbye, i can't look at her one last time and know that this is it, I can't tell her goodbye, etc...

All i can do is sit here in my own private hell, suffering inside, while still having to work, interact with co-workers, then family, other people.

I'm so broken up abotu this and I just don't know what to do...can somebody PLEASE HELP ME? I feel out of control for the first time in my life - And i don't know what to do...HELP! PLEASE!...my heart is broken and i feel physically and mentally horrible!...HELP! PLEASE.

blue cloud · 02-05-2003, 05:21 AM

i know how you are feeling right now and it sucks big time (well i more than sucks but i cant use the language that would justify the feeling on here)
when i read what you had written it was like i could have written it about my split from my ex boyfriend and all the feelings came back to me
i guess at least he had the decencey not to do it via e-mail but the feelings were still the same

i was on tranquelisers(sp) for two weeks after the break up as i could not function at all so you are doing better than you think i know you are hurting big time right now but all i can say is that the pain does ease with time and i know that you will be thinking 'so everyone has tols me but i dont have time i want this pain to stop!'
there are no quick fixes to this i wish i could just say something to you to take the pain awawy i really do but all i can do right now is tell you that i understand where you are coming from

if things start going down hill you can always go speak to your dr about it i know that sounds pretty pointless but sometimes they can actually come up with some pretty good suggestions

take care and you are welcome here to vent your problems and how you are feeling

let me know how you are doing

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love and bubbles blue

ShadowDragon · 02-06-2003, 10:52 PM

Hi...

Sorry about the break up, and sorry to see how much it pains you.

My boyfriend of 1yr and 4months broke up with me in late October. I had never loved anyone more. We remained 'friends' after the break up, so I saw him a handful of times afterwards in the company of our mutual friends. My biggest concern was that I didn't want him to know how deeply it upset me, because I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I just want him to be happy no matter what. So I had to make myself feel better so my pain wouldn't show.

I colored and cut my hair, bought new make-up and clothes. Changed my outlook on life a bit too.

If there is anything you can do for yourself, whether it's a change in your appearance, or maybe something you've been wanting to do, get out there and make it happen. Not only will this take things off your mind for a moment without you even realizing it, but when you feel better about a little something in your life, that grows.

Know that you loved her with all that you were, the best that you could when you were given the chance. That is all you could have done. Maybe she will realize what she has just given up and change her mind. Or maybe her decision is final; in either case, after you've had some time to sort through your emotions, I think she at least owes you a discussion. Breaking up in an e-mail isn't exactly the best method. Mostly because it's one-way communication, which leaves the recipient, you, with a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. You deserve an explanation, which I think would help you clear things up in your mind and your heart.

Also, if you have someone you can talk to, a good friend. Go see them. You don't even have to discuss your break up. Just be with them, remind yourself that there are good people out there who love you and care about you. Enjoy their company, it will help you start enjoying life again.

I hope this helped you some.

-Shadow Dragon

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"All beings have the capacity to cure themselves" - from K-PAX

Autumn Angel · 02-06-2003, 11:35 PM

Seems to be you need closure at least. Shes been pulling this distant stuff on you without any explanation then she dumps you VIA Email which is the cowards way out forsure. I know you love her but you have to put yourself first right now. Talk to your Doc and maybe he can give you something to ease your nerves for the time being. My brother's ex girlfriend of 12 years left him for a drummer in a rock band she was seeing him when my brother was working nights. Anyway they broke up and my brother moved back home untill him and the ex could sell the house and he couldnt even function at work he was so upset. The Doc gave him Ativan 1mg when he felt depressed or anxious and it worked for him and he eventually got over her. That was 6 years ago he lives with a very nice girl now they have been together 4 years. My point is no matter how bad it seems right now the pain will go away in time. Get the closure you need from her as you need it to be able to move on...then go your own way and fall in love again someday when you are ready. God Bless.

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Cheers...Autumn
Female...42
TMJD...12 years
Anxiety/Panic Attacks (cured I hope)
Total Abdominal Hysterectomy due to endometrial bleeding after miscarriage (2002)
Hernia Repair(1998)
Apendectomy (infected) 1988
21 year old daughter born with Mullerian Aplasia
18 year old daughter bulimia survivor.
If I can help ANYONE with anything from a papercut to a life threatening illness, I will do my best just to be a friend. " A friend is someone who knows all your faults and loves you anyway".

carolynn · 02-21-2003, 10:19 AM

I'm soooo sorry for what you are going through! It is painful and what you are describing feeling sounds like anxiety attacks. Maybe the suggestion of seeing a doctor about this is a good one? Perhaps they can help and give you something to take temporarily ?

I don't know if it would have been easier for you if your girlfriend would have had the decency to at least talk with you about her fading feelings a LONG time ago... she was cruel, and mean! If she did opt to come back, how could you ever trust her? Maybe ask yourself that question. Personally, i think you are too good for her!!!

You are doing the right thing by not contacting her at all, as well (for your own sanity).

Have you tried taking long walks or exercising to release some of your anxiety and frustration over this? Exercise releases endorphins into your system, and doctors refer to endorphins as "happy hormones"....hence, we feel better after we get 20 minutes of brisk walking or exercise in!

It will take time for your heart to mend.... i wish you all the best.. xoxox hugz to you if ok....

carolynn