Join Date: Apr 2010
Psychosis - or something more?
For perhaps three years now I've dealt with symptoms such as:
-social isolation (feeling disconnected and alien and having no desire to make friends or keep the current set; a fear of deviation from the house (it's been a year since I went anywhere, really, besides alone to the library - and before that it had been three or so months))
-fear of progress. I do want to move forward, but am hindered by this or that. My main concern: I'm dependent to the point that I haven't even considered going to get my permit (I turned sixteen last October) and can't do my own laundry or cook or clean, and am out of school for lack of motivation to start again. I have a phobia of adulthood. It seems I want to shove all my responsibility onto everyone else, and maintain control over said persons.
-reoccurring thoughts of death and suicide. This isn't something new; it began when I turned thirteen - and was repulse at the time, then gradually grew less and less so - but I've become obsessed with death in the last few weeks. Every waking moment I spend plotting my suicide (literally, every waking moment), considering death, etc. Last night I went into the bathroom and held a razor over my bare, unshaven ankle (that's another thing: I don't get dressed for weeks at a time or shave or do anything to my hair; surprised I bathe) but decided I was too afraid of pain to go through with it. And it's not that I want to die (and not that I was planning to kill myself then). My grandparents are Christian, and my mother is oblivious and living away from me (I stay at my grandparents). I sometimes tell them a little about how I feel, but they say, "It's just a phase" or "You've been through so much; it'll go away soon. Trust in God". Or (my mom), "We'll get it taken care of" (and she never does). Or, blatantly - this one's my favorite - "There's nothing wrong with you."
-anxiety. To the point of physical agony. It feels as if someone planted a bomb in my stomach and set if off several times.
-compulsive lying. I don't whether it's lying to promise someone something (such as marriage) knowing you'll never go through with it, or having the intention of killing yourself before you can go through with it. Or maybe it's delusion.
-violent urges. (edited by mentalhealth mod - description is not necessary)
-irrational fears. I have trouble sleeping alone, fears of driving, fears of adulthood, etc.
-little prospect of self-care. I can't go off in a store alone, much less shop alone.
-thought blocking. (self-explanatory)
-hallucinations, illusions and delusions. (the hallucinations tend to be more tactile and olfactory than visual; illusions are things such as "voices in the wind"; tactile is complex; olfactory usually unpleasant.) Delusions last for weeks and are very organized. An example: I believed the world would end in 2010, so I needn't go all out to ensure a good, stable life, because no one would be around in three years to see it.
-staring. Happens often, up to ten or so times an hour; I'll find myself spacing out, thinking of nothing in particular. Also: daydreaming. I daydream even as I speak to someone - I'm daydreaming now, actually. I daydream about the things I should be doing, rather than getting up and doing them.
-trouble concentrating. Can't finish a novel, whereas before I read several novels every few days.
-insomnia. Last year I managed three days without sleep. For months I stayed up until eight a.m., slept till noon, then started again. We moved to Las Vegas in June and I began sleeping for a max. of perhaps three hours a night. Hypersomnia also; I oversleep now.
-inappropriate reactions. Laughing in conversations about death or when something funny hadn't been said.
-poor judgment; compulsive and impulsive behavior.
-separate-body experiences. I feel my mind and body are separate entities, and when my body does something my mind isn't really related...somehow. I'm not sure how to explain it.
-alternating highs and lows. Both mania (the cause of my creativity) and severe depression.
-significant weight change. I'm at 95 or 96 pounds, and it fluctuates every few days to 101, 102.
-catatonia. I'll stay in the same rigid position for hours, without knowing or caring what I'm doing. I also suffer from constant pacing/need to pace and speeded-up movements.
-clumsiness, loss of coordination and staggering. Awkward gait.
-flatness of features and inability to smile or show facial expression. Loss of interest.
-slurred speech, with ideas strung together incoherently. I'm guilty of speaking formally when the occasion doesn't call for it. I've been told my ideas bound back and forth, having little or no connection. I trail off in the middle of sentences and start talking about something unrelated. (In other words, I can't hold a conversation.)
-dizziness. Also: objects shift in shape, size, color, contrast and distance. e.g. hallways become tunnels.
-trouble perceiving new situations. If I go somewhere unfamiliar, I have difficulty "seeing" the whole picture, and feel I can't take it in without anxiety. I read somewhere that this means my mind is so drawn to the little things, it is unable to process the whole.
To summarize it:
I'm pale, sixteen, friendless, not wanting to interact socially (and having lost the ability), considering death as an option, dependent on others, out of school, unable to think or concentrate, secretly violent, a liar, experiencing hallucinations and delusions, and severely depressed.
Sitting down for conversation, I can't make eye-contact, sit at a distance from the other person(s), and freak out if someone touches my arm or leg. Words jumble into nonsense (information overload, perhaps?). I find myself unable to deal with the smallest problems. I'm not the victim of abuse, though I have gone through troubled times in the last seven or eight years. This is what I know: I feel a certain way, have felt it for years, and now am so fed up I'm seeking help.
I don't want to attribute the above to mental illness, as I've had neurological issues in recent years (Epilepsy), but supposedly the seizures are gone (or so says my last EEG), and I'm done dealing with it.(edited). I deal with it on a daily basis - from the time I get up till the time I go to sleep. I've become the walking dead. I've officially stopped living, stopped wanting to live.
Please, if anyone could lend a hand. It's all I ask.
Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 04-27-2010 at 10:07 PM.